blog catch up #1 – pain

i’m in a lot of pain folks!  i honestly thought after the miscarriages, surgeries, IVF treatments, D&C, OHSS, pregnancy, labor and subsequent c-section i would finally be done with my pain and skipping my ass everywhere i went from here on out.

of course i couldn’t be that lucky.

after i had my PUPPPs rash at the two month mark and the relaxin started to leave my body i started to get very intense lower back, hip, knee, shin and foot pain.  i have always had achy feet and the odd aches in my shins but the pain now is like nothing i’ve ever had in the past. i wrote about my pain in a post not too long ago. it was brief and i’m not even sure if i had seen my dr. about it at that point but i’m still in so much pain.  my dr. checked my blood for all sorts of things including a marker for inflammatory disease, protein, RA, etc. and thank goodness it all came back negative.  the vision of MS in my future was pretty terrifying.  she gave me a referral to a rheumologist and i saw him last thursday.  she was a young dr. very nice, very thorough, an attentive listener (and kind of cute ;) ). he asked all sorts of questions, took lots of notes, checked all my joints, like i’m talking every single one.  manipulated my legs and back and found some concern in my lower back.  he ordered more blood work to check calcium levels and i’m doing another genetic test with a long name and numbers in it that i can’t remember. he also ordered x-rays on my hips, pelvis, knees, feet, spinal lumbar and one more thing i can’t remember and i’m too lazy to go check the paper work for lol.  from what i could read in the notes at the top the x-rays are ruling out degenerative vs. inflammatory.  if nothing obvious is seen in the x-rays i’ll then be sent for an MRI to get an up close and personal look at my insides.  he is on the path of thinking it’s a herniated disk in my lower spine.  i googled up herniated disc because i thought if that is actually what it is i would be all jacked up and in so much pain i could barely move, no?  the answer to that is actually no. you can have a herniated disc your whole damn life and have no idea and no pain.  or you can have herniated disc and feel like you are 120 years old. you can have a charlie horse in your ass cheeks and the backs of your thighs all day, erry day. your knees can feel like they are about to snack backwards at any moment and your feet might as well be bound in chinese foot wraps.

there are things you can do that are non-surgical to help alleviate a herniated disc.  you can do stretches and exercises, apply hot and cold compresses, have acupuncture treatments and go for chiropractic adjustments. in some cases though, you have to have surgery to remedy the problem.

so, yet again, i’m anxiously waiting to find out what the hell is wrong with me (this time!) hahaha.  i woke up this morning and had twisted my back in a way that is very painful and the struggle is super real in my lower half today.

i’m putting my dr. hat on and putting my money on herniated disc only correctable by surgical intervention.

:)

getting back to using this blog as i intended to

we’ve been gone for 2 weeks on a road trip through michigan, indiana, illinois and wisconsin.  we spent most of the trip in michigan and wisconsin.  we spent 2 days in illinois in chicago specifically and we actually only briefly drove through part of indiana (we never even stepped foot on the ground hahaha).

i want to post about all the things we did on our vacation.

i want to post about how maeve is growing up, so much and so fast.

i want to post about my trip to the rheumologist today and what we’re doing to try and diagnose the pain i’ve been having in the lower parts of my body.

i am not sure how many of you really care about my life hahaha but i want to use this blog to record the things that are happening, how i feel about them and what i plan to do next.

in the next week i am making a goal of posting about all the topics i listed above.

i hope i don’t let myself down.

feet

who knew feet could make you so proud?!

little pigeon (my nickname for maeve) was laying in my lap just before bed last night and we were having a little chat. she was kicking her feet, using my boobs like punching bags like always (ouch!), when all of a sudden she looked down and deliberately reached out and grabbed her foot!

i didn’t know it was possible to feel so proud hahaha i think i was just so happy to have seen her “very first time” right there, up close and personal style.

at first i didn’t want my newborn to ever get big and grow up and now i just love watching her grow and learn.  i look forward to every little new thing she does and am excited for them to all happen in her due time.

