oh brother

my brother and his wife are officially living in Ontario.

i was in the city friday night for my monthly “Society of Beer Drinking Ladies” event and knew they were moving in to their new place on saturday.  i knew if i called and asked if i could come over or if i could and help my brother would say no.  he is a worrier and a planner.  so he would have had an idea of exactly how the day was going to go (this would have been planned in his mind weeks in advance). so me calling and asking to come over would have thrown off his plans and he would have made up excuses and been negative about me stopping in. so i didn’t call and just showed up unannounced.

it was a good thing i trusted my instincts (and my heart screaming at me that i had to go see my nieces) because they were all near the end of their ropes and i ended up actually being a bit of a life saver at that moment.

i took the girls and played in another room while they got both of their cribs put together and their rooms organized. i helped them get their bedroom in order and while they fed the girls i went out and got dinner and wine.

when the girls were bathed and put to bed we sat and ate and my brother expressed his gratitude for my help.  it was a really nice feeling to have him acknowledge that my presence was helpful.

my brother has been living outside of the province for a long time. he has learned to just do things his way and thinks more people make more problems.  in some cases this is true but i think my presence yesterday may be a start to him realizing that family is a thing that is there to love, support and help you.  it’s not a hindrance or an annoyance.

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i guess i’ll take that for an answer

i’m cheating.

i started a job that requires me to get up at the butt crack of dawn. it’s so early that the image on the back of my alarm clock is still night!

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after my lovely stint at the hospital on sunday night/monday morning my lack of sleep is finally catching up with me.  i’m tired but i still want to post so i’m cheating today.  cut and paste, you my best friend.

this is from the mass text sent to a few girlfriends that have been following my painful, confusing recovery:

“sooooo nothing got “fixed” today but i got real reassurance about the pain situation i’m in. i don’t know if i told you but i the cyst they removed was a dermoid cyst (can have skin, hair, teeth etc.. in other words they’re REALLY FUCKING GROSS!) anyway i had one in my left ovary that made the ovary 3-4 times bigger than my uterus… ummmm WTF? so that kind of cyst is filled with really nasty stuff and it can’t be helped but to rupture it when they are removing it. that shit in turns goes into your cavity. they wash you out after the surgery and try and suck up all the liquid but obviously they can’t get all of it out. so because i don’t have a blood clot in my lung and my diaphragm wasn’t touched during surgery (not damaged) she thinks my insides are just severely irritated and need a few more weeks to calm down. (the gas they use turns acidic when it’s trapped in your body too so that a contributing factor as well). i am supposed to take aleve for inflammation and wait it out. bonus of all this is i bypassed an additional appointment set for april and got all of our new IVF stuff today. so once aunt flo makes it to town it’s go time!”

so there it is. i was going to say “in a nutshell” but clearly it’s in a very long ass text message.

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chris and i both have to re-do our bloodwork.  no prob. we also have to re-do all of our consent forms. that one is a little bit annoying but we’ll find someone on the street to be our witness again (hehe, our friend used the top of a newspaper sales box to sign all our papers in the middle of a busy downtown Toronto street last time).  very official. 

my cycle was only 27 days long after the surgery ao i am not sure what this cycle will do.  it could be short and i could be calling in my day one on april 9th.  it could be normal and i could be calling it in on april 17. or it could be totally unpredictable and who the hell knows when i’ll be calling.

my biggest concern is calling in for mornings off at work.  starting a new job in child care is not really ideal for this whole thing. i have to be at work for 6:30 a.m. and then am done at 9 a.m.  the drive to my doctor’s office can be over 2 hours depending on the time so morning appointments are going to be tricky.  i wonder if i would be able to get my monitoring done at the end of the morning?  if i leave after work at 9 i can be down at the clinic for 10:30 a.m.  definitely things i’ll have to get sorted beforehand.  i wonder if they ever give doctor’s notes for this?  i don’t want my new to know that i’m doing IVF but if it’s a documented medical requirement they wouldn’t be able to tell me no.  has anyone out there had a similar experience?  

well so much for cheating and getting this done quick.

need sleepy. 

night!

