6 sweet months

guys, my love for maeve has reached a fever pitch.

everyday is my best day with her :)

2015-10-24 13.57.01 2015-10-24 13.57.16

i turned 33 last month and my dad turned 75 :)  he’s really impressed LOL

2015-10-24 14.57.29 2015-10-24 14.57.55

daddy’s little hockey fan

2015-10-24 15.52.51

nana’s lovey

2015-10-25 13.22.16 2015-10-29 09.41.43  2015-11-01 07.36.13

miss independent

2015-11-02 08.53.49 2015-11-02 08.54.57 2015-11-02 08.57.47

she doesn’t need to crawl when she can ROLL everywhere haha

2015-11-02 11.03.40

she had a little cold but that doesn’t phase her, she just always smiling xox

half a year old

our little pigeon is 6 months old today.

she’s got 2 teeth, she’s eating solids, she’s sitting up pretty much on her own, she “talks and talks” dada, nana, lala, gurgling, squealing.  she loves her mama and dada.  she lights up when she sees us first thing in the morning, when she wakes up from her nap, when we enter a room.  she makes us feel like a million bucks and she makes us feel whole. she is our everything.

DSC_0148 copy

a busy month

we’ve been BUSY!

chris is back to work in just a couple of weeks and we are making the most of the end of his parental leave.

we have been so fortunate to be off and taking care of Maeve together for the past 5 and half months.  there have been ups and downs.  couples aren’t supposed to spend that much time together sometimes haha but at the end of the day it has been wonderful.  we have been able to live like we’re retired and do whatever we feel like at the drop of a hat and wow, how freeing that has been!

we’re almost finished the second bathroom.  chris tiled and grouted over the past few days.  i painted today and he is working on the flooring as i am typing.  update photos to come :)

we did fall camping for the first time in Algonquin Park last week.  we had a micro furnace in the boler and it was amazing.  i was too hot at times!  the temperature and weather was perfect for hiking. the day we left the park the sun came out and we got some awesome photos of the fall colours.

Maeve just broke her second tooth two days ago.  teething is kind of crazy in that she can only make it through the night by suckling on me.  those nights are looooong.  thank goodness it only took 3 nights this time.

We went to the apple orchard and took some photos.  fuck this kid is cute.

i won an ipad mini! our town had a photo scavenger hunt contest this summer. i downloaded the app in june and the contest ended on the monday of the labour day weekend.  i did all of my photos, 30 of them, on the last day haha my name was put in a draw with the other people that participated and lucky me, my name was drawn.  i got a gold ipad mini 4 16 GB.  so so sweet.

i am currently surrounded by piles and piles of 6-12 month clothing.  my SIL has given all of the clothes she had saved from her 3 girls.  as we reached each new age bracket a bucket gets handed over.  it’s absolutely amazing. being the last to have a baby has actually paid off LOL

DSC_0095 DSC_0097 DSC_0110 DSC_0111 DSC_0123 DSC_0126 DSC_0128 DSC_0139 DSC_0150 DSC_0162adj DSC_0188 DSC_0218 DSC_0229 DSC_0238ADJ.2 DSC_0241ADJ DSC_0270ADJ DSC_0090 (Medium) DSC_0092RESIZED DSC_0102ADJ DSC_0111 (Medium) DSC_0120 (Medium) DSC_0127ADJ DSC_0128ADJ DSC_0143 (Medium) DSC_0144 (Medium)

2015-08-11 12.16.57 - Copy 2015-09-07 14.14.49 2015-09-09 09.51.42 2015-09-11 15.48.41 2015-09-19 13.29.05 2015-09-20 16.13.46 2015-09-20 16.34.14 2015-09-23 08.26.23 2015-09-23 09.28.50 2015-09-24 11.23.51 2015-09-26 11.04.33 2015-09-28 20.01.54 2015-10-01 18.45.49 2015-10-03 11.57.21 2015-10-03 11.58.44 2015-10-03 11.59.33 2015-10-04 17.07.39-2 2015-10-07 16.48.53 2015-10-09 14.20.46 2015-10-09 18.57.35 2015-10-09 18.59.57 2015-10-09 19.55.58 2015-10-10 11.26.01

Domestic Engineer

i heard the job title “domestic engineer” on the family feud the other day.  it took me a moment to get it.  looks like everyone has to have a creative title nowadays ;)

i am most familiar with “stay at home mom – SAHM”.  i am also most comfortable using that title.

i have been a SAHM since Maeve was born in april.  chris has been fortunate to take half the year off to be home with us as well so we’ve been a SAHC (stay at home couple) for about 5 months now.

