the dreaded 6-8 ww

and you thought the 2 ww was bad, try the 6-8 ww  haha

i started my period and was questioning why i had to wait two cycles for a FET.  i decided to write my dr. and ask.

i heard from another dr. today and although the answer makes sense, i still don’t like it.  i simply have to wait to make sure all the OHSS nonsense has passed.  apparently if i had kept taking my progesterone i could staved off a period for longer and then we could have tried sooner but on the bright side i don’t have to stick that stuff up me twice a day for any longer than necessary, i’m saving money on medication and i don’t have to deal with the “mess” it creates down below.

i also got to voice my concerns about my lack of eggs despite all my follicles and added medication to this cycle and i got their typical answer of “we don’t why either… it’s just something that happens…it’s unexplainable…”  sigh.  this response really annoyed my husband when i passed it along.  

all in all that is starting to be the theme of our baby making journey – ANNOYANCE.  

i hope i get a better attitude by the time we start all this up again for the FET because right now, i honestly don’t feel like all of this is worth it…

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“the stone”

137.6 lbs.  i had a couple of days where i plateaued on the weight loss.  i started to think that maybe i had just gained weight while i was lying in the hospital.  then now a few days later i’ve dropped again to 137.6 lbs.  still have a hard time taking a deep breath. it’s very painful in my rib cage.  i am getting better with not getting winded so easily.

i got my period today 🙂  well, actually yesterday but nothing really happened so i’m calling today my day 1.

that means i am one more period away from my frozen transfer.  i messed up when i got OHSS.  i took my progesterone from wednesday until saturday morning.  once i knew there was no way i would be having a fresh transfer on the sunday, i stopped inserting my progesterone medication.  i didn’t hear back from my clinic until tuesday where they told me to keep taking my suppositories.  once they found out i had stopped the medication they let me know that that meant i now need to have a period and then ANOTHER period before i call in with my day 1.  i don’t understand this at all.  i am wondering if i should contact my doctor’s receptionist and inquire why this is… maybe i don’t have to miss out after all?  anyway, i kind of don’t mind.  i am not feeling 100% and if i do a fresh transfer in a couple of weeks i wonder if that would be too soon and trigger my OHSS once again?

so, just going by my past numbers, i could be getting ready for a FET by July 14th.  that would be my usual 35 day cycle.  if i think about my longest ever cycle – 49 days – it could be up to July 28th.

i went to a baptism this sunday for my friend’s daughter.  i don’t know why i go to those things.  i am not religious and i don’t believe in God.  i guess i go because it’s special to the people that i love and i want to support them in friendship, not so much in faith.  anyway, this friend tried for about a year to have a baby. she did one round of cycle monitoring and got pregnant. she had a miscarriage and then got pregnant with her daughter 4 months later.  her daughter is 11 months old and she now currently 6 weeks pregnant.  she tried for 3 months for this baby.  after the baptism they took us out dinner.  i got uncontrollable diarrhea in the middle of dinner (thank you OHSS and AF). while i was in the toilet she made her announcement to family and friends.  i already knew, she told me over the phone a couple of weeks before.  in a way it was nice that she waited to say something when i wasn’t there… i wonder if she did it on purpose?  

anyway, another friend of hers was the godmother.  she has been trying to have a baby for 7 years. she did countless IUIs and finally did her first IVF last fall.  she did not get pregnant.  she did an FET this spring and just found out she’s pregnant.  i’m so happy for her!  i really truly am.  we started talking over facebook a year ago when i was starting my first IVF.  i was the only person she knew that was struggling with infertility to the same extreme that she was.

at the end of dinner my girlfriend told me i had to come see her before my FET.  her nana had been to Sedona and brought back a “fertility stone”. ugh.  really?!  after all i’ve been through a STONE is going to make me get pregnant?!  she told me it worked for her and her friend (the one that just got pregnant with the FET).  i don’t know why but i just left with a bad taste in my mouth.  so i’m supposed to get this stone and then i’ll finally get pregnant with a baby i get to keep?  so what if i don’t get the stone and it doesn’t work out.  will i think about this and be upset wondering if it “would have worked if i just had the stupid stone?”  will i have to listen to my girlfriend tell me “you should have had the stone!”? if i do get the stone and it works then my friend will think “see it’s because the stone works!”.  then that takes aways from the natural abilities of my own body and it’s amazing power to create life.  i do not need a stone for that i’m sure!