 

no blood clots, still no answers

ended up at the E.R again last night.

i had this really weird feeling right before bed that if i went to sleep, i may not wake up in the morning.  

seriously weird but i have had weird feelings like this in the past and my fears have turned out to be justified.

i do not have the energy or the desire to get into all the detail about it at all right now but i can say i had a young dr. that basically said “i don’t know what could be causing your pain, so, what do you want me to do about?”  

NO JOKE this what this ass clown said to me.

i finally got fed up and i told him “to think outside the box”.  they thought i was constipated a week ago, clearly that’s not the case but if it’s not totally clear, do i take the liquid laxative that they give to people having a colonoscopy?! clear EVERYTHING out and then we know for sure?

then on to the next.  what causes lung pain?  pneumonia?  water?  infection?  blood clots?  

he agreed to do a blood test to look for a chance at blood clots in the lungs.

my results came back high.  high enough to warrant a c.t scan of my lungs.

next thing i know i’m having iodine put in my veins.  have you ever had that shit injected into you!?  it’s fucking nuts! you get a ridiculously awful taste in our mouth and then an instantly HOT feeling all over your body.  the weirdest “hot spot” is in your crotch. hahaha you feel like your junk is on fire and you’re pissing yourself.  i’ll be happy to never have that happen to me again, ever in my life.

after that i went back to my room, head throbbing, i begged the nurse for water and tylenol.  she couldn’t find the dr. so i had to lie there in so much pain.  i just couldn’t stop crying. i was thinking “this is it”. i have a blood clot in my lung and now my dream of a family is over for a better part of a year.  a clot like that is serious business.

thank god i did not have a blood clot but i also still had no answers.

i was left with “there is nothing else i can do for you. go see your surgeon” from the dr. and that was it.

at that point i actually had to go in the hall and ask if someone was going to take out my IV.

then i sat in my room at 4:45 a.m. listening to the nurses talk.  i came back out in the hall at 4:55 a.m. and gave a serious WTF fuck look and one of them says “oh, i guess i better take that IV out”.  

i am so pissed off writing this i am just going to leave it at that.

i got home to bed at 5:30 a.m.  then i was up at 7:30 a.m. when my husband (who stayed home to get a good sleep) woke me up to ask me what happened. i fell back asleep until 9:15 a.m and then had to go do my paperwork and info session for my new job at 10 a.m.

when i got to my info session i met with my boss who was flustered because everyone is sick at my new day care.  so always wanting to please and help out i just blurted out… “i can work today!”  am i nuts!?! LOL

luckily i got home for another 2 hour nap and was at my new position at 3 p.m.

at least i got to turn a new leaf today.  since october i have buried my head in the sand and turned my back on the real world.

today i flipped the switch and got back to the person i usually am and i jumped in feet first.

 

 

do i hate my dad?

this is a feeling i have struggled with for a very long time.

i’ll spare you all the details but my dad is a highly functioning alcoholic and has undiagnosed mental illness.

by my early 20’s i was full of self hatred because my father treated me like i was worthless.

this affected my relationships and finally i had a breakthrough.  i decided to love myself more than i hated my dad.

things took a great turn for the better. i just accepted him for what he was.  i refused to let him define me.

things have been really good for the past several years.  my dad bonded with my husband and things looked good. my dad would actually hug me and talk to me and i took this as the best it would ever get.

then a couple of months ago i went to my parent’s home alone.  

my dad seized this opportunity show his true colours once again and he attacked my (verbally and emotionally) while there was no one there to protect me (my husband).

i thought to myself.  fuck him.  i’m done.  i gave him his last chance years ago and he proved that old habits die hard and a tiger can’t change it’s stripes.

i have felt miserable ever since that day. i think about his hatefulness towards me everyday. i cry myself to sleep trying to understand what is wrong with me.  i feel like i am 8 years old again.

i weep for my mother.  her life has been lost to this man.  she gave up and accepted this life a long time ago.  i longed help free her from him since i was little. i used to beg her to leave him.  she never did.

