another sigh of relief

well the ultrasound today has come and gone and we’re back to breathing a little easier. phew!

the technician was a self proclaimed “rule follower” so she really didn’t delve into any specifics but she did tell me that she is very thorough, takes lots of measurements and pics and takes her time. i was very happy she told me that because long appointments equal bad news and it helped me relax knowing that that was her style. so i know i got everything checked out super well.  she started with my uterus.  at one point she asked me if i have history of fibroids?  i told her no.  this didn’t really worry me too much because i’ve had techs ask stuff like that in the past and then i don’t have anything that they asked about… (so why do they ask?)…

then she moved on to checking the baby.  she said she was going to remeasure some things and add in a few new ones as baby is now big enough.  so she did the head, belly, femur, arms, heart rate and a couple of other things but i can’t remember now.

then she moved to my ovaries.  all she told me is they are in the right place hahaha

she talked a lot while she checked. i found this reassuring as it has been my experience that when something is wrong or troublesome, the tech does not talk.  she told me about some great cookbooks by Sick Kids Hospital that she just loves and when “baby is here with us and ready to eat I should get them”.  not really something that someone would say if things didn’t seem good i think… right?

she told me that some doctors overreact nowadays as they’ve kind of swung from one end of the spectrum to the other. right now the common theme is “over check, just to be sure”.  which i can totally appreciate but as an IVFer this triggers big time anxiety.  she told me next time i go to see the dr. to empty my bladder fully before and even during the appointment and try for a poop beforehand (hahaha) as all these things can change the height, shape and size of the uterus.  then i asked if she’d just be my dr.?! bahaha.

at the end she went out and got chris and we got to see our baby again.  just 4 weeks older but so much bigger than last time and looking much more like a babe.  we saw the spine, ribs, arm and hand bones and little feet.  it looked like babe was snoozing as the movement was limited to a bit of head nodding and some little arms crossing in front of the heart.  heartbeat was awesome. it’s my favourite part.  i just love seeing that little flicker more than anything in the world.  140 bpm.  xox

so now we wait for our appointment on the 5th with the OB to go over everything.  we know that nothing is certain and we don’t know everything that was recorded today but seeing our baby, seeing it’s heart beating and everything looking snug as a bug in there, we are rejuvenated until our next appointment.


How far along?    14 weeks, 4 days.

Total weight gain/loss?  still 140.7.  so +7 pounds.

Gender?  Everytime I tell people the last heart rate was 138 they say “a boy!”.  Still going to hold out ’til the end 🙂

Maternity clothes?   Bought two belly bands or tummy sleeves, whatever you want to call them.  They will work with a couple of pairs of jeans.  Still fitting into a few pairs of skinny jeans with buttoning not being an issue or uncomfortable.  I am also wearing a lot of leggings (mostly on weekends).

Stretch marks?   Nope.

Sleep?  Sleeping well now.  Up a time or two to go the bathroom.  Getting kinks in my neck which is causing some headaches through the day.  I am also waking up with a tight cramp in my uterus the odd night.  I’ll move or get up and it goes away.  Mom told me those are Braxton Hicks and she had them her whole pregnancy with both my brother and I. Interesting.

Best moment this week –  Hmmm I don’t really know.  Maybe seeing my belly getting bigger.  When I’m standing up and facing forward I can see a little roundness between my hip bones.  Can really only see it when I’m in my undies but I don’t think you all want to see me in my skivvies hahaha 😉

Miss anything?  I’m kind of starting to wonder if I’ll ever desire sex again.  I am just not interested at all.  My poor husband.  I am also missing just having the general desire to do things.  I don’t do anything and I don’t feel like doing anything ever!

Movement?  Haven’t felt anymore little taps.  Every once in a while I feel like a gurgle sensation.  My SIL said it will feel like I’m going over the top of a rollercoaster when I actually feel the baby moving.

Food cravings?   I craved popcorn earlier in the week.  Finally made some last night.  Definitely eating and cooking a lot more.

Anything making you queasy or sick?  Still, the smell of wood gets to me.  Also, grill cheese sandwiches seem to make me sick. Bummer.

