just happening now

so, i’m pretty sure i’m just ovulating now which is beyond frustrating because i thought i was bound to start my new cycle any day now.

as much as i have been fighting it, i’ve fallen right back into my old impatient self and i’m kind of mad because things aren’t just happening the way i thought they would.

each time i have always wanted a successful pregnancy but this time i am strongly determined for this to work.  like, no is NOT an option!  i want it so bad.  i am supposed to be a mom.  i am supposed to have a child and it’s time to stop fucking around!

i know mindset and determination can take you a long way, i just wish it actually meant you get the outcome you want.  I am hell bent on that happening this time.

i have physical pain on a daily basis, i have scars that will never leave my body, i have pain in my heart, i have memories that can never be erased

I AM FUCKING TIRED OF ENDURING AND GETTING NOTHING IN RETURN.

this will be my time.

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no change in plans

my dr. office called.

they are going to take care of me and the two monstrosities inside me.

i just have to call on day 1 and they will plan everything between day 2 and 5 🙂

nothing will affect our FET cycle and that is what i’m most happy about.

sigh of relief.

my 100th post! i wish it was better than this…

so that wierd thing from this morning was clearly very weird to my dr. as well.

after talking with a co-worker about a similar thing that happened to her years ago, (her’s was a cyst on her breast), i decided my dr. should know about this.  i sent the pic to my doc’s secretary at 3 p.m. while i was on my lunch break, (clearly i’m so used to strange and wild things going on with my body that i didn’t think a baseball sized thing sticking out from INSIDE MY BODY was that much of a big deal).

got a call from my doc’s office at 4:30 p.m. telling me the dr. didn’t think the cyst was THAT big in our last appointment and that i should get myself into emerge right away.

at least this time i have chris coming with me.  the last trip was agonizing! (and i even had my games of thrones book with me that time).

not sure what they will want to do.  leave it, drain it, perform surgery to remove it.  i really want it gone but i don’t want to miss more work and i absolutely don’t want to miss this cycle to try again with a FET.

i just don’t know if i can keep going knowing that it’s in there the whole time i’m pregnant…

i also can’t live with the constant nausea, zero appetite and urge to vomit when i do eat anything.

oh, just heard the door open.  chris is home.  time to go.

sigh.

WARNING – this is WEIRD

WARNING - this is WEIRD

right before my stimulation for IVF i was told i had a large cyst on my left ovary.
they did a procedure to drain it but because it’s not fully removed (which would require laparoscopic surgery) it keeps filling back up.
it was drained once again during my egg retrieval.
right now it’s full again and has moved my left ovary to the right side of my body.
this is what i woke up to this morning.
fuck me!

back on the roller coaster…

i was loving the freedom but i’m kind of starting to feel like i’m back in the “mental jail cell”.

i was doing so well focusing this energy to real things.  working around the house, visiting family and friends, giving my all at work, giving my all to my body.

i find my mind travelling back to it’s old ways.  obsessing and feeling annoyance because things are happening yet. 

i have a script in my cabinet.  

i can’t do anything until i start a period.

I am about 5 1/2 weeks post d&c.  they say it can be anywhere from 6 to 8 weeks.  

zach and stacey’s wedding next weekend and then josh and ally’s wedding the weekend after. 

re-focus the energy.

don’t let go of life shannon.  live it. it will happen. 

six of one, half a dozen of the other – post a day

Write a six-word story about what you think the future holds for you, and then expand on it in a post.

“double the pleasure, double the fun!”

we are starting round two of IVF in just a few weeks.  our first round we did one embryo transfer. i was successful in getting pregnant but the pregnancy turned out not to be viable.

we had an appointment with our dr. today and have decided to go ahead with round two right away.  

this time they transfer TWO embryos so, you never know, life could get a whole lot more interesting very soon!

 

Heart & Hormones

heart and hormones are a hell of a combo.

well actually, i think it’s the hormones that make it deadly 😉

we had our review appointment and we were very pleased with the discussion, advice, reassurance and caring our dr. showed in our time with her.

we had thought, (or rather – I had thought), that i had turned a new leaf.  the stimulation, retrieval and freezing had taken place, i had no more stress. the unknown was known and i could sit back and enjoy life again stress free knowing that our little embryos were waiting for us whenever we were ready.

that idea lasted about all of 3 weeks but i can honestly say, they have been the best 3 weeks of the last 2 years.

the tricky part is, contrary to popular belief, my brain is not is connected to my heart or my hormones!

i still don’t know when i’ll get my first period since the d&c but my hormones seem to have something in the works.  they know it’s “time”. the feeling that i am overcome with every month of longing for a child have creeped their way back into my body slowly over the past few days.

so, after our trip the clinic we have arrived home with a script for estrogen and progesterone and now we’re just waiting for dear aunt flo to make her way to town.

🙂