am i valuable? we’ll see.

my brain had a major malfunction and i just left work today.

clocked out, got in the car and came home.

i didn’t give a shit.  i know i don’t have to because i’m totally justified.

as soon as i got home though, i called a co-worker and apologized hahaha

that turned into my manager texting and asking me to call him.

after a talk (a continuation of last night’s closing shop talk with him) he agreed with everything that i’m struggling with and a meeting is set for tomorrow morning.

i have just spent the last hour typing all my thoughts, a brief history of events and steps moving forward. i’m going to step back and see what i can add in later.  

i like my job and the people i work for and this had to happen.

i’ve been there for 3 years and this crap is just a constant and it’s time to clear the pipes and see if anything happens. if it doesn’t then i know i tried and was a loyal, hard working employee.


i think i might paint one of the bedrooms while chris is away.

wild and crazy stuff going on during my long weekend alone! hahaha

my first neutral ever!

our style is to decorate BOLDLY and we start with wall colour and work our way in.

i’m thinking grey for the other two bedrooms. not the same grey but both grey.  i am thinking a darker grey from the front room.  it may hold up better against the bright colours of a little boy’s room.  a softer grey for the back bedroom.  it would lend itself better to softer accents.  although, i am really digging this palette for a little girl’s room

SALE Deer Valley fabrics by Joel Dewberry, Azure palette, 1 yard set of 5

if you haven’t guessed yet, we’re having a boy and a girl 😉

oh who am i kidding anyway, i probably won’t even get through 5 chapters of my book, let alone paint a room LOL

the offer is off the table

no worries.

we lowed balled big time!  the place is just not worth what they are asking.

the offer was a feeler as to how desperate they may have been to get rid of it.  i mean, it only had a week long listing and a deadline for offers.

we take our offer off the table and who knows, we were the only offer, in a few weeks they could come back and want to talk?!

it was a cool chance at the right time but nothing life shattering.

we know what we’re approved for in terms of a bank loan and it opened up dialogue about a venture like this and we know what we want, what we’re willing to do to get it and how we both feel about the process.

this is not a loss to me, it’s a complete gain.

bow chicka wow wow

This little light of mine, i'm gonna let it shine

we closed our hot tub as one of my crazy “we’re trying” methods 2.5 years ago.

tonight marks the first time being back in this bad boy and oh boy did it feel good.

this was the place that my husband (then fiance) and i, spent hours planning our wedding. after our wedding it’s where we discussed our plan to start a family. it’s a place where we were feet apart from each other, no other distraction and talked about everything and anything for hours.

tonight i felt like a newlywed.

everyone jokes about hot tubs and the “bow chicka wow wow” that they inspire. it’s not going to happen the “old fashion way” for us but this hot tub is truly going to be a “baby maker” 😉

the offer is on the table

so, we submitted our offer and it’s the only one.

it’s $40,000 less than asking (we decided to in with $90,000 instead of $85,000).

they have 48 hours to get back. agent thinks we’ll hear back sometime tomorrow.

how badly do they want to be rid of this little lop-sided house?

we’ll find out very soon.

“we love you, for you”.

life changes quickly once you’re no longer pregnant.

i am back to my “normal” self and feeling great.

i don’t want to get pregnant right away actually (well, at this moment i don’t).

i love feeling lovely, pretty, confident and dreamy when i am pregnant but i love feeling strong, independent, free when i am not pregnant.

every loss is devastating. i think i won’t be able to go on. i have thoughts of suicide. (this is not a joke, or being said lightly for dramatic effect).
i am sad. i give in completely to it. i let all my being be taken by the sadness.

time goes on and i start to see the light again. happiness returns to me. it usually manifests itself as an epic baking session ending with a gourmet dinner made for my husband. it can be an all day cleaning session, including wiping the baseboards and dusting the walls or an all day errand running marathon with timing and driving routes working out so well there’s no way you couldn’t possibly cover as much ground as successfully as me.

this time my back to “normal” self is motivated to be me for a while. year one i was excited. year two i was sad and confused. year three i was bitter and angry. all the years of giving up a lot of things for a family has grown tiresome. i think now that we have gotten through the roadblock and our embryos are waiting for us, the pressure is finally off.
we can do this whenever we want. i’m 30 (poor hubs, 31 already hahaha).