now all of this is affecting my relationship once again.  

i am so sad inside.  i find myself looking towards my husband to make it all better and that is just not fair.  he has never witnessed my dad’s behaviour and doesn’t truly understand.

i am making unreasonable demands of him lately because i need him to fill the void.  he is the only man in my life that loves me and because i’ve grown up not knowing if my dad loves me i am now looking to my husband to show me an immense amount of attention.

i need him to tell me that i am his world. i need him to constantly tell me he loves me and i am special.  i need constant touch and attention.  i want to be the center of his attention all the time.

that is a lot to lay on someone.  i know he his my husband but it’s not fair to put that kind of pressure on him.

i had a notebook in high school. it was a drawing book for my OAC art class. we had to sketch and submit it to our teacher once a week.  one day i was so pissed at my dad i painted a picture of a crying eye.  i slashed streaks of red, blue and black paint all over it and wrote in black words like “ache”, “hate”, “why?”, “die”, “numb”.  i wrote a note and taped it to the bottom corner.

i did that when i was 17 and i had no idea what i wrote.  i knew it was about my dad and i was sad but i had totally forgotten what that note contained.

tonight i was so mad at my dad i ran to the cellar and pulled out all the christmas boxes to get to my one container of saved high school and college items.  i dug to the bottom and pulled out the notebook.  i found the page and tore off the note.

my husband came down and stood quietly beside me.

this is what i read aloud on that note:

“a hug and a kiss are common for most but not from the man that was raised on the coast.

how is school going? 

how was your day?

these are the things i wish he would say.

if i were a boy would this all end? would he love me more and be my friend?

i pray for sons when i am wed. to have a daughter is what i dread.

no one should feel so mad, full of heartache and always sad.

and for giving me this

i hate my dad.” 

everythings comin’ up shannon!

a new fish and a new job all in the same day? EXCITING!!!

i went to book my dog a grooming appointment at a local pet store and before i knew it was buying a betta fish and all the accoutrement that goes with it.

talk about an impulse buy! oh well, it’s a zero consequence pet choice and he’s making me really happy 🙂

my niece is 5 and has a betta fish of her own. it’s her second fish because “god had to take my other fish, sparkle, to heaven to swim in a bigger bowl”.  sure, sounds reasonable.  so anyway, i sent a photo to my sister in law and asked her to ask my niece to name him. my SIL warned me that his name would probably end up being ‘prince sparkle unicorn” (which i was secretly hoping for!) hahaha

ayla got home from school and this is the message i just got back,

So I thought Ayla would have a very outrageous name and this is what I got:

Me “Ayla, auntie shannon got a new boy fish and needs a good name, what do you think?”

Ayla “Nick!” 

Me “nick?” with a questioning look

Ayla “what?! Nick is a good name!”

it’s true.  nick IS a good name.

so without further ado, wordpress peeps meet nick, nick meet wordpress peeps.

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(what a grumpy face. LOL)

the second exciting thing that happened today is i got a new job!

it was on my list of new year goals of “trying” new things.  i think it was more of a goal for trying to go back to school for a career change but it turned out that i didn’t need any additional education (BONUS!).

i’ve been volunteering since january 7th and on my 3rd day (no joke) i was asked by the supervisor to hand in a resume.

a month after submitting i was called for an interview last Friday.

today i was offered a split shift, assistant position in a child care centre just down the road.  i’ll work monday to friday, 6:30-9 a.m. and 3-6 p.m.  i won’t work holidays or weekends and after a 3 month probationary period i will have benefits.

this is the HUGE career win my husband and i needed right now for me.  the pay is completely on track with my last job but the hours are reduced somewhat.  we talked about this and decided that me not having to work weekends was bonus enough that it didn’t matter what my overall take home ended up being.

i am very lucky to have a supportive husband.  although i know i have gripped about him the past (my most recent post-surgery rant), i really do have an incredibly supportive husband.  he’s my biggest fan and helps me reach my goals.

so, i start next wednesday.  aaahhhh!  i’m so excited but so nervous.

🙂