Symptoms?   Gas.  Still vomiting from time to time.  Little bits of heartburn.  Braxton Hicks.  Headaches.  Peeing a lot.

Labor Signs?  Nope.

Belly Button in or out?   I’m just leaving this one N/A for a while.

Wedding rings on or off?   On.

Happy or Moody most of the time?   Happy and anxious.  My ultrasound is tomorrow morning.  That dr. at the prenatal clinic really fucked me up last week and I just want to get in there and see what’s going on.  I really hope the technician sneaks me some good news.

Looking forward to?   My ultrasound and hopefully seeing baby tomorrow.  Also, it’s our Halloween staff meeting tomorrow.  We get to bring in lots of goodies to munch on.  I hope my ultrasound doesn’t run too late and I can make there to pig out bahahahaha

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do you think I finally have little bump?

fitting in

i packed away my summer clothes today and brought out my winter stuff.

as i was doing this, a very disturbing thought crossed my mind.

i’m not going to be able to fit into the clothes i just pulled out for much longer and i may not fit into the clothes i just packed away again.



is it tuesday yet?

i have my ultrasound to check my uterus and ovaries and the baby again on october 28th and then my first appointment with the OB on november 5th.

i was able to talk to the doctor the day after my last appointment, the one where she told me a heart rate of 138 is “lower than normal” and thought my uterus was a little too big for 13.5 weeks.  in the follow-up conversation i told her we were very confused on her view of the heart rate.  she apologized and said that they like to see a normal heart rate in the range of 140-160 (everything i’ve read in our pregnancy books and read online says 120-180 is normal with 150 being the average).  she said that she did see a varied heart rate of 138 – 140 and that was total normal and okay.  so why did she say it wasn’t?!  grrrr.

then we talked about the size of my uterus and she said there could have been many factors that affect the size and shape. like if i had a full bladder or needed to have a BM (both of which applied to me that day).  she didn’t really say what it could me in terms of bad things but it was more to check and see if my ovaries were in the right place (as they have drifted around in the past) and to see if i had any cysts growing as that’s a big part of my history too.

i mentioned the larger uterus issue to a couple of moms at the daycare i work at.  one said she had huge babies and she always measured bigger.  one said they told her the same thing and were worried about too much amniotic fluid, which can be an indication of downs syndrome (great something else to worry about) but she ended up being fine and her daughter is totally gifted.  another said that she was so huge the dr. was convinced she was having twins and then was very thankful when they found out she wasn’t because her tiny frame could never have carried twins to a safe due date.

so i see a lot of women go through this but i just wish i didn’t have to be one of them…  i’m trying to be low stress and relax. my husband is totally confident nothing is wrong. i am definitely thinking the most positively that i can about the whole situation but it’s so hard to just let it go and forget about it.  i haven’t really been wish this time away but right now i just wish it was tuesday.

on a totally different topic, has anyone bought a fetal doppler for home use?  is it worth it? where did you get it?  how much did it cost?  i worry that this is the first stop to “crazy town” but it’s also something i’m just really interested in.  i don’t plan on listening all the time but to have the choice or the option my calm my nerves when i start to come undone may be nice.

“don’t worry”

HA!  thanks.

i had my second prenatal appointment today.  everything was good.  chris came with me and it was a different dr. than the first visit.  she was very nice, a little hyper.  we chatted about test results which i didn’t get other than my ultrasound looked good (which we already knew).  i have to have the second part of my IPS blood work done between 15 and 18 weeks and then we’ll have the full picture of likeliness for complications.

she had me lie down to use the doppler but before she checked for the heartbeat she felt my belly.  my belly is growing, no doubt about it.  i find sometimes it’s a little lopsided to the right and it’s getting higher but still not as high as my belly button yet. anyway, turns out she thinks it’s “a little too high for 14 weeks” and thinks it “curious” that it’s kind of siting to the right. so she goes on to do the doppler and it takes about a minute but she finds the heartbeat. she measures the rate at 138 and says “that’s a little lower than normal”.  what?  i thought anywhere from 120-180 beats is normal and the old wive’s tale of a lower heartbeat meaning boy often rings true.

