one of the contestants on the voice sang this lady gaga song tonight.
she did a stripped down, soulful, piano accompanied version of the song and by the end i was choking down a lump in my throat. well actually lets be honest, it felt like a watermelon was lodged in there and i was doing the “ugly cry, with quiet sobs, and no tears” thing.
it’s how i feel right now. mostly because i’m pms-ing HARDCORE and just need these hormones to break and for my period to start… like yesterday!
it really hit me tonight though. i am once again approaching the edge of glory.
i hear the lines, “i’m hanging on a moment with you”. “i’m on the edge with you”.
i just think of the baby we could be anticipating soon and i realize i’m nearing the edge with him or her right now.
i’ve been walking my way to the edge with them for months now.
people think about the connection that you have with a baby starts once you find out you’re pregnant or once the baby is born but for infertiles that connection starts well before that.
the connection is like a slow, steady walk.
you start your journey to the edge while you’re waiting 3 months to have surgery to get your body ready for IVF. you continue steadily while you recover and then you’re finally back at your clinic getting prescriptions. your momentum continues while you take every pill, inject every needle, cry every tear and feel every butterfly and flutter of hope. steadily you watch your eggs grow, you get every phone call about your developing embryos. your momentum quickens while you dream of your beautiful baby and while you pee on each home pregnancy test and do every beta test…
and then, for some, that’s where that long walk ends.
but it’s only for a while. just while your strength builds again so you can start that journey back towards the edge and towards the glory that is destined to finally be yours.
i’m reaching the last leg of this long journey once again. i’m not afraid to run towards the edge to the glory that i hope will soon be mine.
good luck to all of you, no matter what stage of the walk you’re at. i wish you all the strength that is needed to take your own long walk towards the edge and i hope you all find the glory you deserve that the end.