late

my period is late and I’m not happy about it.

I’m not pregnant, so where is it?

i know where it is.   it knows I want it to come so it’s decided to be an asshole and torment me. I just hope it’s not a 50 day cycle… I really can’t handle one of those right now.

sigh.

C. U. N.ext T.uesday

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i am a rage of hormones and i feel like a raging… (please see post title).

i need to curl into a ball and not come out until AF finally makes it to town.  this is supposed to be tomorrow but at this point i feel like i won’t survive until then.  or worse, that it will be a weird cycle and it will be longer!!!!

i had forgotten how bad my pre-period symptoms are.  i think they are just completely heightened by the fact that i now work with 10-15, 4-12 year olds each day.  my day now starts at 5:30 a.m and my only co-worker is a lame, controlling, annoying, emotionally immature 23 year old.

i can normally shrug off her whining, complaining attitude.  her retarded jokes and her way too high pitched and unnecessary laughing but right now, i can’t even stand to look at her.

i normally get right down and dirty with the kids in all aspects of their play and crafts but now, i just don’t want to deal with any of it (or them).  

why do my pre-period symptoms have to start in full force a week (sometimes 2 weeks) before an actual period?  i feel like i’m in hell the entire time. my body buzzes, my joints ache, i’m tired and it feel like there is a hand around my throat squeezing constantly.  i grind my teeth and seeth.  i glare at things and i even breath differently.

this can’t be normal but unfortunately it’s my normal.  i guess i can thank PCOS for that.

when i’m in this state i just think of how wonderful it is when i am pregnant and i don’t feel any of these feelings.  i am on a constant wave of relaxation and indifference.  i am calm, nothing gets under my skin and i feel great.

then i think of how that will only last so long.  yes, i’ll get pregnant and this vicious cycle will end for a several months but then what?! i’ll go back to the way i am now and life (before my period) will be miserable again.

i look at having a baby as way to escape this hormonal hell i go through each month but the truth is, i have to think about life after pregnancy.  how will i take care of this issue once life goes back to normal?

my naturopathic dr. told me chinese herbs do wonders for hormonal imbalances.  maybe that will be the path to pursue to end all this bullshit.  Has anyone used chinese herbs to control mood swings and massive hormonal shifts?   

reaching the edge of glory

one of the contestants on the voice sang this lady gaga song tonight.

she did a stripped down, soulful, piano accompanied version of the song and by the end i was choking down a lump in my throat. well actually lets be honest, it felt like a watermelon was lodged in there and i was doing the “ugly cry, with quiet sobs, and no tears” thing.

it’s how i feel right now. mostly because i’m pms-ing HARDCORE and just need these hormones to break and for my period to start… like yesterday!

it really hit me tonight though.  i am once again approaching the edge of glory.

i hear the lines, “i’m hanging on a moment with you”. “i’m on the edge with you”.

i just think of the baby we could be anticipating soon and i realize i’m nearing the edge with him or her right now.

i’ve been walking my way to the edge with them for months now.

people think about the connection that you have with a baby starts once you find out you’re pregnant or once the baby is born but for infertiles that connection starts well before that.

the connection is like a slow, steady walk.

you start your journey to the edge while you’re waiting 3 months to have surgery to get your body ready for IVF. you continue steadily while you recover and then you’re finally back at your clinic getting prescriptions. your momentum continues while you take every pill, inject every needle, cry every tear and feel every butterfly and flutter of hope. steadily you watch your eggs grow, you get every phone call about your developing embryos. your momentum quickens while you dream of your beautiful baby and while you pee on each home pregnancy test and do every beta test…

and then, for some, that’s where that long walk ends.

but it’s only for a while.  just while your strength builds again so you can start that journey back towards the edge and towards the glory that is destined to finally be yours.

i’m reaching the last leg of this long journey once again.  i’m not afraid to run towards the edge to the glory that i hope will soon be mine.

 

good luck to all of you, no matter what stage of the walk you’re at.  i wish you all the strength that is needed to take your own long walk towards the edge and i hope you all find the glory you deserve that the end.

 

xox

everybody’s workin’ for the weekend…

it keeps dawning on me that with my new job i will no longer have to work weekends and holidays and i may very well have the whole summer off….

OMG!

the list of things to do this summer is getting so big i have to get them written down so i can remember them all.

 - golfing – note: buy glove and golf shoes

- camping – 3, possibly 4, weekends already booked! Bon Echo, Osler, Arrowhead and Algonquin

 - garage saling! – nothing better than buy other people’s old junk!

- farmers markets – i can finally be a vendor if i wanted with my wreaths and initials but just the idea that i can go to the large market in the city beside us on saturday mornings is enough for me at the moment.

- sleeping in!  - no explanation needed

- festivals – we live beside a city with a great waterfront area and EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND in the summer they have a new festival.  jazz, craft beer and BBQ, aboriginal festival, savour simcoe etc, etc…

- beach days!

- weekends with my brother and his family

 - niagara wine weekends

 - trips over the border

 - FLORIDA!

