This IS a test…

can anyone see this post?

people keep telling me my blog comes up as “deleted” and then they check again and it’s active?

what the heck workpress?!

if you have a sec, let me know if i’m “still alive” on here.

THANKS!

not pregnant anymore

thanks to everyone that has been thinking of us and checking in to see how things are going over here. 

unfortunately, i caught my pregnancy just as it was ending. 

HCG from Friday was 8.

very sad but counting our blessings. 

after going through many, MANY possible scenarios we’ve decided to hold off until at least next year to think about how and if we’ll move forward with growing our family. 

not like i didn’t already feel it but this attempt and loss has really hammered home the fact that Maeve is such a MIRACLE.  

i hate that opening up to try again temporarily had me thinking that maybe our family of three wasn’t good enough. 

for right now it is so much more than good enough.  

it also made me realize that Maeve is STILL A BABY.  i want to enjoy every single moment before this amazing age is just a memory that I’m longing to go back to.  

so, i guess that’s it from this little blog for a bit.  

take care everyone! 

xo

Still waiting for HCG But

this time there was also a test done on my TSH and in the past two months it’s gone from

2.28 to 2.08 to 1.34

i have been feeling amazing lately. so much energy.  happy.  excited about doing things. eating well.

this is reminding that i need to sit with my family dr. and discuss this thyroid stuff with her and see what her thoughts are on these changing levels and how drastically different i feel at each level.

Go in again today

The nurse asked me to in for blood today instead of tomorrow just to see what direction the number is going in.

I did a cheap HPT this morning and there is the fastest of faint lines so I am pretty sure I know which direction we will see it going in.

honestly, I am completely okay. I have never been able to be this okay with a lost pregnancy and it is such a peaceful feeling.

I’m loving on Maeve today and counting every single blessing in my life.

 

17

so my beta result is 17.

really not great. ¬†maeve started at 33 so i know i draw low numbers. i am disappointed but not really thinking it’s over.

my next draw is on saturday morning.

if the number takes a dive then it was, what it was. if the number continues to climb and doubles i won’t be too excited. ¬†first ultrasound is the only true confirmation.

well this is embarssing

i cried my face off for so many reasons when i got the NO – this morning.

i called my husband and cried to him and we talked about our feelings regarding a failed transfer.  we know that our lives are awesome with maeve and we are truly happy and grateful to have her and our little family.  we talked about just living life for a while before we think about what to do with those 3 frozen embryos.  we just paid the annual fee to keep them frozen and we will know for certain if we will want to try again for another baby before this year is out.

i texted a friend to let her now i got a negative just to let someone else know.

then i went to the washroom and the digital test with NO Р was staring up at me from the trash can.

then i thought about opening the digital test.

when you crack them open they just have the normal test strip inside that has a control line and then obviously the second line if it’s positive.

i cracked it open and found this

the “nick” in the center was from me tearing the paper when i was taking the strip out of the test holder. ¬†the second line is to the left of the nick. i would say that is a pretty good faint line.

damnit. i’m embarrassed guys. fucking hormones! let’s see what the first beta number is on thursday.

fairly certain she will be an only

i always test before my beta blood draw. ¬†if i’m pregnant i get a positive HPT before my missed period, if i’m not, I don’t.

today i am two days away from my beta and i got a negative.

other than this crazy metallic taste on my tongue i haven’t had any other symptoms. i have felt in my heart since about friday that this transfer didn’t work.

i have been pretty even with my emotions. ¬†no manic mood swings or anxiety but i have cried a few times. i cried because i REALLY didn’t want to have twins, i have cried because i know it didn’t work, i have cried because “it did work and i only want to have maeve! i want her to be an only”.

today i cried when i saw the NO – because i’m worried that maeve will be mad at me if she is an only child. ¬†will she hate us for not giving her a sibling? ¬†will she be jealous of her cousins that have their sisters to be best friends with.

i am crying because we still have 3 embryos frozen and i don’t really know if i want to transfer them. ¬†they are from our first IVF cycle where sperm and egg did not meet and fertilize within the first 24 hours and rescue ICSI was performed to try and salvage the lot. ¬†one of those embryos was a blighted ovum pregnancy, two more from that batch were a failed frozen transfer. ¬†we don’t really trust those embryos and neither did our doctor so that is why we did a second IVF, the IVF were we got maeve.

i am crying because i selfishly just don’t want to do this anymore. ¬†we have been going through this stuff for several years. ¬†we have a beautiful, healthy, smart and funny baby girl. ¬†i kind of just want to stop trying for more. ¬†i honestly don’t know if i need more. ¬†i think with this transfer i really started to realize that I DON’T NEED anything more to make my life or my family complete.

i am crying because i don’t know if our families will understand and accept this.

blood draw is thursday morning. ¬†we’ll get the real scoop (confirmation) and then i’m going to go back to loving maeve and our little family just the way it is.