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xoxox

so many things

no time! i lay in bed at the end of the day and think about the blog posts i could do. i write them in my head and get really mad that i’m too tired to get up and actually write them.  then i wake up and i totally forget everything. ahaha so here is just a random grouping of “stuff” that is going on right now.

we just got back from a mini vacation in niagara falls.  we drove there on wednesday afternoon and got back yesterday at 5 p.m.  we went to celebrate my MIL’s 60th birthday and it was the first time we all got together for a trip away – my SIL, BIL and our 3 neices, MIL and FIL and our little family.  i got thinking about it and we have never all gone away together as a family before and my husband and i have been together for 9 YEARS!  it was really nice.  it’s great to just tag along and be part of the fun and not have to be “in charge”.  i feel like if you have too many expectations when it comes to going on a trip like this you will just be discouraged and disappointed so i like making a point of not having any.

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now we’re getting ready to head out again on the 13th for our road trip to milwaukee and chicago.  we’ll be gone for about 2 weeks.  i was worried about maeve and all the driving but in just a couple short weeks she is over her crying in the car seat and actually sits and plays around.  she has started to show interest in lots of things now that just last week she had no patience for.  yesterday she was looking at her car seat toys and actually reaching out to touch them.  she will sit and “talk” and smile with me.  she loves being sung to!  it’s amazing.  she makes eye contact the whole time and smiles and smiles.  i also did my first “boob dangle”.  yes, me, the head of the “itty bitty comity” got my boob in baby’s mouth while she was still in the car seat! ahhahaha  i will obviously bring my pump on the trip but just knowing that i can keep her happy in the seat without having to stop every half hour is amazing.

i am in SO MUCH PAIN in my feet, legs, knees, hips and lower back.  i have been seeing a chiropractor/message therapist and it’s nice but it’s not showing much results. i finally went to my dr. and she agreed that what i’m going through is not normal at all. so now i am waiting on results of my blood test for inflammation, protein, iron, thyroid and rheumatoid arthritis. i don’t want any of these things to be wrong with me but i kind of just want something to come back so i can know what’s wrong and start to fix it.  i feel like i’m 80 and makes me insane. i hobble out of bed. i can’t get up off the floor if i’m holding maeve. i have to do like 4 different steps just to get myself up and then get her up too.  i can’t even get into the details… it’s impossible to describe.  i forgot to mention my problem with painful sex but i recently found a post about it and got some insight from a fellow blogger as well so i at least have a couple of names i can put on it the next time i see my dr.

we are STILL RENOVATING THE UPSTAIRS BATHROOM. it’s getting so close but there are still so many things to do. not to mention all the “other stuff” that needs to get done around here.  putting a ceiling fan in maeve’s room, getting the edging installed in the gardens, getting soil and mulch, cleaning the windows, cleaning out the garage gutters, tidying the gardens, packing for the trip…. and what does my husband do… he tells his sister it’s “no problem” for him to go to her house BEFORE or trip (5 days from now) and take down her chimney stack on the roof.  cue STEAMING FUCKING ANGER.  like i can’t even look at him right now i am so mad about this.  it’s not that he’s helping her, it’s not that at all. it’s that we have so many things we need to get done and he just keeps putting it all off for another day. then it means that he’s gone a full day, like into then night full day, and i will be alone to look after maeve.  yes, i am alone looking after her most days but after 7 p.m. i need some help. i need a break. i need him here.  then he has the gull to say we never do anything to help his sister.  HE never does anything to help her.  i on the other hand have done her pregnancy, newborn, birthday and christmas pictures for all her kids for years and have never asked a favour from her (nor have we ever had and offer from her to help out with anything we have on our plates). i know i’m tired and i am overwhelmed about all the stuff we have to get done and then preparing for this big trip so i am probably reacting differently then i would if we didn’t have anything going on but why doesn’t he think about all this? i wouldn’t have made plans like this without thinking of him and our needs first but he can just do ahead and say yes to anything. oh and i am pretty sure he offered us (me) to baby sit all of our nieces sometime soon while his sis and BIL go to an event.  HE will be doing that.  i will be at home.

bitchfest over.

now on a way more positive note – it’s been a year and 3 days since this happened!

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august 5th, 2014. our sweet baby maeve was right there! our dream come true. the light of our lives.  my purest joy.

i think about where i’d be if i had given up and been too afraid to try just one more time.  it’s a very scary thought for me. i think about the phrase “remember why you started” and it is truly what kept me moving forward and got me to my FET after all we’d been through.

so, for everyone still on their TTC/IVF journey – REMEMBER WHY YOU STARTED – don’t give up on your hope. xoxoxxoxo

painful intercourse

yep.  i went there. 

this is an issue I’ve been dealing with since 3 weeks postpartum.  I’ve just been”waiting for it to go away” but at 14 weeks postpartum now,  i knew there was a problem.

thanks, postpartum strong, for putting a name to this issue and helping me discuss it with my doctor.

