a bad day

it’s a crazy snow storm and i have a cold.  so, at least we didn’t have to worry about getting to the city for my surgery today. (trying to look on the bright side this morning).

there are definitely some things that are harder to be positive about today.

i saw a post about yet another friend that is about to have a baby.  oh to get married and then get pregnant.  i honestly wonder what that must feel like?  the fairy tale coming true.  now i have 4 friends due at the time i could have been due…  it’s going to be a painful day on march 17th this year and i am already getting myself prepared for the facebook photo bombarding i’ll be faced with on top of it.

 

another thing i have to get in the mindset for… my niece’s baptism in a couple of weeks.  i was asked by my other sister-in-law to make sugar cookies in the shape of crosses and decorated in light pink and light blue with white accents.  i love making these cookies and being creative with my decorating but this is going to be a hard one to get motivated about.  my sister-in-law’s only worry was that i may not be physically up for the task as it was going to be just a few days after my surgery.  i wonder if she thought about how it would be emotionally hard for me?  i wonder if that idea has crossed her mind now that she knows the news that my surgery was cancelled and my hopes of IVF are pushed back even further?

i really wonder if people think about these things? let’s keep asking shannon for help with things that she can’t have. lets get her to take photos of our kids. lets get her to make cookies to celebrate the birth of a child. i think they must not think about it.  if they did they may know better than to ask… i mean, i’d hope that people that thought about how they were hurting me would chose not to hurt me.

i’m just down.  i need to ride it out today and hope that tomorrow will be happier.

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address to haggis

Fair fa’ your honest, sonsie face, 
Great chieftain o’ the pudding-race! 
Aboon them a’ yet tak your place, 
Painch, tripe, or thairm: 
Weel are ye wordy o’a grace 
As lang’s my arm. 

The groaning trencher there ye fill, 
Your hurdies like a distant hill, 
Your pin was help to mend a mill 
In time o’need, 
While thro’ your pores the dews distil 
Like amber bead. 

His knife see rustic Labour dight, 
An’ cut you up wi’ ready sleight, 
Trenching your gushing entrails bright, 
Like ony ditch; 
And then, O what a glorious sight, 
Warm-reekin’, rich! 

Then, horn for horn, they stretch an’ strive: 
Deil tak the hindmost! on they drive, 
Till a’ their weel-swall’d kytes belyve 
Are bent like drums; 
Then auld Guidman, maist like to rive, 
Bethankit! hums. 

Is there that owre his French ragout 
Or olio that wad staw a sow, 
Or fricassee wad make her spew 
Wi’ perfect sconner, 
Looks down wi’ sneering, scornfu’ view 
On sic a dinner? 

Poor devil! see him owre his trash, 
As feckles as wither’d rash, 
His spindle shank, a guid whip-lash; 
His nieve a nit; 
Thro’ blody flood or field to dash, 
O how unfit! 

But mark the Rustic, haggis-fed, 
The trembling earth resounds his tread. 
Clap in his walie nieve a blade, 
He’ll mak it whissle; 
An’ legs an’ arms, an’ hands will sned, 
Like taps o’ trissle. 

Ye Pow’rs, wha mak mankind your care, 
And dish them out their bill o’ fare, 
Auld Scotland wants nae skinking ware 
That jaups in luggies; 
But, if ye wish her gratefu’ prayer 
Gie her a haggis!

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strong for far too long

 

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i feel like i have been “bragging” on here recently and i apologize.

but i honestly truly thought i was doing really great.

i have learned since my phone call about my cancelled surgery that i’d just put a band aid on a wound.  once it was ripped off last week it revealed a festering, oozing sore that is far from being healed.

ever since the call about the cancellation i’ve been crying everyday.  

i had an appointment today with my family dr. about a dermatologist referral (which i’ve had to book and cancel 3 times since september because of unexpected infertility procedures).  

i haven’t gotten up before 10 a.m. in like 3 months so this morning when my alarm went off at 8 a.m. my eyes burned and my body felt weak but i got up, got dressed, put on my face and was at my appointment at 9:10.  at 9:25 (10 minutes after my scheduled appointment time) the receptionist called me to the desk and told me my appointment time didn’t exist.  um what?! the dr. wasn’t even in that day until 10:30 a.m. and i shouldn’t have been given that appointment time.  “how is that possible”, (what i said aloud). “well you booked this appointment for me so what are you going to do about it you stupid bitch”, (what i said in my head).  