chris is going back to work at the beginning of november.  that will be the OFFICIAL SAHM start date for me.  i know for sure right now that i will not be going back to work at the end of my year off.  working in before and after school daycare just doesn’t make any sense now that we have a child.  we made the decision that i would not be going back to work when Maeve was 12 months, regardless.  for US daycare for our child that is under 18 months was just an idea that we didn’t like. this works for so, so many families, our own extended families and friend’s families included, but we just decided that we wouldn’t send her before 18 months.

we’ve made it a point to talk about about “life after mat-leave” a lot.  time goes on, life changes, ideas change.  we always want to be on the same page, especially with how our life is evolving as a new family.

my husband is great with financial choices and i can’t lie, i directly benefit from this.  i am very fortunate that the choices he and i have made over the years are now working out in amazing ways for Maeve.

i have been a wife for 5 years now and have lived with my husband for 8. i have managed many aspects of our household for years.  i shop, cook, clean, organize, run errands.  i make our home look “pretty” with seasonal decor and lawn and garden maintenance.  my friends call me a “mini martha” hahaha.  i have also struggled in this roll at times.  i have been very sad and depressed at times. i have had seasonal jobs which involve being laid off for months at a time and in those lay offs i have felt like i’m not equal.  truth is i could never be equal to my husband.  his annual salary far surpasses anything i’ve ever made. on top of this i have been physically incapable of maintaining our household during times of recovery (after surgery). all of which has made me feel very lost at times.  like i didn’t have a purpose.  in general, i get S.A.D when the seasons change.  have a history of anxiety and depression.  since having maeve i have had maybe 2 moments of very short lived anxiety.  i have been happy.  it is also summer though so with the season changing to fall now i’ll see how i feel going forward.

i know my personality and if i don’t get “everything” done in a day i feel like a failure.  i put a lot of pressure on myself and put a lot on my plate.

knowing all of this about myself i have to make a SAHM plan.  i need to have certain things planned out each day so that at the end of the day i can feel accomplished.  i know a lot of women will think “you’re a mom, you’re accomplishment is raising a baby everyday” and that is most definitely number one.  maybe i’m even putting too much pressure myself from the start.  maybe i don’t need a plan so much but to just let each day happen.  i may start that way but i’ll still have my plan waiting in the wings if i start to feel lost or off track.

i’m going to make certain days “grocery day”, “laundry day”, “yard work day”. i’m going to plan a daily dinner, a task to complete each day in terms of keeping up the household. i’m going to plan at least one outing a day with maeve be it a walk or a community drop-in activity.  i feel like picking only 1 thing in each category i will feel accomplished and not overwhelmed.

any other SAHMs that have any input from your personal experiences of being a SAHM, i would looooove to hear from you! challenges.  successful strategies.  recipes! lol i’m all ears :)

bathroom reno – “vanity” issues

who would have known a little sink and mirror could be so challenging?!  hahaha

so.  we found a mirror yesterday.

2015-09-09 10.25.55 2015-09-09 10.26.31

i am SUPER visual, so the bucket was our fill in for the sink so i could “see it” hahaha.

the sink was delivered about an hour later lol

2015-09-09 11.38.15

so now the great debate.  one light above the mirror? or sconce lights on either side?  the sink is wider than the bucket so i think sconce lights are an option but what’s best.  create a “vanity” area by adding width with light fixtures? or do i keep it all lean and tight?  the sink and mirror are no the only things along that wall.  the toilet will be coming off the back wall and facing in towards the sink.

bathroom reno – round 2

work has begun in our second bathroom!  there is still some stuff to do in the second level bathroom but it is just finishing touches so i gave the “okay” for focus to be shifted to the second reno hahaha (because i’m really the on in charge here …. hahaha).

i hadn’t really thought about actually ever getting to my bathroom (i’m soooo dramatic) so i hadn’t even thought about all the stuff i had to decide on and purchase in order for any of this to happen!

so last night i had a chance to sit down and pick some things out.  it’s a lot harder to find all the things you need in same colour and (somewhat of) the same style.  then you have to think about the “weight” of your items.  will solid, heavy fixtures, look good with a “light” simple mirror?  do you have then have to keep the lighting “light” to match the mirror?  does it all need to be “heavy” to stand up with each other?  sconce lights on either side of the mirror? do they hang upwards or downwards? or should you go with just one light above the mirror?

