is it tuesday yet?

i have my ultrasound to check my uterus and ovaries and the baby again on october 28th and then my first appointment with the OB on november 5th.

i was able to talk to the doctor the day after my last appointment, the one where she told me a heart rate of 138 is “lower than normal” and thought my uterus was a little too big for 13.5 weeks.  in the follow-up conversation i told her we were very confused on her view of the heart rate.  she apologized and said that they like to see a normal heart rate in the range of 140-160 (everything i’ve read in our pregnancy books and read online says 120-180 is normal with 150 being the average).  she said that she did see a varied heart rate of 138 – 140 and that was total normal and okay.  so why did she say it wasn’t?!  grrrr.

then we talked about the size of my uterus and she said there could have been many factors that affect the size and shape. like if i had a full bladder or needed to have a BM (both of which applied to me that day).  she didn’t really say what it could me in terms of bad things but it was more to check and see if my ovaries were in the right place (as they have drifted around in the past) and to see if i had any cysts growing as that’s a big part of my history too.

i mentioned the larger uterus issue to a couple of moms at the daycare i work at.  one said she had huge babies and she always measured bigger.  one said they told her the same thing and were worried about too much amniotic fluid, which can be an indication of downs syndrome (great something else to worry about) but she ended up being fine and her daughter is totally gifted.  another said that she was so huge the dr. was convinced she was having twins and then was very thankful when they found out she wasn’t because her tiny frame could never have carried twins to a safe due date.

so i see a lot of women go through this but i just wish i didn’t have to be one of them…  i’m trying to be low stress and relax. my husband is totally confident nothing is wrong. i am definitely thinking the most positively that i can about the whole situation but it’s so hard to just let it go and forget about it.  i haven’t really been wish this time away but right now i just wish it was tuesday.

on a totally different topic, has anyone bought a fetal doppler for home use?  is it worth it? where did you get it?  how much did it cost?  i worry that this is the first stop to “crazy town” but it’s also something i’m just really interested in.  i don’t plan on listening all the time but to have the choice or the option my calm my nerves when i start to come undone may be nice.

“don’t worry”

HA!  thanks.

i had my second prenatal appointment today.  everything was good.  chris came with me and it was a different dr. than the first visit.  she was very nice, a little hyper.  we chatted about test results which i didn’t get other than my ultrasound looked good (which we already knew).  i have to have the second part of my IPS blood work done between 15 and 18 weeks and then we’ll have the full picture of likeliness for complications.

she had me lie down to use the doppler but before she checked for the heartbeat she felt my belly.  my belly is growing, no doubt about it.  i find sometimes it’s a little lopsided to the right and it’s getting higher but still not as high as my belly button yet. anyway, turns out she thinks it’s “a little too high for 14 weeks” and thinks it “curious” that it’s kind of siting to the right. so she goes on to do the doppler and it takes about a minute but she finds the heartbeat. she measures the rate at 138 and says “that’s a little lower than normal”.  what?  i thought anywhere from 120-180 beats is normal and the old wive’s tale of a lower heartbeat meaning boy often rings true.

then she says she wants to do an internal. okay. no problem.  she feels around and says she can’t feel anything amiss but still i’m too high for 14 weeks.  i asked her what that would indicate and she had no answer. she said she’s going to call the OB/GYN which i’m supposed to see on december 8th and see if she will see me sooner.  also, i’m to go for another ultrasound.

she talked me into a flu shot. i got it. we left.

so of course i started googling and my hubby had already been doing that in the waiting room while i was having my exam. he’s not worried at all.  the heart rate is normal and women have different uteruses that do different things.  i feel the same way but i still don’t like the doctor being unsure of something.  i also have to factor in that i have had 3 surgeries. that could mean scar tissue issues. i have had my ovary float around and get stuck between my uterus and my abdomen (when i had that monster dermoid cyst).  i also have a uterus that is slightly tilted upwards (the reason why my ovary was about to move into that god awful position in the first place).   if i have a slightly tilted uterus to start and it start it’s natural tilting process for pregnancy that would mean it’s going to be a little higher no?

so now i’m supposed to not worry and wait hear back today or tomorrow about what my next step is.  i just hope i don’t have to wait too long for this next step.

so for now i’m just focusing on the fact that we found and heard the heartbeat today, and as far as we’re concerned, it was healthy and strong.

Lucky # 13

How far along?    13 weeks, 3 days – so I guess teeecchnicaally I’m almost in my second trimester.  It’s easier for me to accept this fact this week since i’m just a few days away from it now hahaha.  Last week my only hope was clinging to the idea that 12 weeks was the marker for the second trimester.

