Making things happen

Making things happen

really pretty things are happening around here!

a new item i will be introducing in my etsy shop.

custom decorated initials. each initial will be covered in the yarn colour chosen by the customer. then they can choose the flower colours they prefer. the flower clusters can be taken on and off with velcro.

purchase a letter for $30 with one set of flower clusters included. then, have the option to purchase additional flower cluster sets for $7-10 (a set).

get a neutral letter colour and then add clusters for valentine’s day, st. patrick’s day, easter, summer, fall, halloween, Christmas… ANYTHING!

i am a goddamn genius! well… a crafting genius. maybe.

letting my brain focus on something other than trying for a baby is working out pretty good!

look for the listing in my etsy shop soon:
https://www.etsy.com/shop/GoshYarnItWreaths?ref=pr_shop_more

the little ovary that could

the hardest thing to get over is my body working the way it should.

i never really had any signs that i was ovulating while we were trying naturally. i may have had a little bit of EWM on day 14 or 15 but my body wasn’t ovulating until day 19 or 20.

now i have no chance of getting pregnant and my body has seemed to have gotten itself on the straight and narrow.

i am now at day 18 and i am showing signs of ovulation and have the most EWM i’ve ever had in my life.

i love that my little ovaries have finally figured it out. i am so proud of them!  i am also sad.

i have been counting days and following my cycle for so long i can’t stop! it’s totally pointless now.  i just wish it wasn’t so hard to know i can’t do anything about it.

you’re never too old

… to pee the bed.

:0

yep. i totally did it.  just a little spurt and then i woke up but i totally did it.

no booze involved. hahaha. although there was this one time when i was in my 20’s when i peed in a garbage can in my friends kitchen… that’s a whole other post…

no booze involved this time. just good ole’ (old) age!

we worked really hard on the bathroom renos and my part was the demolition and tear down of the plaster and lathe ceiling.  a trip to HD and heavy carrying of drywall and other such materials and i was wiped and sound asleep by 10 p.m. that night.

usually i dream that i have a bladder infection – constantly having to go, or trying to go and i can’t.  then, i wake up and realize i’m about to burst and get up.  saturday night however, i was so tired and dreaming so vividly, that before i woke up and realized i had to go, i just went! bahahaha.

oh well. i got that “clean, fresh sheets” feeling when we went to bed last night 🙂

just got a call from the doc’s office.

i have a bladder infection.

hmmm, maybe i’m not too old after all.

boom goes the dynamite

HAMMER TIME!

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it’s that time of life again.  time to bust some shit up!  putting off renos because “i might get pregnant” is one of the worst things i’ve fallen prey to.  as soon as i know i’m in the clear it’s “no baby, go crazy” time!

shannon 1 – bathroom 0

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maybe we should take this opportunity to put in a fireman’s pole. when we’re up in the attic watching t.v. we can just shoot down for a dump.

i’m brilliant. 

 

now please excuse me while i go pick plaster out of my undergarments.

going deep with deepak

this 21 day meditation challenge is making me think about the big picture that i have been politely ignoring for 2 years. i am a bit behind but day 8 could not have come at a better time.

“your heart knows the answer”.

i have been on a path to realizing that my disappointment from unsuccessful pregnancies is amplified by the fact that i am not happy in my career (or lack there of) life.  everytime i lose a pregnancy i lose the chance to easily get out of the position i’m in. i want to make a career change but am too lazy and scared to it.

i have a job that i like.  it’s a wonderful environment with plants and flowers and home decor.  i get to work in different work areas and have a chance to escape to the outdoors from time to time.  i love this but customer service is just lacking in the self satisfaction department BIG TIME.

i like interacting with people and helping them.  i don’t know how fulfilled i am from helping them find that perfect plant that they can “leave in the dark basement and never have to water”.  (ya, this isn’t even a joke people. i got that request ALL THE TIME.  people are just weird). i definitely get nothing out of someone getting mad at me because their plant died and i don’t find it challenging to figure out how to help them – i DO, however, find it challenging to stop my mouth from saying “well my babies died too but you don’t see me yelling at someone it about it do you!?”.

i need out.

i took that “everything happens for a reason” saying and gave it the boot after my first ectopic pregnancy.  i have taken no comfort in it since.  today, i think i’m going to apologize to it and ask if i can have it back.

