i had heard of this a long time ago and really thought there was no possible way it could be true.  a program that replaces pregnancy announcements and photos of newborn babies with pictures of bacon?!  to0 good to be true.

turns out,  it’s real and it works.

i am still testing it out on my FB page and it can’t detect EVERYTHING you don’t want to see but so far, it’s pretty damn good!

easy to install, easy to use.  see if it makes your FB and twitter feeds better for you


year 4 – flowers, fruit


after reading waiting for baby bird’s anniversary post i looked at the calendar and realized our anniversary is on thursday!? how did that happen!?  

we have always followed the traditional wedding gift list.  year 1 – paper, year 2 – cotton, year 3 – leather and now year 4 – flowers, fruit.

i did buy some hydrangeas to finish off the landscaping in the front garden and we did agree that could be our “flowers”.  money is a little tight with the new rental house and all the reno we’re doing on our own house.  if i wasn’t pregnant we’d have probably splurged on a vintage wine or a trip to niagara’s wine region.

i need to get creative here.  good thing eee-leash-a ;) reminded me and now i have 4 days to figure something out!

(one thing i know for sure, this is NOT happening LOL) 


33 – 87

well the numbers doubled.  I’m not getting excited just yet and i don’t want you guys to either!  haha

i mean it.

last year my blighted ovum started at 37 and jumped to 117 so i don’t trust numbers.

I’m going for blood work again next Saturday. I’ll hear from the nurse Sunday afternoon.  i only heard early today because they had an extra nurse in.  she said from that test they’d like to see a number of 600 or higher.  

I’ll be happy to see a number in the proper range but I’ll only relax if i get to an ultrasound (which would take place the first week of September).


when people comment on how busy i am all the time i like to use the saying “a rolling stone gathers no moss”.  

i am finished all of my summer projects and things aren’t look good in the pregnancy department and i realized i’ve stopped rolling.  it is not in my best interest to not have something to do.  i am a person that can fall easily into depression when life isn’t going how i planned and i have nothing to do in the meantime.

i just sent an email to my local Children’s Aid Society inquiring about volunteering opportunities.

i hope i hear back from them soon.


i did not expect to feel like this today.

drained, raw eyed, tight chested. 

we actually had the “adoption talk”.

never really thought we’d get to that talk.

we’re sad.

we’re binging tonight.

on netflix, the killing.


you know what the worst part is…

it’s not knowing if you should just give up and enjoy your life without kids?

when trying for children makes you more miserable than just not actually having them in your life, is that your sign?

don’t worry i’m not down as i write this. i am fully prepared for history to repeat itself and know what may take place over the next few weeks.  many of you have sent warm comments about not giving up hope and i do appreciate it but it’s time to just be realistic.  this is most likely not going to end well for me.  this time around the news of a really low beta number has me seeing through the emotional fog that all this infertility stuff creates and i just wonder, is the hard part not succeeding? or not knowing if you should just forget about it and move on?

i have talked to my husband and have mentioned here that i don’t like dragging myself back down into all this TTC stuff every few months.  i don’t like the pressure, anxiety, sadness, craziness, false hope, sheltered excitement.  i am happy when i’m not trying for a baby and then i bring myself down trying to get pregnant.  that’s completely fucked up!

maybe if i’m happy without kids it’s a sign that i’ll be okay if i don’t keep torturing myself and my body?

i mean if a beta result of 33 means what i think it means then i’m on the cusp of miscarriage #4 (in 2 years)…  

honestly, when is it time to stop the insanity!?!

i do need to make a list of things to bring up with the dr. if all this is bust:

1. do we need to test an embryo to see if there is just something genetically wrong with my eggs.

2. is taking PIO different or better than suppositories?

3. could my Rh neg and hubby’s Rh positive factors be coming into play here?

