i’m really losing it here ladies

i have been so good while waiting for my FET.  not thinking a thing about it really!

now i’m 6 days out and i am a huge negative ball of nerves.

i’m worried about our embryo grades.  i am worried this won’t work and my SIL’s will have more babies.  the asshole losers across the street are making me mental.

i am full of dreadful emotions and negative thoughts that can’t be good for our transfer.  

why all of a sudden do i want to sabotage this whole thing?!

i’ll get through today, and tomorrow, then we’re up in one of the most beautiful places on earth for 3 days.  nothing to do but enjoy nature. relax. spend time with friends. positive thought.  calm. happiness.

oh ya! it’s also my husband’s 32nd birthday on sunday.  i have nothing planned for him.  oops.

some specialty beers for the camping trip?  a candle in his toasted marshmallow?




making the grade

at our last appointment we asked the nurse what our embryo grading was because they don’t seem to just let you know at my clinic.  i don’t know if this is on purpose so we (women) don’t drive ourselves crazy with analyzing the grades…?  i think my clinic feels if they approved them to be frozen then that means they made the grade and the nitty details are unnecessary and really, they are right.

BUT just to drive myself mental i asked and this is what i found out.  

we have a 4BB and either 2 – 4BCs and 1 – 4CBs. or 2 – 4CBs and 1 – 4BC.


they had reported to us the whole time they were developing that they were “perfect” and we had “the poster children of embryos”.

those gradings are making feel otherwise… not even one A?  although i have heard stories of women having 4AA 5 days blastocysts that still did not result in a BFP.

i shouldn’t be surprised.  i was never an A student.  i got by just fine with Bs and Cs and i’m hoping my embryos will too 😉



#3 and #4

i just got off the phone with my mom and we talked about a lot of stuff but she mentioned that my brother was on the phone with her and my dad the other night and he was talking about “baby #3”.

this took my parents aback because my brother has always been a “2 kids, that’s it!” guy. unfortunately my SIL is one of 6 kids and she has always thought otherwise.  although, we’ve talked a lot over the past few months and she had agreed, 2 is enough but she mentioned that if i got pregnant it would definitely spark her desire for another baby.

then we were at my other SIL’s last weekend for her second child’s 3rd birthday.  she had baby #3 last september and although she wanted 4 kids she said she thought she’d be happy with the 3.  she also mentioned that they would revisit it at 12 or 18 months and decide for sure.  well it’s almost the 12 month mark and my BIL said that my SIL is pushing HARD for baby #4.

so here i am, 6 days away from my FET and i feel completely gutted at the moment because there are two ways this will play out and my gut is dropping with dread that it will play out as it has for the past 4 years.

1.  i will get pregnant and my SIL’s with 2 and 3 kids already will get jealous/envious/maternal and will both get pregnant with their 3rd and 4th children.

and i should say, i’m fine with this one.  the more the merrier i love my nieces and would love to finally have a nephew.


2.  i will fail yet another attempt to finally have a child and my SIL’s will both get pregnant in a few months with babies #3 and #4.

i honestly just have the worst sinking feeling right now.  i don’t know if i could handle that.  i’ve been so good thinking if it doesn’t happen for us this time i’m okay.  i will not be devastated i will just try again.  we have lots of embryos to work with and it will happen.

i never stopped to think that my SIL’s may have more babies and i still will have none.  that i don’t know if i can handle emotionally.

i was in a really good head space, now i feel like i’m in a race and it’s a race i always lose.




how do you celebrate getting a green light for your upcoming FET?

you make yourself a lawn, of course!

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just a few more plants and i’m DONE!

question – how do you ladies feel about painting while pregnant?  i know they make paint much better than they use to with low VOC and all but my husband is pretty adamant about me not painting after the FET.  trouble is our FET is the 5th and we close on our rental property on the 7th.  there is very minimal painting required, just enough to patch a few holes in each room and i think it’s fine.  the embryo will also be doing next to nothing at that point.  maybe just implanting. what would you do? 

good news

my lining is perfect.  phew. doctor and nurse said the estrace has worked perfectly and has done exactly what it needed to do.  they noted some fluid in front of my cervix but the nurse assured us that if it was anything that indicated a problem with the FET they would have cancelled the cycle. I’m pretty sure it’s all the EWM i was mentioning earlier. barf.

I’ll be starting progesterone Thursday and our FET will be Tuesday.  this is nice because we won’t have to rush home from camping (although i was totally wishing it would be a day earlier).

we let the nurse know that we’re planning a double embryo transfer, signed the consents and paid.  the accountant let us know we’re just getting in before they increase the cost of a frozen embryo transfer from $1500 to $1800 on August 15th.  lucky us!  geez.  what are they possibly adding to the FET process that could cost $300?

anyway,  we’re in the final stretch.



bag of hormones.

i’ve had mostly good days but horrible nights.  i have MAJOR insomnia. last night was the worst. i was up tossing and turning until 4 a.m. and the nights before that were well into the 1-2 a.m. range before i finally fell asleep.

over the last 10 days i have had two days of being in a constant overly emotional state. today being one of them.  i can’t really explain the feeling but this should give you a better picture. my neighbour whipper sniped my flowers, two huge clumps of them, one even had a flower ring around them to indicate it was infact flowers that he half whipper sniped last week!!  i noticed it after i’d just cut the grass tonight and no joke i thought my clothes were ripping off my body as i magically got humongous and turned green.  HULK SMASH!!!!  in that moment i felt completely insane.