news of upcoming surgery in the new year had me thinking i better just get back to work then. my time off has no longer has a purpose and i better just get back to the grind. until i saw a posting in the news paper. i know a guy through my brother whoms family founded a chain of province wide child care centres.  i saw a posting in the paper for this centre the other day and messagec him about volunteering.  he connected me with the director of one of the centres just around the corner and i am going in on tuesday for an “interview”.  i would be able to stop in wednesday to friday anytime of the day and everyday after 3 p.m. to help with the kids and “work” in the centre.    from just our brief phone conversation i discovered that i do not have to have a degree in ECE in order to work in these centres as an assistant.  i could start that way and if i wanted go back to school to get a diploma in early childhood education it’s always a possibility.

this is the reason all of this is happening. i know it. i need to work on my personal fulfillment and goals in other aspects of my life right now.  

i had never really done well in school.  in my 20’s i went back to college (not employed in that field now but shit happens) and i finally graduated with honours.  this, i realized, was a goal i needed to reach in order to boost my confidence and fix regrets i had about my past underachieving ways. 

i need to redeem my past mistakes. going back to a career path i had thought strongly about as a teen but was not motivated or confident enough to pursue is how i’m going to do it.

huh, turns out my heart really knows it’s stuff!

 

baby break

baby break

it’s been awhile since i posted a recipe!

i first baked this biscotti a couple of christmas’ ago. i feared biscotti. it was like risotto. too complex to make… or so i thought! turns out, it’s pretty damn easy! just takes some time when it come to the baking process.

so, don’t fear what you don’t know. learn about it and give it a whirl 🙂

i take this recipe another step further to really sweeten it up and make it awesome. i melt white chocolate in the double boiler. i dip one half of the biscotti in the melted chocolate and then roll it in sweetened coconut. BAM!

enojoy 🙂

Good bye infertility

yesterday i posted my news about my appointment and the set back that i am facing with the need for surgery before i can move forward on another IVF cycle.

today i wrote this:

A Letter of Thanks to my Family and Friends

Hi Everyone,

If you are receiving this letter it means that you are part of the awesome group of people that I have in my life.  You have been along for the crazy infertility ride that Chris and I have been on for the past few years and you’ve been there to care about us and support us through it all.

There has been a lot of heart ache and pain my life these past few years and I am facing some more of that heart ache again now.  After looking forward to a new IVF cycle starting this month, it turns out that our hopes of becoming parents is now to be put on hold again for a bit.  It may be only a couple of months, it may be longer…

I have really lost a part of myself to all this infertility stuff.  At first I was very excited at the prospect of being a parent and soldiered on after our losses.  I focused on moving forward, trying again and hoping for the best.

Now I find myself at a loss.  I am at a standstill that I cannot control. 

What I am trying to control now are the other parts of my life.  Infertility is only one part of me but I have let become an obsession.  Unfortunately, like most infertiles, I have lost my balance and made it the ONLY part of my life.

I am writing this to let you know where I am at as all of you are often thinking of us and are hoping the best for us.  For now, I am going to take a break.  I have nothing that I can do to change my situation in terms of becoming pregnant so I need to take a break from that world that we’ve been living in.

As we approach a new year, I want to start it again as me, just Shannon.  The biggest part of accomplishing that is to leave my IFV struggles behind for a bit.  I would like to ask a favour from all of you to help me accomplish this goal and the best way to do this is ask that we don’t talk about it anymore.  I am not upset with anyone!  I just want to put the focus back on to other parts of my life that I am proud of and don’t hurt so much to talk about.  I am working with a counsellor to express and manage my feelings so don’t worry, I am not shutting down.  I have someone great to talk to and I am in good hands J

You have all been there for me in so many ways.  Listening, offering words of condolences or just plain sitting and crying with me.  I appreciate every part of it.  Thank you so much for your understanding. This was a difficult message to write.  I am a bit nervous of how it will be received but please know that it is not coming from a place of anger. It is coming from a place of love and healing.

I can’t wait to see all of you this holiday season!  I am looking forward to catching up with all of you and finding out about all the exciting things going on in your lives.  I guess I better get working on a life so I’ll have some new things to share with all of you! Hahaha

Love, Shammy

i sent it to all of my immediate family and all of my closest friends.

i know i can’t really fully leave it and i’ll be back to face it again in just a few short months, but for now i am leaving infertility for a bit. i have tools from my therapist that i will use when the feelings of loss and sadness creep up but it’s time to get back to me.

i’m tipping the scales back into balance and getting back to infertility being a part of my life, not my whole life.