this is my life.  sometimes i feel like if it can go wrong it will go wrong. i always thought it was just me but as i have learned by reading other infertiles blogs this year, i am not alone!

i am writing these “complaining” posts because maybe my struggle will help others also realize they aren’t alone in this messed up (well more like seriously fucked up) world of infertility and the process of doctors appointments and procedures.

i sat by the phone staring at it waiting for it to ring at 2:30 p.m. this is the time my over the phone consultation was to take place because my dr. couldn’t get an appointment time with the surgery clinic on the same day as my appointment with her (which was yesterday).  the assistant assured me a phone consultation would be fine and my time was all booked and everything was set up and ready to go.

at 2:50 p.m. i was still staring at the phone….

i read the pamphlet that said they are only open from 8 a.m. until 2:30 p.m.


i called the number anyway.

i got a message giving me several different phone numbers depending on the situation i was in. i chose the one that i thought best suited me.  i called.  wrong place. here’s another number.  i call the new number.  wrong place. here’s another number.  third time’s a charm?!  yes. it was.

i was told however that i had been booked for an in person appointment that i was no 30 minutes late for.

HOLD UP!  don’t you be givin’ me no sass lady!

“please hold and i’ll see if any is around that can help you”.

oh, thanks so much.

a nurse came on the phone and we started the assessment. yes, no, yes, no. 5’4.  weight… do i have actually have to say it out loud?! fine…

everything was going smoothly until she said, “obviously you don’t need blood work or they’d have made you come in”.  “um, actually, they did say i needed blood work yesterday but they didn’t give me a requisition”.

then i proceeded to get a mini lecture on how could it be possible for me to do that if i’m not there in person?  your doctor should know this, doesn’t she know this?  i don’t know why they do this. you need to explain to your doctor….

WHOA!  come on lady.

i told her i’d get in touch with my doctor’s assistant and figure it out.

after emailing my doctor’s assistant i get a phone message and an email.  “i’m so sorry… they are very unprofessional… they knew it was a phone consult… blah, blah blah.”  i don’t really care to play a ‘blame game”.  just give me some direction and i’ll scramble to get it done.

so a couple of messages and an email attachment later i am to get blood work done STAT!


(see, i’m not kidding hahaha)

it’s a good thing i’ve been through surgery twice before  and am used to shit like this happening to me or i’d really be freaking out right now! (i’m still kind of freaking out a little. not because of the ugent test i need to get done but the idea that something could derail this surgery – again! – is still an anxiety inducing situation).

on that note, it shouldn’t be a patient’s stress or concern to be dealing with things like this 5 days before surgery.  i would be in such a horrible state of worry if i hadn’t already been through this kind of thing and that’s just not fair.  i am extremely lucky that i am not working at the moment but  imagine if i was and imagine if this was my first surgery.  what if i was getting scolded by a surgery clinic nurse, then put in the middle of a cat fight with a doctor’s assistant and a surgery clinic nurse, then scrambling to get blood work done while having to get time off from work to have the test done… already stressful situations do not need to be made more stressful like this.

things like this make me sad for others that are going through this same thing and aren’t as experienced as i am.

what’s with all the appointments…!? part II

fuck i waste so much of my time on this infertility stuff!

so as i posted a couple of days ago, i had my pre-op appointment with my family dr. last week

i also had to have a pre-op appointment with my fertility dr. so i went down to the city yesterday and it was the biggest waste of time.  i don’t usually ever get  annoyed with trips down the the city because it means things are happening on the infertility front but this time was just ridiculous!

the parking garage under the clinic was PACKED. people were parking in corners and driving areas it was so packed (and they were obviously so desperate).  i found a parking garage a block or so away.  at the clinic underground parking you can park all day for $12. appointments only run a few hours but we just do the $12 so we don’t have to worry and you pay $10 for 2 hours anyway so it really just makes more sense to just pay the max.

this parking garage, however, had me paying $14 for an hour and half.  fucking flat out robbery is what that shit is!  i’m going to actually keep track of the parking costs this time around.  i bet i’ll be shocked by the amount in the end!

i get to my appointment early so my doctor’s assistant brings me back to fill out some paperwork.  it’s the same paperwork i had my family dr. fill out the week before… i was a bit confused but filled out a little of it anyway just because i had nothing better to do and the assistant was nowhere to be found to question it.  also included in the paperwork was a cost break down.  at first my breath caught in my throat.  $3,750 – $2, 550… then i realized this is not for me and OHIP will be covering this surgery.  mini heart attack over.

my dr. comes rushing down the hall with a trainee and she’s clearly frazzled.

she grabs a chart and starts whispering.  she’s trying to go through some things with the trainee and her assistant.  seeing this, i already know i will not be getting her full attention during this appointment.