she tried to continue with the “there’s nothing i can do card” and book the appointment for 2 weeks from now and i just lost it.  i didn’t raise my voice or yell at her but i made it very clear i was not leaving and she would have to figure out how to rectify her mistake.

of course the universe always finds a way to rub salt in our infertility wounds and my dr’s office is now also home to the local midwives.  

i sat in the waiting room for almost 2 hours. so that means it was almost 2 hours of watching women waddle in with swollen bellies and walk about with their newborn babies.  at 11 a.m. i finally asked the receptionist if the dr. was in yet and she, “ya, she just got here” (mind you it was 11 a.m. and she had told me previously that the dr. would be in at 10:30 a.m.) and that was it.  i stood looking at her and clearly not getting anything more, i sat back down.  i waited until 11:15 a.m. on the verge of tears i finally got up and asked her what the dr. had decided on and she told me that she would fit me in once she’d seen all her other patients.  she told me that i had booked and cancelled so many appointments that i would have to just wait and see what she could do.

i still didn’t yell but something totally snapped inside me.  fighting back tears and shaking like a leaf, i told the receptionist, “i would have loved to be here for my previous appointment times but unfortunately the first time i was suffering the agony of finding out my pregnancy wasn’t viable, then the second time i was having a d/c in an abortion clinic and the third time i was having a needle stuck through the side of my vagina.  i didn’t cancel these appointments because i’m flighty or trying to make your job harder.  i have had several major setbacks recently and i need my dr’s help. i have to see her today”.

10 minutes later i was sitting in a room waiting for the dr. 

why did i have to plead my case in front of an entire room of strangers?  

why did i have to fight for myself in my weakest moment?  

i wasn’t trying to win her power struggle. i just needed some god damn help!

luckily my dr. is very understanding. she apologized for the receptionists behaviour and apologized for all the shitty things that are happening to me in general.  

i finally admitted that i have reached my rock bottom and i got a prescription for antidepressants. 

i know that there is nothing wrong with this and i know i need them in my life right now but i really thought i could i do this on my own. 

wasn’t expecting that one

my surgery has been cancelled.

they no longer have any o.r. staff available for that day.  um okay…?

sooooo instead of having my pre-op physical on the 17th, my hospital pre-op on the 22nd, my surgery on the 27th, a follow-up on march 4th and IVF cycle two starting mid-march, my surgery date is now march 4th and i’m thinking an IVF cycle won’t start until late april, at best!

i thought i’d be okay but i got off the phone and balled my eyes out.

FUCK THIS SHIT!

this is why i’ve been feeling uneasy going back into IVF and dealing with my infertility.  nothing goes right and it all seems to turn to shit along the way.

 

not quite sure what the fuss is about…

not quite sure what the fuss is about...

i bet this is the shittiest “review” you’ll ever read! actually, i guarantee it!

i’ll admit, I’ve never been a very deep thinker… no, i take that back, that’s not true. i’ve never been a very deep reader.

i have never “reviewed” anything before and i actually find it quite challenging to put my thoughts into words when discussing my views on certain things. i am not writing this because i believe i have some great opinion to be shared. i am writing because my theme for this year is “try”.

the curious incident of the dog in the night-time is on a list of “32 books that will actually change your life” – http://www.buzzfeed.com/erinlarosa/books-that-will-actually-change-your-life.

i decided that this year i was going to set the goal of reading more. from this list i have already read “the giver” and “life of pi”. after several claims that “this book will absolutely change your life!” from friends, i decided that I’d start with it.

this book is about a boy that has autism (perhaps). he is uncomfortable in social situations and can become very overwhelmed by the world around him. the incredible thing about him though, is that he has a simple yet deep understanding of the world. he is most knowledgeable in maths and science and demonstrates both throughout the novel.

my girlfriend said she balled her eyes out at the of the book. i did not.

it was interesting to enter the mind of someone with autism. to understand better how their world works, what they think and how they feel. it was also interesting to see how much i do not know! i can not do math to save my life. half the scientific explanations he went through were completely over my head!

i have never been one to judge or think less of those that are labelled “special”. so i don’t think I’ve learned to be more compassionate towards others from this book. i think i can take away the idea that there is so much to know and so many ways to see life and navigate through it and no one way is better than another.

i have come away the idea that sometimes to be “normal” is almost a disability. we think we’re not good enough or that we’ll be judged or that we’ll fail and so we go about life never trying.

sorry, this was pointless! hahaha

have you read this book? i have i completely missed the mark? what did you take away?

should they stay or should they go?