Total weight gain/loss?   I seem to have blown up this week lol.  I was telling Chris that i felt “thicker’ but I’m still not really showing much.  I weighed myself this morning and…140.7 lbs…that’s significant!  So up about 7 pounds now.

Gender?  I do the “cutlery test” with all the pregnant women I know.  This involves wrapping a spoon in a tea towel and a knife in separate tea towel and then having the pregnant woman choose one.  The spoon represents girl, the knife represents boy.  We decided to do it yesterday morning while having our morning coffee.  Hubby wrapped them up and took the test.  I ALWAYS go left for everything but the right one was standing out to me.  Chris told me i was taking too long so i just grabbed the right one and it was… a spoon :)

Maternity clothes?   May be getting close.

Stretch marks?   Nope.

Sleep?   Still taking a while to get to sleep.  I am almost in an insomniac like state for an hour or so before I can fall asleep. Tossing and turning. I’m also waking up a few times in the night to go to the washroom.

Best moment this week –  After the WORST MS DAY OF MY LIFE I woke up on Thursday (13 weeks exactly) and I had NO MS ALL DAY LONG!  I did feel nauseous a few times throughout the day but could get over it by eating.  I am now on day 4 of no vomiting :)  LUCKY # 13.

Miss anything?  Not really.

Movement?  I swear I felt something on Friday afternoon while I was driving home from the city.  It was in the center of my lower abdomen and it felt like very, very light little taps.  It happened two times in the same place and it was about 3 or 4 “taps” each time.

Food cravings?   Eating much better.  Still want carbs and easy things to fill me up fast.  Often going for cashews for a snack now.

Anything making you queasy or sick?  Still with the smells.  WOOD.  I can’t stand it!  Hubby opened the attic door this morning and I could have killed him!  I dread going back to work each day and all weekend long because the smells just make me feel so sick at the school.

Symptoms?   Gas.  Mild nausea.  Little bit of heartburn.

Labor Signs?  Nope.

Belly Button in or out?   This question won’t mean much for a while.

Wedding rings on or off?   On.

Happy or Moody most of the time?   Happy and worried.  The loss of my friend’s baby a couple of weeks ago has really rattled me. I just can’t shake the sadness. I am not in a state of deep worry or anxiety but I am definitely sad and worried about all the things that can happen between now and delivering this baby.  I have to tell myself several times a day, “woman have healthy babies.  Healthy babies exist.  Not everyone loses their baby”.

Looking forward to?   Still looking forward to our appointment tomorrow.  Chris can come with me this time and we’re hoping to finally actually hear the heartbeat.

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definitely looking thicker around the waist

october 15th

before infertility and the loss of our babies, i spent October 15th completely unaware and celebrating my birthday.

now i spend part of my day thinking of our lost babies and all the other families that have lost babies too soon.

my birthday wish now is that a little bit of their pain eases every day.  i wish that they have the strength and support that they need in their lives and i wish that they never give up hope.

xox

Pregnancy Update

How far along?    12 weeks, 4 days – YAY second trimester!  although, I am very confused by this.  My pregnancy book says I’m in my second trimester but the internet says that there are three possible 2nd T markers.  By development I started my 2nd T on October 6th.  By gestation I don’t hit 2nd T until the 16th and by conception I won’t be in the 2nd T until October 25th!?  I’ve waited too long for this milestone, so I’m just going by 12 weeks!

Total weight gain/loss?   back to + 4-5 lbs.

Gender?   I don’t know.  We shared with family this weekend and so many people were happy to hear we weren’t going to find out in advance.  One cousin in law said for her it made it better for getting through her labours.  She was so excited to find out what the baby was she was super pumped the whole the time. Hopefully that will be the case for me too haha.

Maternity clothes?   Nope.

Stretch marks?   Nope.

Sleep?   Not as tired at bedtime.  Takes a while to fall asleep and I have been waking up fairly early without an alarm.

Best moment this week –   Sending a photo of my little bump to my mom, MIL, and both SILs.  Also, finally getting to tell the last of our family in person and sharing our pregnancy with FB land.

Miss anything?   Still just waiting for normal, vomitless life to come back to me. (Did I just make up a word!?)

Movement?  Nope.  Although, sometime I swear I can feel something… more like everything is just starting to expand and feel strange and I feel “stuff going on”.  Definitely not baby yet.

Food cravings?   No particular cravings any more but food is just still such a challenge for me.

Anything making you queasy or sick?  Smells.  Still get grossed out by wood smells and white bread (yeast).  Gag central everytime I open the pantry or go to work.

Symptoms?   MS and heartburn.

Labor Signs?  Nope.

Belly Button in or out?   This question won’t mean much for a while.

Wedding rings on or off?   On.