she grabs another chart and says, “okay melissa, let’s go”.  i look at her and she quickly says, “i mean shannon!  where did that come from?!?”  i told her my middle name is melissa and she says she quickly glanced and just said the first name she saw.

we get into the consultation room and she’s going over some info… she takes my paperwork from my family dr., doesn’t even look at it  and stuffs it in the back of my binder.  then she’s talking about the procedure and asking me if i have questions and if i understand what will be happening and if i’ve had surgery before?  


i replied, “well yes, i’ve had two ectopic pregnancies and have no fallopian tubes”.


she looks at the chart, puts her face in her hands and says, “oh yes, shannon! now i remember, you have the cyst i decided was troublesome.  okay, now i know who you are and what we’re doing here”.

WOW. lucky me.

so she reminds me that i may lose my whole left ovary but this is not her plan and she’ll do her best to not let that happen.  although she’s clearly exhausted and frazzled and i can’t help but think she’ll get inside me and just say, “fuck it” and take it out to make her life easier and the surgery faster.  i’m honestly really worried about this now…

so i drove down to the city, got robbed in the underground parking lot and my dr. forgot who i was, only for the outcome to be – don’t eat or drink anything after midnight on monday and the surgery clinic will call you with a time for your surgery tomorrow.

sooooo i could have just scanned and faxed in my pre-op paperwork and been done. yep?! great. 

everyone needs a chunk of the money pie i guess.

so now i have to wait around until 2:30 p.m. today to get a call from the surgery clinic about my surgery time.

the only maybe good news i got out this appointment is that we may not have to wait over a month to start stimulation for our second IVF after all.  my dr. had said we had to wait a month or so after the surgery before we can start stims for IVF.  this time i asked again about when we could start and she said we only have to wait 10-14 days after surgery.  the only thing i don’t trust about this statement is that she said “you still have frozen embryos” and i said “yes, but we’re starting a fresh retrieval cycle” and she just responded, “yes, yes, that’s right”.

so we may be able to start a stim cycle in march, or we not.  

glad we got that sorted out hahahah

5 more days…. 

BFP Goddess

this posting reminded me of when we first started trying.

i posted the indiana jones fertility idol as our desktop image hahah



hilarious for big movie nerds such as my husband and i!

i think this could turn into a “good luck post”.  i’ve reblogged the original post from Infertility, why me?

add in your own fertility goddess or inspirational quote and pass it along to a infertile friend.

BFP vibes to everyone longing for theirs.  we’re in this together and we WILL get ours!

Infertility, why me?


I’ve been hearing and reading about fertility statues for some time now. They’re said to bring fertility juju to those who have them. They’re typically gifted to people, so I kind of figured it would be taboo to buy my own. After talking to an Instagram Infertility Sister she suggested that I DO buy my own, and after I get my BFP to pass it along to another infertility sister. They all have to get their start somewhere right?!? So I ordered a fertility statue today, should be here in a few days.

Hoping this statue brings many many BFP’s in its future!! Can’t wait to be able to pass this along, but until I do I’ll display it in our bedroom and touch it daily.

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had my pre-op appointment this morning.

i’m shorter than i thought i am and fatter than i thought i was.  then i came home and ate 3 pieces of pizza! BAHAHA

everything was good and it was fast because i have a pretty basic medical history (in terms of non infertility issues).

so the count down is on.

i am having the most crazy amount of anxiety i’ve ever had. i feel like i just want to cocoon.  i am paranoid to the max that i’ll get a call with bad news again.

i am so conflicted in my emotions, what i want to do and am doing.

i feel like i need it to be march 4th now. i feel like i always need my husband around and i can’t live without him. i feel lonely. i feel bored. i feel like i too much to do. i feel like i have nothing to do. i feel like i just want to get back to work but then feel like i can’t leave the house.

this week i really feel like i’m losing it a bit…

family day

family day

last year on this day i was preparing for surgery for my second ectopic pregnancy, which meant my only remaining fallopian tube would be removed and i would no longer have the chance to ever have children naturally.

this day will forever be bittersweet (even when we do eventually have children).

you never forget your losses.

our chance at a family ended one year ago today but we have a whole new year to try again.

we miss you and loved you for the brief time you were ours.
never in our arms, forever in our hearts. mommy and daddy will always love you.


heart attack in a phone call

i just got a call from my doctor’s assistant going over some of the details for my surgery on march 4th.

she was wondering why i hadn’t signed any consent forms.  i had no idea why?! i have always signed papers while being wheeled to the operating room so i don’t know how all this “set up” surgery stuff works.

i told her i would get in the car now and drive to sign them if i had to!  she responded with, “but don’t live like two hours away!?”  my response, “i don’t care how far, i am not going to lose another surgery date for ANYTHING!”. 