“Is Painful Intercourse Normal After Having a Baby?” – http://wp.me/p5YMRU-83

CHIRP COSMETICS

i follow Megan`s blog about her daily struggles with mental health and OCD but i most enjoy learning about all the awesome beauty products she comes across and shares.

i was super excited (and completely jealous) when she reviewed the entire line of eye shadows from a Canadian beauty product company based in my BIL`s hometown of Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario called Chirp Cosmetics Company.

the loose shadow powders that Megan reviewed were rich and silky and the colour choice was emmense!  i couldn’t wait to get online and find out more about this company.  i found Chirp Cosmetics had a website (obviously), a FB page and an Instagram account @chirpcosmetics.

i reached out to the Owner and Creator of Chirp’s products and let her know that Meagan’s review had reached and impressed me.  I mentioned that I was totally jealous and would have loved to have been the one to review her shadows hahaha. she told me she had a new line of matte lipsticks in the works that she would be releasing this summer.  she kept me in mind and the other day i received three cute little pots of matte lipsticks to try out and review  :)

this is my first time reviewing a product and i hope i do these amazing little lipsticks justice.

first i’ll share with you a little bit of information about Chirp Cosmetics

“handmade in small batches with high quality ingredients, chirp cosmetics company offers a beautiful alternative to conventional makeup

based out of sault ste. marie, ontario, chirp cosmetics company began with a vision to offer unique makeup colours based on both popular and timeless looks. there is so much unique inspiration everywhere! an added bonus to the beauty of the products is that they all have a natural and/or mineral base.

chirp cosmetics company is the fruit of a true partnership. we are a married couple who live in Sault Ste. Marie, ON, and we run everything to do with chirp! she’s been arty all her life, loves playing with colour, and just so happens to have a knack for science. she makes, wears, sells, and talks to people about chirp’s makeup. he is a gamer, programmer, graphic designer and sign manufacturer, and he does the design, promotional signage, and packaging.

the name chirp has an unexpected and short story behind it. when our cat is in an affectionate mood, she communicates with us in chirps. and we love her to bits! so it was a natural fit for our company’s name”.

i love supporting handmade, small businesses and when a company’s products are cruelty free and paraben free, they adhere to health Canada’s cosmetic notification program, and source ingredients and supplies from north american suppliers i love supporting them even more!

SHIPPING PACKAGING

my three cute little matte lipsticks arrived in a very clean, nice white paper bag.  it was stamped with the Chirp logo and sealed with the cutest little birdie sticker (also part of the logo).

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PRODUCT PACKAGING

the lipsticks came in 3 ml plastic clam shell pots ($4.00 each) with a very generous portion of matte lipstick in each. (along with a business card).

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SHOCKER                                  VAMP                                FRUIT PUNCH

(COLOUR SWATCH IMAGES BORROWED FROM THE CHIRP COSMETICS WEBSITE)

THE LIPSTICK

SHOCKER – VAMP – FRUIT PUNCH

all of these colours are super vibrant.  i initially feel in love with the colour VAMP when i saw it released on Chirp’s FB page. it was the epitome of sexy.  when my samples arrived it was SHOCKER that i fell in love with.  it is summer so i am drawn to pink tones at this time of year.  i am finding that shocker and fruit punch are going with all of my outfits.  i am waiting for a night out in a nice white or black top with jeans and heels to bust out the VAMP ;)  these lipsticks go on very smoothly with a lipstick brush and a little goes a long way.  because the lipstick is matte it is very easy to forget you are wearing anything on your lips at all.  i have kissed my little babe’s head on several occasions and remembered i am wearing lipstick only after i see the stain left behind.  the pigment is strong so if you do get it on your skin, on any other place other than your lips, it does leave a bit of a stain.  this, however, is easily remedied with soap and water.  it is long lasting if you are not eating or drinking or wiping your mouth.  if you are doing those things you definitely have to reapply to keep the colour strong.

