letting people down

I’m really scared about my ultrasound and dinner with my SIL and BIL last night and being home this weekend with my family has me even more worried.

I’ve been on my own lately and not really talking to anyone about my current pregnancy so it has been good for me and i haven’t gotten too attached to the idea of this pregnancy.
that changed last night.

over dinner my SIL was excited and talked a lot about Wednesday coming up fast.  she can’t wait to hear the good news.

my other SIL talked a lot about pregnancy and first trimester symptoms and is sure everything will be great.

my mom is having dreams and thinks it’s going to end up as twins.  she told me in my past pregnancies she’s had sinking feelings and this time she’s calm and confident.

I know that i have no control over any if this and that bad news would not be my fault but i just can’t help but feeling like i will be letting many people down if things turn out badly on Wednesday.

everyone is so confident and I’m here thinking my body is tricking me and nothing is going on at all in there … blighted ovums are the most messed up thing ever.   they are the ultimate joy stealer.

is it just me

or is my niece kind of a genius? 

she is obsessed with eggs and nests and makes nests everywhere she goes, with anything she can find.

i gave her a “reptile” egg (she’s also in love with dinosaurs) and we put it in a glass to “hatch” yesterday.

we put in her room overnight and so she could take care of it (cutest) and this morning i heard “my egg, auntie sham, i see green, auntie sham”.

we brought the glass down to the kitchen table and sure enough, there was a little green something poking out.

my SIL gave her some paper and markers and she said she was going to draw her egg.

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she’s 2 and a half!

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my little “genius” xoxoxo

real fear

feeling a little blah today.  just need to release a little…

i don’t feel real fear.  

i don’t like heights so being on a ladder helping my husband work on the roof last week was a bit panic inducing but i’m talking about REAL fear, the kind that leaves your limbs numb and tingling and you paralyzed in your tracks.

with my ultrasound now officially scheduled for next wednesday i am starting to have moments of REAL fear sweep over me. 

i have never had a good pregnancy ultrasound.  they have always ended in devastating, heart crushing sadness.  the feeling that puts me in a trance, unable to understand how my legs are still holding me up, or how my lungs could possibly still be taking in air.  One moment i’m in a dark, warm, buzzing room then i blink and the nurse is telling me “i’m so sorry…”.

this should be an exciting time. something i look forward to but for once in all the years i’ve been enduring this never ending “waiting game” i just want to wait a little longer so i can keep being blissfully ignorant that everything is okay.

to make matters a bit worse (ya, it’s possible to get a bit worse), i have to have the ultrasound done at an independent clinic so i won’t get to see anything or get any news!  i have to lie there, looking at the blank face of the technician, get up and leave with no report.

will that actually make it easier?  maybe?!

i just hate thinking that everything could finally be good and i won’t even get to see or hear our little miracle…?



wake-up call

*pregnancy and beta discussed*




i noticed on the drunkstork’s posts that she always puts a disclaimer at the beginning when talking about betas or pregnancy.  i feel like a bit of an asshole because i don’t do that and i want to apologize to anyone i’ve may have triggered with my thoughtlessness.  xox

the nurse last sunday said that she was only calling early because they had an extra person in the office that morning and could get to phone calls quicker than usual.  she said that for the sunday after my third beta the phone call would be coming in the afternoon.

even though she said that, i slept with my phone on my bed side table last night hahaha.

good thing i did because at 7:34 it started ringing and in a kind of a awake/kind of still trying to sleep state i looked and it said “unknown”.

in that instant my adrenaline kicked in and although i didn’t want to hear the news i couldn’t wait to hear the news and it was time to face the music.

it was francis, the nurse i had when i discovered my blighted ovum, so it brought back some emotions hearing her voice giving me this news.

turns out my numbers rose to


my calculations of a doubling time every 48 was around 1100 and the nurse last week said anything over 600 would be a good sign so francis said 2600 is an amazing number and shows that things are progressing very well.

of course i was very happy with the news and my heart was beating out of my chest!  she asked me how i was feeling and i told her i actually wasn’t feeling too much just a few moments of sickness after lunch and some sleepiness around 9 p.m. she told me not to worry and reminded that just because i’m pregnant doesn’t mean i have to be tortured by it!  true true!  i think with this being my 4th pregnancy my body knows what’s going on and is maybe finally cool with all the hormones coursing through it …? hahaha.

so now we wait…again hahaha.  my first ultrasound will be september 3rd. i will be 6w6d.

i am going to enjoy everyday of my last week of summer vacation and will be very happy when september 3rd arrives.

still cautiously moving forward with each step but definitely a lot more relieved.


you can crack those suckers open?!?

i am so mentally insane that even though i am one day away from my 3rd beta test, i decided to do the second HPT sitting under my bathroom sink this morning.  it is digital but it doesn’t show your HCG in weeks so why would i do this?

