i just got off the phone with my mom and we talked about a lot of stuff but she mentioned that my brother was on the phone with her and my dad the other night and he was talking about “baby #3”.
this took my parents aback because my brother has always been a “2 kids, that’s it!” guy. unfortunately my SIL is one of 6 kids and she has always thought otherwise. although, we’ve talked a lot over the past few months and she had agreed, 2 is enough but she mentioned that if i got pregnant it would definitely spark her desire for another baby.
then we were at my other SIL’s last weekend for her second child’s 3rd birthday. she had baby #3 last september and although she wanted 4 kids she said she thought she’d be happy with the 3. she also mentioned that they would revisit it at 12 or 18 months and decide for sure. well it’s almost the 12 month mark and my BIL said that my SIL is pushing HARD for baby #4.
so here i am, 6 days away from my FET and i feel completely gutted at the moment because there are two ways this will play out and my gut is dropping with dread that it will play out as it has for the past 4 years.
1. i will get pregnant and my SIL’s with 2 and 3 kids already will get jealous/envious/maternal and will both get pregnant with their 3rd and 4th children.
and i should say, i’m fine with this one. the more the merrier i love my nieces and would love to finally have a nephew.
OR – AND THIS IS THE ONE THAT IS MAKING ME SICK –
2. i will fail yet another attempt to finally have a child and my SIL’s will both get pregnant in a few months with babies #3 and #4.
i honestly just have the worst sinking feeling right now. i don’t know if i could handle that. i’ve been so good thinking if it doesn’t happen for us this time i’m okay. i will not be devastated i will just try again. we have lots of embryos to work with and it will happen.
i never stopped to think that my SIL’s may have more babies and i still will have none. that i don’t know if i can handle emotionally.
i was in a really good head space, now i feel like i’m in a race and it’s a race i always lose.