i am joining crossfit. i am going to fucking give it all i got while i can. i am back down to my lighter 132 lbs and am at an awesome point to workout like hell. i will see results. i know i will. something i’ve always wanted to do and i’m going for it.

we can’t control our future but we can plan for it. all this time i was focusing on children being our only future but maybe real estate has a place as well?

we want an income property.  we’re bidding on this place on tuesday. listed for $139, 000. the house has no value. the floor is rotten and the only reason we’re bidding at all is because the hubs can do this kind of work. i help out and then i get to decorate it afterwards 🙂
we’re only bidding $85,000. one shot. that’s it. we get it, it was perfect timing, we don’t, we keep on looking.  if this actually happens then we really need to get brushed up on some tenant/landlord laws… eeek!

i am not going to let my infertility rule my life for a while. i will have hard days. there will be plenty of days that i cry but it’s got to be about me now.

i actually had a friend that said something so great to me when we lost the this pregnancy. it was so wonderful and refreshing because it wasn’t the typical – “you can try again”, “it will happen”, “it wasn’t meant to be”.

she said, “shams, i am so sorry. i know how hard this is for you and i wish i could fix it. but we don’t love you for your ability to make babies, we love you for you”.


it’s our 3rd wedding anniversary 🙂

one hell of a ride so far and i can confidently say i know way more about trust, understanding, love, commitment, loyalty and friendship than most couples married for only 3 years.

there are days i get annoyed with little things he does.  i’m not too pleased that he’s gained 20 lbs (and in all that i’ve been through i’ve made a very conscientious effort to keep myself the way i’ve always been for him). he leaves his receipts piled up at the back door shelf and it’s like pulling teeth to get him to go get a haircut when he needs one, but this man of mine is the strength in my soul, the skip in my step, the ache in my heart and i couldn’t do life without him.

we decided to stick to the traditional wedding gift list as our anniversaries go on.

so far we did year 1 PAPER – i gave him a couple of books on making maple syrup (a hobby he’s really become passionate about.  we got 3 litres from the tree out front this year!)  he gave me  – an itemized note pad for getting groceries hahaha, tina fey’s “bossy pants”, a book of love poems by pablo neruda.

year 2 COTTON – i gave him a handmade (not by me – LOL) union jack pillow cover for a throw pillow on his leather chair (stuffed with cotton –  of course) and he gave me – a mini bottle of grey goose vodka, cranberry juice, 4 crystal martini glasses and a bag of pink cotton candy – “cotton” candy martinis!

year 3 LEATHER – i gave him a 3 inch pocket blade with a partial serrated edge and a leather sheath cover to hold it.  he gave me – Canadian, handmade grey suede leather moccasins with beading and trimmed with rabbit fur.

next year is fruit/flowers… hmm that one’s not so fun.  we have a yard FULL of gardens and no room for any fruit trees.  it’s a good thing i have a whole year to get creative! oh wait – i could make WINE!

Traditional Wedding Gifts
1st Anniversary – Paper
2nd Anniversary – Cotton
3rd Anniversary – Leather
4th Anniversary – Fruit, Flowers
5th Anniversary – Wood
6th Anniversary – Candy, Iron
7th Anniversary – Wool, Copper
8th Anniversary – Bronze, Pottery
9th Anniversary – Pottery, Willow
10th Anniversary – Tin, Aluminum
11th Anniversary – Steel
12th Anniversary – Silk
13th Anniversary – Lace
14th Anniversary – Ivory
15th Anniversary – Crystal
20th Anniversary – China
25th Anniversary – Silver
30th Anniversary – Pearl
35th Anniversary – Coral
40th Anniversary – Ruby
45th Anniversary – Sapphire
50th Anniversary – Gold
55th Anniversary – Emerald
60th Anniversary – Diamond
75th Anniversary – Diamonds, Gold

3 too many! hahaha

3 too many! hahaha

the son of some friends of my parents (still with me?) had a 5 year old daughter and wanted to have a sibling for her.
i don’t know all the details but the result of their IVF journey – 4 baby boys!
oh my god!
it gives me hope and makes me feel confident in our decision of no more than 1 – (2 if we’re REALLY, REALLY convinced by our dr.) embryos at a time!
they are so precious though…