anyway, i’ll continue to contemplate the stone and in the meantime i’ll be looking forward to mid July.  

it’s going to be like deja-vu.  i got pregnant from my first IVF round at pretty much the exact same time last year.  maybe we’ll get our st. patrick’s day baby this time around?

recovering and regaining strength

this morning i weighed myself.  145 lbs – down 10 pounds in 48 hours.  i still have tightness in my chest and shortness of breath.  my rib cage hurts. my legs ache.  my kidney pain is bearable during the day but i was up twice to take pain killers through the night.

first day home was great and stressful.

being away from your home for a long period of time gives you new eyes when you come back to it.  it smells different than i remember. there is a weeks worth of dust, dog hair and vacuuming that i’m behind on.  there are spots on the windows, appliances and fixtures i didn’t notice before i left.

i got busy tidying and cleaning and then i realized – forget it!!   i get obsessive when it come to cleanliness and tidiness and could have gone down that rabbit hole so easily.  instead i called my friend and went to her house.

we had sushi for lunch and did errands. i needed a new doctor’s note because the intern filled out the original one noting i was off for “ovarian hyperstimulation” UM WHAT?  my work does not have to know that. my doctor’s receptionist made a new note for me but this time the header said “dr. blah, blah – OBSTETRICS AND GYNECOLOGY.  ugh. i just didn’t want any sort of indication as to why i’ve been sick.  will my work automatically think “she’s trying to get pregnant”?  probably not and my friend and my husband have assured me of it but i still don’t like it.  after our errands i napped on my friends couch and then we chatted in the early evening sun for a bit before i headed home.

hubby brought home dinner and i felt bad that i wasn’t hungry.  he brought my flowers, like he hasn’t been thoughtful enough this whole last week.

 

 2014-06-05 20.02.37 (Medium)

then i started to get really emotional.

we missed out on yet another chance to have our baby.  i have to WAIT even LONGER.  i have sit at home, alone for another week with my emotions and thoughts.  my husband loves me more than, at times, i think deserve.  my inability to get pregnant is what has put me in all these situations and my husband is the one that is forced to the be the rock.  he takes care of everything including me and i feel like a burden once again.  this wasn’t supposed to happen.

i cry because i’m so lucky.  i have so much.  i have truly, the most incredible husband.  i am so blessed and when i’m unable to take care of myself i am overwhelmed by the reality that i have someone so wonderful to be there for me.  i never take this for granted in everyday life, i always know i have a great life and partner but when i see my life and myself in this light, it’s intense.

i also find it very intense to be with myself and my thoughts when i have a setback with my fertility.  i get depressed and sad.  frustrated and angry.

one of the ways i find peace is by spending time in my garden so i’ll have lots of time to spend in there this week.  i’m not to go back to work until June 16th so i have to keep myself busy.  it’s incredible what can grow in a week.  this pic is from the day before i went into the hospital

yard (Medium)

8 days later

baskets (Medium)

hostas (Medium)

ferns (Medium)

i don’t have a photo of the veggie gardens but that’s a 2 day job right there!!

my focus is to get back on track with being happy being me.  to be happy while not trying for a baby. to be happy while knowing i am not pregnant. to be happy with life the way it is at the moment.  to be happy while waiting.

going home

they took out my IV. no more antibiotics.  no more fluids. no blood clot.  I’ve dropped another 3 pounds, to 149.

I needed medication in the early morning because the pain on left flank  (kidney).

Dr.  just came in and told me I’m cleared.  he checked my belly and told me it’s looking good.  he’s sending me home with some meds in case my pain gets to high but other than that I can just take Tylenol or Advil.

my ovaries should be settled back to normal 6 weeks from when I had my retrieval (a week and a half in).

I knew this but he told me this whole ordeal will have had no effect on my uterus our my ability to conceive and he was very proud of our 4 embryos.

he documented everything very well and gave me a note to be off of work until June 15th.

I am really looking forward to getting back to work and seeing my kiddos.  I’ve missed them a lot.

I wonder how quickly I’ll feel back normal?

just getting to go home is doing a lot for that.

I SURVIVED OHSS!!

🙂

still don’t know

I slipped through the cracks this morning and none of my orders were put through.   I got blood work done but not until 12:30 p.m. usually they come around at like 8 a.m.  I also wasn’t on the list when my nurse called down to see what time my ultrasound was scheduled for.  they resubmitted my request and i went in around 3 p.m.

so, no news from my dr. I don’t expect anything until tomorrow morning now.   the ultrasound was pretty quick so I think that’s a good sign.  when I actually did have a blood clot, that appointment took forever!