4. when do we just walk away from all this?

low low low

so that was a shitty voicemail.

only 33.

we all know what that means. well at least i know what it means for me.

miscarriage in my near future.

another beta day

i’ve been here before, beta day.  excited to have my blood drawn to confirm the pregnancy i already know about through HPTs but still very worried about what may actually be going on inside me.

this time beta day is different. it’s different because now i understand the numbers.

my appointment is at 11:20.  i’ll call the clinic to let them that i had my blood drawn today then i’ll waiting until sometime tomorrow afternoon to hopefully find out the results.  well, actually, i’m pretty sure i’ll definitely find out the results but i’ve been in the situation where they have been running behind before so i just remain hopeful that i’ll hear something.

i know i’m pregnant and i am pretty sure the number should be over 100 by now.  this i am basing on the HPT i took sunday.  i can’t find the sensitivity for that particular test anywhere online but i am assuming it would be 25 u/ml.  so if that is true and everything is doubling as it should then i guess i should get over 100 today.

really i just want anything better 37 which is what my first beta was last summer. my number always double, in fact they usually almost triple, but they start low and low numbers have meant 2 ectopic pregnancies and a blighted ovum in the past.

fingers crossed for over 100!

beta stays the same

heard from the nurse about changing my beta test day.  she said it needs to stay as is on thursday and she said they can still calculate proper doubling if i do the next beta on monday.  so that saves a trip for me.

i could still make the trek and do it saturday but she left it as i should go thursday and then again monday so now do i HAVE to stick to this new plan?  it would only push my results back a day because they don’t call with results on sunday anyway.

ya.  i’ll just wait until monday and hear on tuesday. 

the story of my BFP

so as i mentioned in the manic ravings of my post yesterday, my first HPT test was yesterday morning.

i did the test and it was a shitty no name brand and after a few minutes it looked like nothing was there.  i left and went back to check after another few minutes had passed and for a brief moment i thought i saw something.  as i shifted and tilted the stick i would think i saw something and then i’d see flat out, bright white. i swear the brightest white you’ll ever see is in the background of a HPT.  hmm, a new paint colour – HPT white?

i do what i always so with my HPTs, i shoved in the garbage can and put tissue on top of it so my husband wouldn’t see it. then i stuffed the empty box in the back of the bathroom cabinet until recycling day.

then this morning i again did what i always do and i jammed my hand into the garbage bin and pulled the test out to check it again.  i am a glutton for punishment.  i just need to blind myself with the white again to get my mind out of the clouds.

this time i saw a line

2010-06-30 16.39.17 (Medium)

or i should say i saw the faintest line in the history of lines.

i have a pretty good track record with HPTs.  i take them and they are starkly negative or very positive.  when they are negative they never have a faint line the next day.  i know that they warn that evaporation can result in a line and should not be taken as a proper result but as soon as i saw that line i knew i was in fact pregnant.

so this turn of events had me sitting with my husband on the back porch having a coffee before he headed off to work telling him a crazy woman and although it’s a waste of money i just have to go buy more tests.  he agreed.  and i actually didn’t feel so bad about the extra spending seeing as i found $20 in the garden yesterday.  fate?!

he told me not to get too excited about it, HA, too late.  although i did take my time.  i went to home depot to grab more paint and then i took the long way to the store and i picked up a double pack of tests.

i had already had two pees this morning so before i left for the store i did my best to get what little had left in a cup.  gross.  so since i already had my sample waiting i didn’t hesitate to open the test, dunk it in and count to 5.  i think that my counting to 5 is always way longer than 5 because i’m purposely trying not to be faster than 5.

i usually leave the room and pace around and pretend that the fate of my future isn’t developing in the next room but this time i wanted to see it happen.  the little clock started flashing.  it says it takes 3 minutes to process and i swear it took every second of those 3 minutes.

then all of a sudden, in a flash i saw

2010-06-30 16.39.59 (Medium)

my beta is scheduled for thursday the 14th with my second beta falling on a saturday morning. this means i have to drive 45 minutes (on way) to the next major city to have my blood drawn (no saturday clinics in my town).  since i’ve gotten a + 5 days before beta i wrote the nurses to see if could possibly have my test done on wednesday so that i can just have the second one done on friday and save the travel time.

i really hope i get at YES to that question as well.

thanks so much everyone for believing in this as being a possibility when i had clearly completely lost my faith!  XOX