This IS a test…

can anyone see this post?

people keep telling me my blog comes up as “deleted” and then they check again and it’s active?

what the heck workpress?!

if you have a sec, let me know if i’m “still alive” on here.

THANKS!

not pregnant anymore

thanks to everyone that has been thinking of us and checking in to see how things are going over here. 

unfortunately, i caught my pregnancy just as it was ending. 

HCG from Friday was 8.

very sad but counting our blessings. 

after going through many, MANY possible scenarios we’ve decided to hold off until at least next year to think about how and if we’ll move forward with growing our family. 

not like i didn’t already feel it but this attempt and loss has really hammered home the fact that Maeve is such a MIRACLE.  

i hate that opening up to try again temporarily had me thinking that maybe our family of three wasn’t good enough. 

for right now it is so much more than good enough.  

it also made me realize that Maeve is STILL A BABY.  i want to enjoy every single moment before this amazing age is just a memory that I’m longing to go back to.  

so, i guess that’s it from this little blog for a bit.  

take care everyone! 

xo

Still waiting for HCG But

this time there was also a test done on my TSH and in the past two months it’s gone from

2.28 to 2.08 to 1.34

i have been feeling amazing lately. so much energy.  happy.  excited about doing things. eating well.

this is reminding that i need to sit with my family dr. and discuss this thyroid stuff with her and see what her thoughts are on these changing levels and how drastically different i feel at each level.

Go in again today

The nurse asked me to in for blood today instead of tomorrow just to see what direction the number is going in.

I did a cheap HPT this morning and there is the fastest of faint lines so I am pretty sure I know which direction we will see it going in.

honestly, I am completely okay. I have never been able to be this okay with a lost pregnancy and it is such a peaceful feeling.

I’m loving on Maeve today and counting every single blessing in my life.

 

17

so my beta result is 17.

really not great. ¬†maeve started at 33 so i know i draw low numbers. i am disappointed but not really thinking it’s over.

my next draw is on saturday morning.

if the number takes a dive then it was, what it was. if the number continues to climb and doubles i won’t be too excited. ¬†first ultrasound is the only true confirmation.

well this is embarssing

i cried my face off for so many reasons when i got the NO – this morning.

i called my husband and cried to him and we talked about our feelings regarding a failed transfer.  we know that our lives are awesome with maeve and we are truly happy and grateful to have her and our little family.  we talked about just living life for a while before we think about what to do with those 3 frozen embryos.  we just paid the annual fee to keep them frozen and we will know for certain if we will want to try again for another baby before this year is out.

i texted a friend to let her now i got a negative just to let someone else know.

then i went to the washroom and the digital test with NO Р was staring up at me from the trash can.

then i thought about opening the digital test.

when you crack them open they just have the normal test strip inside that has a control line and then obviously the second line if it’s positive.

i cracked it open and found this

the “nick” in the center was from me tearing the paper when i was taking the strip out of the test holder. ¬†the second line is to the left of the nick. i would say that is a pretty good faint line.

damnit. i’m embarrassed guys. fucking hormones! let’s see what the first beta number is on thursday.

fairly certain she will be an only

i always test before my beta blood draw. ¬†if i’m pregnant i get a positive HPT before my missed period, if i’m not, I don’t.

today i am two days away from my beta and i got a negative.

other than this crazy metallic taste on my tongue i haven’t had any other symptoms. i have felt in my heart since about friday that this transfer didn’t work.

i have been pretty even with my emotions. ¬†no manic mood swings or anxiety but i have cried a few times. i cried because i REALLY didn’t want to have twins, i have cried because i know it didn’t work, i have cried because “it did work and i only want to have maeve! i want her to be an only”.

today i cried when i saw the NO – because i’m worried that maeve will be mad at me if she is an only child. ¬†will she hate us for not giving her a sibling? ¬†will she be jealous of her cousins that have their sisters to be best friends with.

i am crying because we still have 3 embryos frozen and i don’t really know if i want to transfer them. ¬†they are from our first IVF cycle where sperm and egg did not meet and fertilize within the first 24 hours and rescue ICSI was performed to try and salvage the lot. ¬†one of those embryos was a blighted ovum pregnancy, two more from that batch were a failed frozen transfer. ¬†we don’t really trust those embryos and neither did our doctor so that is why we did a second IVF, the IVF were we got maeve.

i am crying because i selfishly just don’t want to do this anymore. ¬†we have been going through this stuff for several years. ¬†we have a beautiful, healthy, smart and funny baby girl. ¬†i kind of just want to stop trying for more. ¬†i honestly don’t know if i need more. ¬†i think with this transfer i really started to realize that I DON’T NEED anything more to make my life or my family complete.

i am crying because i don’t know if our families will understand and accept this.

blood draw is thursday morning. ¬†we’ll get the real scoop (confirmation) and then i’m going to go back to loving maeve and our little family just the way it is.