the biggest problem i have with this is i have to know ALL of it without seeing it together.  i have look at separate pieces online and then hope they actually go together in real life and order it sight unseen.  most people go to the big box hardware store, pick out some very nice things that all match up in and have a cohesive look. they end up with a normal, matching room when they are done. that would be too easy for us hahaha.  well, firstly, we have a small amount of space so “typical” things won’t work for us.  we need a wall mounted sink for space reasons.  then we have a very old claw foot tub that requires a very specific faucet system.  then on top of all that i don’t want silver.  no chrome.  no brushed nickel.  i’ll have none it!  i, of course, want antique brass hahaha.  that narrowed the choices pretty damn quick!   then good luck finding anything in a matching set in that finish…

so after my husband spent a all full day, no joke, all full fucking day online looking at things and me getting really frustrated with him and sitting down for a few hours last night, i now have a bunch of stuff headed my way from China and the U.S hahaha.

i really hope it all goes together.

now to figure out lighting and a mirror, like yesterday, because of course that all has to be chosen before the drywall can ever go up….


these are all for sure items

6bc6748eb314d2a0c05a05d0aad8e798  b91b0f7e77f04e019f90be2ce3430928

e4b136b8b54046be96082b4f2859da43 b6e6dd892eb0ee2ab79d146953a9efcb

download cbfc5a9032fc24d346363c6ec3a33d8e

these are the “will this fucking work?!” items

c2d827c7c0b46da85350badf2e8e8b49 ae93be969dca919f719625158bd027dd 8ec254f442154cf40f8b4bc1d2552d78 8a607103cae3a013487be3c6aed91859 5ac3f934d2c99c64e6c899aaf4cb7248 4c220f754439911cf1b66bdd8b06d2e3

we just decided that we’ll go to the antique market down the road today and see if we can find a mirror.  then i will for sure be able to make a decision on lighting :)

they still just don’t get it

since getting pregnant and having maeve i have obviously been able to let go of the hurt and frustration of not being able to stay pregnant and have a baby.  however, the pain of our loses before that and the fear of future loses and worry about TTC again still creeps up from time to time.  it still makes me very sad and i don’t cry about it as much as i did but i still get very emotional at times.

as mentioned before i am in a lot of pain and there is no diagnosed reason (yet) for this.  we are slowly narrowing it down and i am hopeful we will find a reason and fix it very soon.  as we were visiting with my in-laws last week my husband started telling his mom about my pain.  during that conversation it kind of transitioned into the topic of more children and i answered honestly that right now i feel like i could have one and be absolutely happy.  my husband also commented that i have been through so much and am now going through this postpartum pain he would not resent me at all for only wanting one and he too would be fulfilled.  his mother kind of brushed it off and said, “well you have more times to try so you should try them all and then if it doesn’t work you know you at least tried”.

they still just don’t get it and if they don’t get it now, they never will.  can i really blame them for not getting it though?  no.  i kind of can’t.  if you haven’t been through something and felt firsthand what it’s like then it’s impossible to truly get it.  my MIL has been by the bedside of my FIL on numerous occasions, wondering if she was going to lose him to complications with diabetes and blood clots and amputations and cancer.  i have never experienced the profound worry and heartache that would be felt in that situation but i can without a doubt empathize and imagine what that would be like.  i feel like with us, there isn’t that same empathy applied.  i know my husband’s family does everything with humor and an optimistic outlook.  you have to use both of those things to get through the trails and tribulations of life and we have applied those same coping mechanisms to our own loses and struggle but i just don’t feel like they “feel” anything towards it.  there is no emotion involved in these discussions.  my husband has admitted that he doesn’t really feel much emotion.  they didn’t express themselves emotionally as a family.  he never heard i love you or got many kisses and hugs as a child.  his mother is a math teacher and chris follows in this family trait and so things are very cut and dry.  fact and function.  logic.  no emotion.  i on the other hand, i run pretty much SOLELY on emotions.  yes, yes, there are facts and logic but we are human beings.  we need to relate on an emotional level more then anything else.  i think the fact that in all these (rare) discussions i have never been commended for going through everything that i have is what really bothers me.  i don’t need to be treated like saint by any means but some recognition and love put towards the ordeal of a lifetime would be kind of nice.  thinking and discussing with some heart is all i’m asking for.  logical thought, however, seem to be all my MIL is capable of.  the “you have more times to try, so try more times” is all she can muster.  i think she just can’t physically go any deeper than that.

it’s hurtful that she may think that i haven’t tried enough or that we haven’t succeeded yet.  the comment of “try more times and when you’ve tried all that you can THEN you’ll know you did your best”.  that right there, really stings.  i have ALREADY done my best.  i have tried everything i could for the last 4 years.  i survived losing 3 babies.  for two of those i had to make the decision to end my babies lives (2 ectopics).  i had 3 surgeries in less then 3 years.  needles poked in almost every part of my body.  i went through the mental roller coaster of 2 rounds of IVF.  suffered OHSS.  had a rough pregnancy and even rougher labour.  i have already “tried my best”.