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ME – ROCKIN’ THAT MATTE LIPSTICK IN SHOCKER

all in all i am VERY impressed with these matte lipsticks.  they are reasonably priced and will last a very long time even if used daily.

i am going to place an order for some of Chirp Cosmetic’s other beauty products, starting with some eye shadows!

if you would like to try out something from Chrip Cosmetics as well, use code – REVIEW15 – for 15% off the total purchase of $10 or more :)

our potato

i’m behind quite a bit now with posts and updates.

i can easily see now how it can happen.

maeve is up a lot more in the day and is currently in “cat nap” mode so not too much gets done around here haha.  her favourite thing currently is to always be held.  gone are the days of laying peacefully on the play mat or holding her in cradle position.  she wants to see it all and she wants to see it NOW!  she found her legs a few weeks ago and always wants to be “standing”.  when being held it’s sitting up, facing outwards or else!  she is “talking” up a storm and loves to smile at us.  she is generally a happy baby (if she’s getting what she wants and doesn’t have gas).  life is getting pretty fun with her now that she is interacting and communicating with us.  one of my favourite times of the day is my bath time.  she still loves the water.  she no longer needs the sling in her tub and now happily reclines in the basin and kicks and splashes away.  she’s smiling and babbling the whole time.  i like taking the tub out to the deck under the umbrella and she can splash away and make all the wet mess she’d like.

this phase is posing a challenge for me as she literally is only happy sitting up in my arms.  well, that’s a little dramatic. i do get some time where she’s happy to lay down on her play mat or in her crib but it’s not as long as it used to be.  only a few minutes here and there before she starts yelling to be picked up.  ya, she can yell now. my arms are getting stronger!  my back is getting more sore ;)  i tried putting her in the baby einstein exersaucer but she’s still so small.  i have to wedge blankets all around her and even though she’s “standing” she’s not too happy about it.  she’s almost 3 months and almost 13 pounds so she’s just in the awkward in between stage.  we’ll get through it.  i’m sure in a few weeks when we’re on to the next phase i’ll be missing this one!

i am still having way too much fun photographing her.  my husband has actually gotten on board with it too and thinks up ideas of how to “style” her.  it’s our thing hahaha.  we are currently taking part in a community photo scavenger hunt.  we have to take photos around our community and submit them for points. this is part of our town’s goal to improve our public living spaces. of course maeve will be a part of this adventure. we already have a bunch of plans for her photo shoots hahaha.

i am feeling okay.  i have feeling very happy. no signs of baby blues or postpartum depression.  i am very happy about this as my past put me at high risk for this.  i am still at 140 lbs.  this is no surprise as i have not tried to work out or lose my baby weight in the slightest.  i talked about it previously, wanting to get the post surgery go ahead from my OB so i could get back to working out.  ya, that’s not happening haha.  yes, i am a little self conscious about my added weight but now the problem is that i am literally too sore to work out.  i feel as though i have arthritis.  my knees are KILLING me.  i can barely bend down and if i get on the floor i have to get on all fours before i can get up.  it’s insane!  my feet, ankles and shins are so sore ALL THE TIME. i have read a few threads about women having this same postpartum issue.  they all said their doctor’s tested them for rheumatoid arthritis and all the tests for it can back negative.  they said their doc’s told them “it’s just a postpartum thing” and it would be cleared up in up to 18 months.  18 MONTHS ?!  you’ve got to be effing kidding me. i do think i need to see a chiropodist.  i have had sore feet for years.  even before i was pregnant.  i spent 3 years at work on concrete floors in steal toed boots and my feet have always been sore, like since i was a little kid.

this could be a whole post on it’s own but i’ll just briefly touch on it here.  PUPPP.  my worst nightmare.  i had it for several weeks at the end my pregnancy.  it started to go away at 3 weeks postpartum.  it came back, in a nightmareishly worse form at about 7 weeks and now at 11 weeks it seems to be almost gone.  the shingles-like red, raised rash part is gone.  i got through that hell with tea tree oil based gels (active naturals and after bite gel).  i also took a homeopathic antihistamine. i am still very scaly and bumpy in places and am smoothing that out with galaxal base cream.  i am a little concerned as i have been very, very itchy the past few days….no sign of a fresh rash starting up again though so that’s good.  the skin where the rash was it not back to normal.  it’s very smooth and shiny.  almost like a burn that is healing.  it’s hard to describe.  also, when i scratch it now it burns afterwards for quite awhile.

well the little potato is waking up now i’ll just leave you with some recent photos :)

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up at nana’s house

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oma’s birthday

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play mat and tummy time – awesome garage sale find $7!! (normally $65)

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camping at Pinery – Grand Bend, ON

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baby stimulation.  maeve loves looking at her shapes!

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more camping at Pinery.  first family camping trip – great success! xoxox