 -  

 

i want to be friends with a total stranger

why do i always meet the most interesting, down to earth, funny and friendly people at the most obscure times!?

today i chatted with a new mother in the line at the walk in clinic.  she was in child care (well now on mat-leave), she was stylish, animated, open and honest.

i live in a small town, on a main road which is a highway (think just a little bit bigger than a hamlet).  my neighbours are elderly men and middle aged women.  i don’t have kids so i don’t have anyway of meeting women my age.

i know it’s completely insane, so i didn’t do it, but i just wanted to tell her she’s wonderful and ask her to be my friend!

maybe i’ll run into her again sometime….?

i really do hope that happens.

satellite monitoring

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as i am approaching my “day 1″ in the next week or so i have to think about cycle monitoring.

i was so lucky to have an employer that i could be straightforward with about my first IVF journey. my appointment times were accommodated without question or hassle.  i didn’t feel any pressure or stress about work and my appointments.

this time around i have a new job.  no one knows my story. if i need time off work i have to find a supply to cover my shift.  this may be easy to do but i start getting too many shifts covered in a short amount of time, my employer will question my dedication (or so i’m told).  i work in child care and i am at work from 6:30 a.m. to 9 a.m. and my clinic is located in another city (up to 2 hours away, depending on traffic).  i have had one appointment already where i have left work at 9 a.m. and made it downtown Toronto by 10:30 a.m. – record time!

monitoring is in the morning and the blood lab in my clinic is only open for so long.  i am not sure how late they’re last morning appointment times is… last cycle i typically had my appointments at 8:30 and 9 a.m.

there is a fertility clinic in barrie (where i live) and my doctor mentioned satellite monitoring.   in the same breath, however, she also mentioned that some of her patients haven’t been thrilled with the quality of service they received from this “satellite clinic”.  there is the additional cost to think about. then the fact that a whole new set of “eyes” will be on my tootsie noots (as honey boo boo’s mom would call it).

i see my clinic offers satellite monitoring in their list of services for $1,500.  i wonder if that is standard price for all clinics?

in a perfect world they would be able to take me at 10:30 a.m. for my monitoring appointments.  too bad nothing ever ends up perfect in my world hahaha.

waiting to hear back from my dr.’s assistant and hoping it will be “perfect” news for ONCE in my infertile life :) 

stopping kids from being kids and letting kids be kids

working in child care is learning experience to say the least!

kids are fun, wild, creative and caring.

i am pretty good with the fun, creative and caring parts but the wild aspect is definitely a challenge.  i am a 31 year old women and in 3 weeks i have had my co-worker stand up for me several times to a bunch 4-12 year olds hahaha.

i am realizing things can go south/crazy in an instant.  talking calmly and asking them to quiet down doesn’t seem to cut it.  i have to learn how to use my “teacher” voice and sound authoritative.  that is A LOT harder than it sounds folks!

i am learning some techniques.  things to say, rhymes and clapping rhythms that are designed to get the kids attention and get them to pay attention.  i’ll see how good i am at this the next time they start to get out of control.

this is also a challenge because i don’t necessarily see situations the same  as my co-worker.  she is a teacher at heart. she is the adult and commands respect and order at all times.  to me this seems like nagging and correcting and scolding all day long.  my style is to be a little more care free.  i like to be enthusiastic about their stories and activities and i love a little cuddle time.

this is why i was totally taken aback this morning when i had two kids resting on my sides during carpet time and my co-worker yelled at them to sit up and stop acting like babies….

yikes.

i am not sure how to address this issue?  i don’t have the kids hanging off me and acting like babies all the time (and by no means is a child resting themselves on you in any way acting like a baby).  they like a couple of minutes of comfort and caring and then we go on with activities.   how do i tell my co-worker, “i want them to feel comfortable and loved and if they want to cuddle with me they are going to cuddle with me and keep your mouth shut!” hahaha.  i get the order and manners and all that but part of the problem is she needs control at all times.  in my opinion she too much of a tight ass.  she’s technically my boss and has been doing this way longer than me so how do i nicely let her know she’s too hard on the kids at times?

i think i’ll have to do some ego stroking.  maybe i’ll approach the subject naively and act a little clueless about approaching the issues as a “new staff member”.  i’ll get her interpretation of the situation and then i’ll sneak in my feelings towards them.  maybe i’ll bring up a new approach that we can work together to achieve? 

we’ll see how it goes. if nothing else changes i’ll at least make it clear that i like the kids cuddling at times and i will not making them stop for her sake.

 

questioning why i blog at the moment

i haven’t really been IVF blogging or infertility blogging on here lately.

i haven’t had inspirational stories, quotes, or life lessons to share.

i have been reading some AMAZING posts on here lately. posts that i feel like i wrote or could have written, so i’ve left those stories out there and haven’t bothered to create my own version to share. i look at it like the message is the same and it’s already out there in the wordpress world for other to benefit from.

i’m not anywhere near a BFP. i’m not stimming.

i feel i had a lot share in the beginning.  telling my story. sharing my pregnancy loss experiences, sharing my IVF experience and creating a sense of positivity even in the face of great loss and frustration.

now i’m in IVF and blog limbo.

i feel like this blog isn’t serving it’s initial purposes at the moment.  these purposes were to share experiences and help inspire others and to keep track of my life of infertility.

i guess that is where i’m at.  i can’t get pregnant on my own. i rely on IVF now.  so when i’m not doing IVF, i don’t really have anything relevant going on here in the IVF blog community.

i feel at times lately that i don’t fit in in this blog community.  

so, thank you so much to all the ladies that have been regularly checking out my blog and liking and commenting on posts.

i really appreciate the sense of belonging that you’re keeping alive for me and my blog these days.

xoxox

here i go again on my own

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i’m easing my way into it slowly. this is the first step and it’s pretty simple but it’s still proof that this is happening once again.

i know what you’re thinking…  

“geez, they are just vitamins!!!”

but you know what – vitamins can be friggin’ scary people.

it’s the beginning. again. it’s happening again.  IVF again. the idea of failing again.  the idea of feeling crazy, intense love and excitement but also the reminder of feeling gut wrenching heartache and pain.

when i’m not trying for a baby, i don’t take vitamins, so this simple act triggers so many emotions in me.  it makes me anxious, it makes me impatient, it makes me excited, it makes me worry, it makes me scared, it makes my heart ache in a great way and a bad way.