i think what’s frustrating about this scenario too is the idea that so many people have in that if you don’t have more than one child you won’t be fulfilled.  or that choosing to have one child makes it look like you can’t handle more than one.  we have a dream baby. she is amazing.  i love her more than words could possibly express.  right now, (and mind you i am only 4 months postpartum), i feel complete.  we have a family. i am a mom. i am so happy.  i don’t feel like having more than one will make me more complete at this point.  it is still a general idea though that a family is complete once there are (at least) 2 children.

this has been kind of a jumble of thoughts but that makes sense because my head is just an endless jumble of thoughts these days. i don’t really know how to end this post.  it wasn’t a topic i thought out to talk about today it just happened to be on my mind as i opened my computer so i went with it.  i think i don’t know how to end this post because i don’t know if this is the end to our TTC journey.  what i DO know, however, that this most likely is not the end of people just not getting it.

blog catch up #2 – Maeve

wordpress is really pushing it these days with not saving drafts…. or am i just not saving them…. needless to say, i’m pretty frustrated.

i had almost finished my catch post #2 – all about maeve – and it didn’t save.  i’m so bummed it’s all gone :(  *le sigh*

after not posting in forever i made a goal to write about three things i’d been thinking about a lot lately.  3 posts in one week was a pretty lofty goal so i’ll be happy with my one (technically there were 2 but…. clearly i can’t let this go ahhah).  this week i now have a 2 post goal ;)

maeve is growing and changing so rapidly i can barely keep up. it seems like there is a new thing almost every day.

the newest new thing is she broke her first tooth on thursday! well technically i started to feel it before i put her to bed on wednesday but in the baby books i’m going with thursday.  4 months, 11 days and that sharp little sucker finally popped out :)  she has been quite good about it too.  no face rash, no bum rash, no fever, no diarrhea.  actually it’s been the opposite.  all of a sudden she’s started going 2-3 days between poops :S  she still keeps her smile through it all though. even when she’s crying, she’s still trying to keep a smile. it’s almost heart breaking to watch.

she’s rolling over consistently but hates tummy time.  she’s gets herself over, is happy for about 30 seconds then all hell breaks loose.  she always has her hands in her mouth so when she gets on her tummy she rams them in there and then doesn’t work on holding her head up or using her arms to lift herself.  maybe now that the tooth is out she will focus more on this?

this a weird one but she discovered the back of her head hahaha.  she takes her hand and strokes her little mullet back there LOL.

she smiles and “talks” and yells and babbles.  she moves her mouth when you are talking to her.  she has started to make “muh muh muh” sounds. it’s so adorable. she looks like she’s ready for food.  she watches everything you do and even mimics the chewing motion.  i’m going to talk to the dr. about pablum at her 4 month appt. on tuesday.  it’s early but she also already has a tooth so she may be developing more rapidly in that department.

i’ll be honest, she is sleeping pretty horribly right now and i am really tired! she went from sleeping 6-7 hours through the night to 3 in a row, if i’m lucky! once she’s up she is insistent on suckling at my boob.  even when she’s been, from i can tell, dead asleep for half an hour on my breast as soon as i put her down she’s wailing.  however, this morning there a twist in the plot! she fell off my boob and started fussing.  i tried putting her back on but she kept fussing.  i put her down in the bed beside me and fell fast asleep.  progress?!  i sure as hell hope so haha.

she LOOOOOOOVES her jolly jumper and i love it too!  a few meals without a baby in my arms is pr-i-tty nice.  she will spend a solid half an hour in there before she starts to fuss.  what a great invention.  she has a couple of JJ sessions a day now.

she is almost too big for her bath tub.  she want to sit up and slash the water with her hands.  my husband has just started the work on the second bathroom reno and that is where the tub will be so it she’ll be in the sink tub for a couple of months still but once the bathroom is finished she is going to have a ball splashing away in there.

we started putting her in the actual stroller.  we just clip the straps her waist, not worrying about the shoulders and lean it back into an elevated laying position and she loves it.  she kicks her legs up onto the cup holder, bar thingy (what is that part even called!?) and she is straight up chillin’ in there!

there is more i’m forgetting for sure but happy to have some of this recorded to look back on.

2015-09-02 16.58.54 2015-09-02 16.59.22 2015-09-03 12.45.22 2015-09-04 14.26.47