WHY WOULD I DO THAT?!…. (who fucking knows!).

anyway, as i waited for it to develop, i was reading the instructions on the HPT box and read that each digital test contains a battery.  i don’t how i thought those things worked, (magic, to be honest, i thought they worked off magic), turns out it’s a watch battery.  the manufacturer says that you have to crack open the HPT to retrieve the battery and dispose of it properly rather than just throwing it in your regular garbage.

after the test developed i saw a  YES + but i also saw ” ? ” flicker a couple of times on the screen and when i turned the test on an angle i could see the ? faintly in the screen.

i freaked out!

i thought it was showing the ? this time with the YES + was because it was struggling to find the HCG in my urine. i got light headed and couldn’t stop staring at it.  so i did what any rationally thinking, normal woman would do, i shoved it back in the box, put it under the sink and walked to my computer.

i was looking up “first response HPT positive and question mark” and found a website with HPT photos on it.  i was curious so i started scrolling to see people’s tests and then i started to see pictures of the digital HPTs cracked open. i have never once thought about what is going on inside a digital HPT and was surprised to find this – 

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as you can see i ran back down to the bathroom, grabbed the test and saw that the ? had disappeared and the internal test showed a pretty good line there but i don’t know…. should the results be as dark as the control line by now? has anyone actually gotten a test line as dark as a control line?

to try and relax i have been reading “low beta, successful pregnancy” forums for encouragement, but man oh man, am i ever freaking out about yet another shaky start to pregnancy.

beta #3 tomorrow morning… then the waiting until sunday afternoon… i am really fucking nervous.

sweet husband, lazy wife

it’s our anniversary xox  #4 – fruit and flowers.  

hubby said not to worry about getting/doing anything for today seeing as he hadn’t gotten anything either hahaha.  we’d planned our “flowers” gift as being the two hydrangea bushes in the new garden out front.

i woke up this morning and could smell burnt chocolate.  i looked around for evidence of pancakes (of the chocolate chip variety) but the kitchen came up clean!

i insisted that i smelt something sweet and burning and hubby asked if i was feeling okay?… ahhaha i said i thought so hahaha. then he came out of the other room with a tray of chocolate covered strawberries and a vase full of calla lilies.

what a guy xox

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– 4 years ago –

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i had heard of this a long time ago and really thought there was no possible way it could be true.  a program that replaces pregnancy announcements and photos of newborn babies with pictures of bacon?!  to0 good to be true.

turns out,  it’s real and it works.


i am still testing it out on my FB page and it can’t detect EVERYTHING you don’t want to see but so far, it’s pretty damn good!

easy to install, easy to use.  see if it makes your FB and twitter feeds better for you



year 4 – flowers, fruit


after reading waiting for baby bird’s anniversary post i looked at the calendar and realized our anniversary is on thursday!? how did that happen!?  

we have always followed the traditional wedding gift list.  year 1 – paper, year 2 – cotton, year 3 – leather and now year 4 – flowers, fruit.

i did buy some hydrangeas to finish off the landscaping in the front garden and we did agree that could be our “flowers”.  money is a little tight with the new rental house and all the reno we’re doing on our own house.  if i wasn’t pregnant we’d have probably splurged on a vintage wine or a trip to niagara’s wine region.

i need to get creative here.  good thing eee-leash-a 😉 reminded me and now i have 4 days to figure something out!

(one thing i know for sure, this is NOT happening LOL) 


33 – 87

well the numbers doubled.  I’m not getting excited just yet and i don’t want you guys to either!  haha

i mean it.

last year my blighted ovum started at 37 and jumped to 117 so i don’t trust numbers.

I’m going for blood work again next Saturday. I’ll hear from the nurse Sunday afternoon.  i only heard early today because they had an extra nurse in.  she said from that test they’d like to see a number of 600 or higher.  

I’ll be happy to see a number in the proper range but I’ll only relax if i get to an ultrasound (which would take place the first week of September).


when people comment on how busy i am all the time i like to use the saying “a rolling stone gathers no moss”.  

i am finished all of my summer projects and things aren’t look good in the pregnancy department and i realized i’ve stopped rolling.  it is not in my best interest to not have something to do.  i am a person that can fall easily into depression when life isn’t going how i planned and i have nothing to do in the meantime.

i just sent an email to my local Children’s Aid Society inquiring about volunteering opportunities.

i hope i hear back from them soon.