when 1 becomes 2

we went for dinner at chris’ parent’s house and put maeve to bed there at about 8 p.m. she was super gassy for some reason and she was screaming, SCREAMING when we put her down. ¬†that NEVER happens. i thought of course, here we go. i managed to sooth her on my breast and then rocked her and sang to her and she was all settled to sleep in no time. phew!

i awoke like a shot at 5:37 a.m. after having a mild nightmare about me loosing maeve in a natural disaster. ¬†i was reunited with her at the end of the dream and was crying ugly tears of relief. i woke up with tears on my cheeks. ¬†it’s been a long while since something like that has happened so rattled me quite a bit but i was all calmed down by 6:10 when our alarms went off.

we got out of the house by 6:55. ¬†not bad as we set our goal time at 6:45. ¬† smooth sailing until about 40 min down the highway and then like usual, stop and go. yet another accident. ¬†we crawled through that for about a half an hour, and although i know they wait for you to arrive to start the thaw, i still just didn’t want to be dealing with this added worry.

we got up to the clinic at exactly 8:45 a.m. so we were actually right on time!

we had to take care of some finances first so we made our way to the payment office. when one IVF cycle became covered by OHIP this year the regular fees for procedures and what not skyrocketed. ¬†a frozen embryo transfer used to be $1,500, now it’s $2250. ¬†the freezing & storage fee was $240, it’s now $480. ¬†we paid for our transfer and discussed a problem i was having getting in touch with the payment officer at the hospital (our clinic is part of a hospital and storage fees are taken care of by the main hospital instead of the fertility clinic. why? who knows). ¬†we have two separate storage fees to pay. ¬†one from our 2013 IVF (three embryos) and 2014 IVF (two embryos). ¬†we got the payment for one of the storage fees taken care of and have to wait for the invoice for the second.

when we finished up there we went straight to the procedure’s waiting room. i didn’t even sit down on the lounger when i was called to “gown up” haha. then we went straight into the procedure room.

a nurse that i love was there and the over seeing doctor was the same doctor that performed maeve’s transfer two years ago. ¬†seeing their faces made me SO happy. ¬†we made small talk and i showed the nurses, doctors and embryologists pictures of maeve and they were so excited to see her. ¬†the embryologist asked if she could keep one of the pictures for our file and i told to keep them all! she was thrilled.

then the doctor brought over the consent sheet to go over the embryo that was being transferred and to our surprise there were TWO EMBRYOS listed. TWO.  we was only supposed to be ONE.

when we told everyone that we were planning on only transferring one embryo you should have seen the look of shock on all of their faces LOL. i don’t think i have ever seen eyes get that big before!! ¬†they calmly walked over to the counter and checked our chart and sure enough our doctor had listed A DOUBLE EMBRYO TRANSFER.

we had just talked on sunday about being nervous about only transferring one embryo this time. we have always transferred two.

we went over the odds of implantation and the chance of twins and then chris and i chatted in private and we just feel like our decision was made for us. (an added bonus – we don’t have to pay that second storage & freezing fee! bahahaha)

TWO IT WAS.

there was a 3BC and a 3CB.

the embryologist told us that only one of the embryos looked perfect after the thawing and was already starting to hatch. the other was not in the same condition.

in our hearts we feel like this will be a singleton pregnancy, you just never know, but this is what we feel.

so, now we wait until september 1st for my first beta test.

i hadn’t planned on listing all of my symptoms as i wait for my first beta but i already have a major symptom going on. ¬†my tongue feels like i have metal in my mouth. it actually hurts with the “taste” it’s so strong. ¬†every other time i have been pregnant i have had this “metal mouth”.

now we wait!

best hubby out there -coffee and water for the road. ¬†also, bagel sandwiches for the road, yum! our photos of maeve to share. my lucky pants!! a little chuckle after the transfer. a couple of old bitties out for a cruise, helmets and all. their heads will be perfectly in tact when they find them decapitated on the side of the road. ¬†i am soooooo morbid, i know! our new little “squirts” xox

August 23rd

tomorrow is maeve’s 16 month milestoneūüôā

tomorrow is also our frozen embryo transfer dayūüôā

our transfer time 8:45 a.m. i am taking maeve to my in-law’s this evening for a sleep over and that way chris and i can get a good sleep, get up and just head to the city. ¬†no rushing around for drop off.

i have had a few moments leading up to our transfer that have me feeling like maybe the universe is lining up for success for us.

we were at a farmer’s market on thursday and maeve was playing ¬†with an older girl. maeve kind of poked the older girl in the face and she said “that’s okay. i have a baby sister and she does the same stuff to me. i don’t mind”. ¬†i told her she was a great big sister. then i told her that maeve loves to play with big kids. ¬†out of nowhere the girl said “i hope you have a baby, then she can be a big sister too!”. wow.

maeve has been saying “baby” non stop. ¬†i go into her nursery to get her after a nap and the first thing she says is BABY. she honestly points at me and says baby. i say “where is the baby?” and she points and she says “here” and points all over and says baby over and over.

looking forward with an open heart and hoping for the best!