Happy or Moody most of the time?   Happy but honestly I don’t know how much longer I can deal with this MS.

Looking forward to?   Hmmm, I guess my doctors appointment on the 20th… oh, and my b-day on the 15th :)

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disappearing blogs

i get very worried when a blog disappears, especially when it vanishes after an embryo transfer.

my positive side likes to think that their transfer was successful and the woman no longer feels the need to blog about her struggles or sorrow.  she’s graduated to a happy mental state and it is blissfully anticipating the arrival or her baby or babies!

however, my sad side worries that her attempt ended in sadness and despair and she could not bear to share her pain with the world.  i worry that she has closed herself off from and is suffering in silence, all alone.

whatever the case, i hope our missing bloggers are doing okay. i hope my first assumption is true for them and they are finally onto their journey to motherhood.

i hope that life is being kind to them, wherever they are.

xo

what do i do?

my girlfriend wrote me back today in regards to a message i sent her yesterday.

i wanted to let her know that i am there for and her husband in anyway i can be and that i am mourning the loss of their baby girl just as they are.

her last line in her message back was “I don’t know what’s going to happen now, how do you move on from this?”

i don’t know.

how do they move on from this?

i want to say you mourn this loss.  you mourn every moment.  cry until you can’t breathe.  be angry, confused, heartbroken, gutted.  scream.  i want to say you love each other more than you have ever loved each other.  sit and hold each other silently.  talk about everything. share every little thing that pops in your mind.  be together constantly.  hold each other, sleep together, eat together, shower together.  i want to say never, ever, ever give up.  if being a parent is your destiny don’t give up. no matter how painful, scary, heartbreaking, don’t give up.  i want to say don’t blame yourself.  this is a tragedy that should never happen to anyone but it does happen to millions, everyday. it’s not your fault.  i want to say this is not fair.  this is unbelievable. no one deserves this. especially not you.  i want to say to share this.  share your daughter’s life.  it’s something that was real. she existed.  say her name aloud, say her name a lot.  she should be celebrated and loved and remembered.  i will always remember her.  i want to say to let your heart do whatever it wants.  in the end the heart knows everything.  we are powerless to control it.  it knows what to do and when to do. don’t fight it. listen to it.  let it love you and follow what it tells you.  it knows what is best for you.  i want to say don’t follow anyones timeline. there is no timeline for this.  feel what you need to feel, what you want to feel for however long you need or want to feel it.  no can tell you when things are okay.  i want to say, shower, eat, let family and friends be there for you.

i want to say all this to her, but how do i do that?

absolute heartbreak

i just got a phone call from a friend and i’m in a state of shock.

a friend of hers that has struggled with infertility for 8+ years was 23 weeks pregnant and now her baby is gone.

we had known each other for years but we connected last summer on a deeper level when we discovered that we were both starting our first journeys with IVF.  i started in the summer and she was scheduled for that fall.  we were there to support each other through the unknown.  me going first, getting pregnant and suffering a blighted ovum, she keep in touch and was really the only person in “real” life that had any clue what i was actually going through.  that fall i helped her get through needles, ultrasounds, her retrieval and embryo reports.  her first IVF attempt was not successful but we kept in touch over the winter and finally it was our turns to again to try.  she was doing her first FET and i was embarking on my second go at IVF.

she became pregnant!!  a wonderful thing that we both celebrated.  i even started to keep in touch with her husband through facebook messages it was so exciting for all of us.

she had a couple of hiccups with ultrasounds.  having measurements within range but still warranting a bit of concern for further investigation.  each time the results came back okay and a sigh of relief was had by all.

she had a routine ultrasound a couple of weeks ago and again something was a little amiss.  nothing to be too concerned about but for peace of mind a second ultrasound would be done.

i hadn’t spoken to her for about a week and it dawned on me that her ultrasound was on monday.  so last night i message her to see if things were okay.

i got a call this morning that she had her baby girl last night at 23 weeks.

not all the details are known but what i know is that the baby’s brain had not developed as it should have.  she died in her womb a couple of days ago.

how can this happen?  how can this happen!

rest of the week off

so,  turns out I’m more affected then i thought with all this fifths stuff.

my doctor’s nurse called this morning and I’m to take the rest of the week off from work and return to the school next Tuesday only if more cases of illness have not be reported.

my doctor is definitely taking the better safe than sorry approach but I’m for it.  besides,  my husband was about to call and tell my boss i wouldn’t be back this week on his orders bahaha.  he’s so reserved and quiet.  it’s funny seeing him so over protective.

so,  i have to spend this a.m. getting my doctor’s note to my boss and getting shifts covered.

(and just between us,  I’m happy to have a few days off.  maybe I’ll get over this MS in the meantime? ).