tomorrow is my U/S and it will determine if everything is progressing well for my FET.  i am slightly worried. i have had – TMI time – tonnes of EWM. like i didn’t even know that it was possible for a human to create this much.  it was so bad my pills were literally slipping right back out every time i inserted them.  sunday i was super bloated.  i had crazy ovary pressure and i am afraid i ovulated. i still have the EWM just not as much.  i guess if i did ovulate it would mean a cancelled cycle…. sigh. i really hope not.  i am also really retaining water.  i can’t wear my rings.  i decided to weigh myself and i’m at 138!?!  what the fuck?  i mean i know i have been pretty relaxed in terms of the food department but i have not eaten enough junk to warrant a 6 pound weight gain. that would usually take a whole winter to put on.  

anyway, i hope i get good news tomorrow because i was stupid and googled stuff yesterday and some lady out there did ovulate during her FET prep and it cancelled her FET and now i’m a ball of nerves… damn you google, damn yooooouuuuuu!

in other news. the front yard is really coming along.  we’re in the final stages.  hopefully we’ll get some sod tomorrow.  i need to plant some more perennials around the border and i’m getting some hydrangea from a friend for under the window at the right side of the house and then we’re all done 🙂


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gag me why don’t you?!

that sick feeling resting right at the top of your throat, right on the back of your tongue, waiting for your brain and your tummy to give it the cue to  – GAG YOU –  at any given moment!!!!!

i’ll look at it like the estrace is working… it’s a good thing…?

but speaking of estrace working.  last night i had only had my pills up the who-ha for a couple of hours. i went pee and when i got up a teal blob was sitting at the bottom of the bowl (i don’t know if this medication expands once inserted but it was about the size of a nickel).  so one pill came out? both? unless it was the pills from the morning?! 

geez.  just stay where you’re put you little bastards!

i don’t have time for an FET!

thank goodness it is summer.  i am so busy with projects and continually making more work for myself that the days just blur together and fly by that does amazing things for my anxiety and sadness while getting ready for more TTC stuff.

i’m already on day 4 and only a week away from my U/S!  :0

i had a nice day off with a friend yesterday and got home to hubs cutting grass and doing yard work. i was inspired!  in my sun dress and fancy flat sandals i started watering, pulling weeds, peek here, poking there.  next thing we knew we’d started to transform the whole front of the house!


this is most recent shot of the front of the house i could find.  it’s from 4.5 years ago when we first bought the house.  the juniper trees at the front window were about 3 times the size as of last night.  i can’t believe i didn’t take a before and after.  i’m the QUEEN of before and afters…

this is the house in the light of day.

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i was thinking a nice, TALL emerald cedar to the right of the door.  the house needs height in front of it.  now seeing it like this! i just love the openness. it finally feels balanced.  i am thinking just a bunch of snowball hydrangeas or hostas under the window and call it a day!

oh man, if only all this would take one day hahaha.

i’ve got the little rototiller my MIL uses for her veggie garden rows hahaha. i’m going to look like a “woman” outside using that scrawny little thing on the front lawn but heck, gotta give it a whirl!

digging out some root balls, chopping up some dirt, picking out rocks, cutting down shrubs.  i better get off this computer and get to work!

have a great day everyone.


pills and provincial parks

i received my FET protocol today.

i was in the middle of the woods beside a beautiful lake talking to a woman 3 hours away about when to put pills in my mouth and when to put them… well… somewhere else.

the epitome of rest and relaxation hahaha.

i’ll be on what my dr. calls the FET “D” protocol.  i don’t really know why it’s called “D” and why i’m it and not the “A” protocol but i really don’t care.

today is day 2 for me.  we got home from camping and i immediately took my estrace pills orally.  i know i said i was taking them with me but surprise, surprise i forgot them on the kitchen counter. the nurse said it was okay for today to take them ASAP and then again before bed but to space them out a.m. / p.m. from now on.  she seemed a little annoyed that i hadn’t taken them already but i was just getting her call with instructions on what to do so what did she expect…?

i have to start diligently taking my prenatal vitamins and folic acid pills and i also have to add in a 81 mg aspirin.

so that’s it until day 10. one baby aspirin, two prenatal vitamins, a folic acid pill and 4 estrace pills a day.

on day 11 (july 29th) i go in for an ultrasound. i give them our consent form for the FET and $1,500.  if everything is good i will add progesterone into the mix that day or the next and 6 days later we have our FET (august 4/5).


the only thing i thought was strange was that the nurse said that they have started having your actual dr. do the transfer.  usually you just get whoever is there that day.  then she said because the 4th is the monday of a holiday weekend we’d probably be bumped back a day to the 5th.  i get my doctor is the director of the clinic and working on long weekends is probably not her thing but i should be getting my FET on the most optimal day for my body, not on the most convenient day for my dr.  i’m definitely going to bring this issue up on the 29th.

oh and one more interesting thing.  we never received an invoice for the freezing of our embryos this cycle. with my OHSS episode we didn’t do a fresh transfer and they were all frozen and this is a cost of $650.  we hadn’t heard a thing about the payment though.  today the nurse said we had to have our money for the FET in at my appointment on the 29th.  i asked her if we were going to be charged the full amount because a transfer procedure was part of our last cycle that is covered by OHIP but i didn’t get to do it.  she looked into this and called us back and told us when a patient is forced to cancel a fresh transfer due to OHSS they freeze the embryos free of charge but then you have to pay for the FET. okay.  sounds good to us.