I also weighed myself before dinner and I was 152. so down 3 pounds from this morning.  I think that is a really good sign. 

finally going home?

I am so full of fluid,  it’s starting to hurt.

they got me on a scale this morning.  on May 27, the morning of my retrieval,  I weighed 135.  this morning,  June 4th, I weigh 155 pounds!

my dr.  stopped my IV drip but I still have to have intravenous antibiotics so my line is still in.  at least I have some freedom from dragging that around all the time.

the dr.  says I could go home tomorrow but with all swelling in my legs I have to have an ultrasound  on my legs to rule out blood clots.

I will DIE if I have a blood clot now.  seriously.  that’s like 8 months plus to look after that and get better.

not thinking about that one.

my sister in law is on her way with my nieces for a visit.  I’m finally not in pain but I’ve been feeling really nauseous today.  I’m also *a-hem* pooping a lot today (finally!!!) so maybe that has something to do with it? 

I hope I get out of here tomorrow.  that would be so nice.   my girlfriend will pick me up tomorrow morning because Chris has to work in the city.

if i do get to bust outta here,  I’ll treat us to a mani / pedi to celebrate.

🙂

fuck you Turkey

I have been on a fluid/ sandwich diet for 6 days.

I started to lose it on about the 4 th day.

I think I ate 8 Turkey sandwiches out of 10 sandwiches.

I’m so polite that i didn’t think to say anything.  i just choked down the pasty white stuff and prayed for tuna out roast beef haha.

last night I finally lost it.   my nurse came over and was like “what? ! you should totally have a full diet by now”.

she got me a hot meal and. …

image

fucking Turkey? ??!!

my husband and i were laughing our ass’ off! 

LOL

tonight was meatloaf,  glorious meatloaf hahaha  and a SALAD I have never missed vegetables so much in my life.  now hubby is on his way with a nice cold fresh fruit platter.

🙂

one step forward, one step back

so my white blood cells have gone down from 13 to 8.  I will probably switch from IV antibiotics to oral ones tomorrow.  my left ovary is starting to shrink.  it was 190 now it is 140.  the swelling on my kidney has gone down and the pressure on the kidney tube has gone down.   I still have fluid around it though so I’m still going into fits of kidney pain.

turns out now that my right ovary wants to join the OHSS party haha.   it was something like 150 last Thursday and now it is 218!  it is enlarging and swelling forward though so so far no kidney problems.  

it’s so strange because I couldn’t tell anything was happening on the right side.  I would have never guessed. ..

so I’ll be here a couple more days at least.

truthful,  I’d rather be here than at home.  I want all of my pain under control and i want to see both ovaries shrinking.  last thing I need is to be home and have something terrible happen when I’m all alone and then have to come back and go through the whole E.R process again.

my worst day yet but now it’s not so bad

a lot of crappy crap happened today.   still don’t have the energy to write about it all.  here are the cliff notes:

woke up with unbearable pain.

took two Percocet on an empty stomach.  took almost an hour to kick in then got really sick and had to wait an hour for the nurse to arrive with gravol.

my IV wouldn’t stop leaking.

my morphine didn’t work.

my nurse told me to pee for my ultrasound then as soon as I did she lied to a co-worker and said I was in the washroom when she came to let know my it was ultrasound time.   even my mom was like “WTF?” one of my  ABSOLUTE biggest tick offs – we’re human,  we make mistakes.  take ownership of yours.

got to ultrasound around 10:50 am and they made me lie there for almost an hour. 

the embryologist called during that time and although our 5th embryo made it to stage 4 the cells ended up being granular and it was dark so they didn’t freeze it.

so 4 embryos it is (to be honest,  a little sad it’s not 5).

by the time it was my time for ultrasound my IV was leaking again and my  meds had worn off.  I was moaning and writhing in pain as they wheeled me back through the hospital to my room.

I had to get a new IV. it took 4 attempts and 2 girls to finally get one going.

it’s 3:30 and I’m still waiting for an ultrasound.

good news , the Percocet I took at lunch kicked in and I have had zero pain all afternoon.

my husband is here and he brought YAHTZEE.

my new neighbour is a young girl that just had an ovary removed.   I hope I can provide her comfort.