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i don’t know exactly what it is but i just can’t seem to let go of my pictures of positive pregnancy tests.

i have been cleaning up the house and that includes my computer as well.  i’ve transferred all my albums to the external hard drive.  (i immediately regretted doing this as i find myself pulling it out of the cupboard constantly to post a pic on FB or the blog…)

the only things left is my dropbox account that is filled with nonsense pictures and contained in this account are my the pics of my PPTs.

obviously i’m holding on to them for a reason.  the biggest reason being that i am terrified that i’ll never see this sight again.  i want to have some proof that at one time this actually happened.  it seems a little creepy though.  it’s over, it’s done, it’s time to move forward. just click “delete” and move on.

it should be that easy right?!

well before i move forward with this, first i better just go clean the deep freezer and the cellar and the attic and fridge and the lint trap and under the sink and…

thank goodness for support staff

my doctor’s assistant is A-MAZING

she is always cheerful and lovely.  she makes me feel the most important patient my doctor has and she helps me out A LOT!!!

she was able to book me a surgery appointment faster than anyone thought possible.  i could have been waiting for months and she got a time for me less than two months later.

she was able to get my prescriptions filled in advance of my surgery and my next IVF cycle so i could claim them before my benefits run out at the middle of this month.

she is awesome and i am very lucky to have someone like her in my corner, keeping an eye out for me.

TRY

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this is my theme for the year.

i am going to try new things and try to do more of the old things i once loved.

i always think “there isn’t enough time” or “i won’t be good it anymore” or “why even bother” or “what if it’s a waste of time, money, etc, etc”…

to never try, is to never know and i plan on doing more finding out this year!

~ i want to try to make more boy items for my etsy shop starting with custom initials

~ i want to try and do more of the outdoor winter sports i used to love so much – downhill skiing, snowshoeing, cross country skiing, skating

~ i want to change my career (THIS IS THE BIG ONE FOLKS) i want to try making going back to school a possibility

~ i want to try and get good a indian cuisine

~ i want to try and master the art of bread making

~ i want to try and learn how to use a sewing machine

~ i want to try and read 10 books this year (probably more, but i think 10 is pretty reasonable to commit to). My first book will be “the strange incident of the dog in the night” as i have SOOOO many recommendations i just kinda feel like an idiot since i haven’t read it yet

~ i want to try and attend 5 gift shows or farmer’s market events this year with my Gosh Yarn It! items https://www.etsy.com/shop/GoshYarnItWreaths

~ and of course, last but not least, the reason i am here in the first place – i want to continue to try and have a baby. as much as that idea is overwhelming me and causing anxiety lately, i do truly want to try IVF again and try to have the baby my husband and i have been fighting for.

who am i and why am i here?

after seeing a post by The Novice Gardener about the Zero to Hero challenge going on right now, i thought i’d check it out.

the christmas season is over, my etsy shop is slowing down and my road to IVF and baby is closed until further notice so,  this will be a good daily exercise for my frigid winter days.

so, day 1 – who am i and why am i here?

i am a 31 year woman that never imagined i’d be in the situation i’m in.  i never thought i would struggle with infertility.  

i started this blog as a personal journal.  a way to document my life and my first IVF cycle.  after realizing that i would in fact have to do IVF i wanted to remember all my appointments, how i felt, what medications i was taking…  i had been through a lot, had surgeries and lost babies and i wanted to remember it.

it started as a totally personal/private blog until i discovered “tags”.  once i put some tags on my posting it was then “open to the public”.  to my surprise, some people liked my posting and thank god they did.  i’ve gotten a lot support and perspective on this whole infertility thing through the other bloggers going through it too.

now my blog is open to everyone and i am not struggling so much (at the moment) with infertility.  i have shifted my original focus almost completely.  i now use this blog to write about pretty much anything.  it is still documenting my life as an infertile but it is also documenting my life in general.  i like to bake and cook.  i like to refinish furniture. i like photography and funny pics and videos from the internet.  i have an etsy shop – https://www.etsy.com/shop/GoshYarnItWreaths –  which i will from time to time post about (hey, if you don’t support yourself, no else one will 🙂 )

when i started this blog it was all about infertility and my struggle to have a baby. that’s it.  as i’ve gone through these last few months i’ve realized that my life is not just about my struggle and now this blog reflects that.