sorry friends, no, i am not pregnant 😦
i just hate the term “only child”. it just seems negative to me. like you ONLY have her?
she IS our only though. our one and only. our only true reason for living. the only one that has our hearts completely.
i have been debating this topic for months and months but i don’t know why i am debating it? because i think i should? it’s the normal thing to do? i have asked myself various questions. do i want to put myself through all of this uncertainty again? do i have even the slightest spark of wanting another? will a second child make our family complete?
the answer to these questions is no, no, and no.
i don’t want another child. so why am i constantly thinking about it?
there are a million things i think about when i think about another. some things are sad because i worry what life will be like for maeve if she doesn’t have a sibling. some are irrational because i am thinking of my ego and what people will think of me. some are selfish because i don’t want to go through anymore fertility treatments, i do not want to be pregnant again, i do not want to recover from a 5th surgery, i do not want to go through PPD again.
i worry that maeve is a very social and caring child that would be an amazing big sister and we are choosing to not give her that opportunity. she would miss out on having a forever friend and playmate. someone for her to go on adventures with and kiss and hug endlessly. however, i have been told by many people not to have a second child just to give your child a sibling. you must really want to have a second.
i worry that people will look at me with one child and think “what is wrong with her that she can’t handle more than one? she must not be a very good or loving mother”. other family members that are very close to us have 3 (going on 4) and 2 children and i worry that people will think that i am not as “good” as these moms if i don’t have more than 1. this is stupid. i know this but i don’t want to be thought of a lesser mom because i only want one. although, truth be told, i don’t know how well i would handle more than one. my patience wears thin on a daily basis with our extremely spirited child and i really don’t know what kind of mom i would be to two. i would obviously be able to do it but at what cost to my mental well being?
i worry that i will not love a second baby the same way if i have to go through all of this infertility and pregnancy BS once again. i almost didn’t make to my pregnancy with maeve. i had embryos waiting and still i just wanted to give up. i was at the end of my infertility rope. i almost didn’t make it through my pregnancy with maeve. i honesly barely made it through each day for a slew of reasons and i can’t even begin to think about doing that again with a massive handful of a toddler in my life.
i don’t want to be sad anymore. i don’t want the particular type of sadness and longing that infertility brings into my life to be in my life ever again. yes, that extreme sadness brought me the best thing that has ever happened to me but now i have gotten everything i ever wanted – a beautiful, healthy child. i am not longing for this anywhere near as much as i did before maeve.
if we just get down to brass tax, and completely take emotions out of the equation, the likeliness of us having another child is like 0%. we have transferred 7 embryos and have had 1 living child. we have 3 embryos frozen and they are from an IVF cycle where nothing fertilized naturally and emergency ICSI had to be performed 24 hours post retrieval to salvage the eggs. our doctor never gives percentages as there really aren’t any for our particular situation but i am pretty sure it is a 0% chance that any of these 3 embryos will actually produce a living child. we can not do IVF again. yes, we have a covered cycle but i produce too many follicles and not enough mature eggs. i think in my last egg retrieval i had well over 30 follicles and only 7 mature eggs! out of those 7, 4 made it to blast to be frozen. after that round of IVF i went in OHSS and was in the hospital for 8 days. my ovaries swelled so large that they affected my kidneys and morphine barely worked for the pain. i filled with 30 lbs of fluid. i can never risk going through that again. my husband has told me he never wants me to go through that again. he would never want another child badly enough to risk it.
in the end i know all of this is a defense mechanism. i have to convince myself that i do not want another because if i let myself truly want another and then we can not have one i will spend the rest of my life feeling like my family is not complete and i will miss the child we do not have. if i never let myself want another child then i will not miss anything.
i just wish i had a crystal ball.