we decided that the paperwork could be scanned to me. i could sign them and then scan them back.

i told her i have had such bad anxiety worrying about whether i would get a call about another cancelled surgery. i told her i didn’t know what i would do if that happened… she totally understood but didn’t make me feel any better with her response of “i know it’s awful, but we have absolutely no control over this hospital, so you never know…”.  

so i am excited that my surgery date is drawing nearer but this conversation has done NOTHING to help calm my worries about another cancellation.

deep breath…. where’s  my prozac!


it was another busy weekend!

no physical activity but lots of visits, running around and dealing with anxiety.

my girlfriends came over in the afternoon on saturday but my morning was filled with running around trying to get sugar cookies made for my niece’s baptism on sunday.

i got ready to make the cookies and realized i didn’t have enough butter.  so off to the store i go.  i get home, make the dough and then have to let it sit.  i’m going through my icing supplies and FUCK no meringue powder for the royal icing.  this was my breaking point!  after two weeks of driving all over hell’s half acre trying to find the damn cross shaped cookie cutter for these cookies, going out for the butter, getting ready to entertain 4 girlfriends for the night i was just at my wits end. i called my hubby down to the kitchen and told him my dilemma.  thank goodness for a very understanding hubby, he got in the car to go get me the powder.  i stayed home and got the cookies baking.  yada, yada, yada  got all the cookies made, had all the ingredient for the royal icing, decorated the cookies (which took  FOREVER!) and after that i was DONE!

oh and i forgot to mention, my girlfriend and her 6 month old baby girl sat on my kitchen floor while i did all this…. thank goodness for a very understanding girlfriend!!


just as my other 3 girlfriends arrived i was all tidied up and ready for a serious girl’s night.

the night was lovely.  5 years ago my girlfriend became a police officer.  i bought a bottle of wine and said she had to save it and we’d celebrate her 5 years of service with that bottle.  this year is year 5 and to all our surprise…it aged perfectly!  the best part, i didn’t know but she bought a new bottle of red wine and passed the tradition on to our girlfriend that had a baby this year. so now, in 5 years, we’ll get together to enjoy that bottle and see who gets the next one.  i love when an unexpected tradition begins xox.

we ate, we drank, we went in the hot tub, we played cards against humanity.  it was a great night.

sunday morning i was dead.  i was so relaxed from the hot tub session i felt like i had no strength in my joints. it’s a great feeling but also an awful feeling hahaha.  we had to leave around 11:30 for our niece’s baptism so i showered, got dressed and was all set to go. it was pretty funny sitting with my friends still in the pj with full on bedhead while i was in a dress, blazer, hair done and make-uped up hahaha

again, thank goodness for an amazing husband.  he was in the kitchen making a huge breakfast spread.  time went by too fast though and by the time is was done, we had to get out the door! i made him a quick breakfast sandwich and we bolted.  leaving the clean up for my friends… hahaha, well it’s the least they could do 😉

the baptism was very nice and thankfully pretty fast. there were 5 babies.  i always think i may dread these situations but once i’m in it i do pretty well. i busied myself with chatting with friends and family and during the ceremony i took pictures.  afterwards was a very nice time at my brother and sister-in-law’s. i was able to really catch up with some friends and enjoy all the yummy food that goes along with such gatherings.  the cookies were a huge hit, which made me very happy. although it’s a lot of work and emotionally trying to do, i am happy i was able to contribute to the celebration.

mid way through the visit i started to get a little tired of everyone staring at the baby and commenting on how wonderful she is and how cute and how well behaved and happy.  ya, ya, she’s great… we get it.  i always seem to have a bit of “down time” at some point in these visits.  you are never far away from your infertility thoughts.  but you know what, she is a great baby. so sweet and good tempered.  i took her off to a room on my own and got a great shot of her for her thank you cards.


as we were heading out the door my brother in law told us a story of a huge blow up he’d had with his brother and brother’s wife just a few days before.  they each have kids that are about 2 1/2.  they have grown up together and are always interacting.  apparently for a while now their boy has been very rough with my niece and is constantly stealing toys and hitting her.  i guess my bro in law had had enough and commented on the issues.  then the WILD confrontation ensued. he mentioned that they weren’t disciplining their son properly and he is an ill behaved child (i will vouch, he’s pretty wild and demanding).  i guess tempers flared and the end result was their pregnant sister in law actually coming at them first flailing!  OMG.

i always think i’m missing out because our siblings all have kids.  all of the cousin’s are always together and they seem to have a bond that is really special. i have often felt sad that our kids won’t have the same bond and that we don’t get to connect with my brother and my sister and brother in law.

after this story, i am really realizing that the grass isn’t always greener and distance really does make the heart grow fonder!  at least my husband and i can always look back on events and have fond, happy, tension free memories.