then she says she wants to do an internal. okay. no problem.  she feels around and says she can’t feel anything amiss but still i’m too high for 14 weeks.  i asked her what that would indicate and she had no answer. she said she’s going to call the OB/GYN which i’m supposed to see on december 8th and see if she will see me sooner.  also, i’m to go for another ultrasound.

she talked me into a flu shot. i got it. we left.

so of course i started googling and my hubby had already been doing that in the waiting room while i was having my exam. he’s not worried at all.  the heart rate is normal and women have different uteruses that do different things.  i feel the same way but i still don’t like the doctor being unsure of something.  i also have to factor in that i have had 3 surgeries. that could mean scar tissue issues. i have had my ovary float around and get stuck between my uterus and my abdomen (when i had that monster dermoid cyst).  i also have a uterus that is slightly tilted upwards (the reason why my ovary was about to move into that god awful position in the first place).   if i have a slightly tilted uterus to start and it start it’s natural tilting process for pregnancy that would mean it’s going to be a little higher no?

so now i’m supposed to not worry and wait hear back today or tomorrow about what my next step is.  i just hope i don’t have to wait too long for this next step.

so for now i’m just focusing on the fact that we found and heard the heartbeat today, and as far as we’re concerned, it was healthy and strong.

Lucky # 13

How far along?    13 weeks, 3 days – so I guess teeecchnicaally I’m almost in my second trimester.  It’s easier for me to accept this fact this week since i’m just a few days away from it now hahaha.  Last week my only hope was clinging to the idea that 12 weeks was the marker for the second trimester.

Total weight gain/loss?   I seem to have blown up this week lol.  I was telling Chris that i felt “thicker’ but I’m still not really showing much.  I weighed myself this morning and…140.7 lbs…that’s significant!  So up about 7 pounds now.

Gender?  I do the “cutlery test” with all the pregnant women I know.  This involves wrapping a spoon in a tea towel and a knife in separate tea towel and then having the pregnant woman choose one.  The spoon represents girl, the knife represents boy.  We decided to do it yesterday morning while having our morning coffee.  Hubby wrapped them up and took the test.  I ALWAYS go left for everything but the right one was standing out to me.  Chris told me i was taking too long so i just grabbed the right one and it was… a spoon 🙂

Maternity clothes?   May be getting close.

Stretch marks?   Nope.

Sleep?   Still taking a while to get to sleep.  I am almost in an insomniac like state for an hour or so before I can fall asleep. Tossing and turning. I’m also waking up a few times in the night to go to the washroom.

Best moment this week –  After the WORST MS DAY OF MY LIFE I woke up on Thursday (13 weeks exactly) and I had NO MS ALL DAY LONG!  I did feel nauseous a few times throughout the day but could get over it by eating.  I am now on day 4 of no vomiting 🙂  LUCKY # 13.

Miss anything?  Not really.

Movement?  I swear I felt something on Friday afternoon while I was driving home from the city.  It was in the center of my lower abdomen and it felt like very, very light little taps.  It happened two times in the same place and it was about 3 or 4 “taps” each time.

Food cravings?   Eating much better.  Still want carbs and easy things to fill me up fast.  Often going for cashews for a snack now.

Anything making you queasy or sick?  Still with the smells.  WOOD.  I can’t stand it!  Hubby opened the attic door this morning and I could have killed him!  I dread going back to work each day and all weekend long because the smells just make me feel so sick at the school.

Symptoms?   Gas.  Mild nausea.  Little bit of heartburn.

Labor Signs?  Nope.

Belly Button in or out?   This question won’t mean much for a while.

Wedding rings on or off?   On.

Happy or Moody most of the time?   Happy and worried.  The loss of my friend’s baby a couple of weeks ago has really rattled me. I just can’t shake the sadness. I am not in a state of deep worry or anxiety but I am definitely sad and worried about all the things that can happen between now and delivering this baby.  I have to tell myself several times a day, “woman have healthy babies.  Healthy babies exist.  Not everyone loses their baby”.

Looking forward to?   Still looking forward to our appointment tomorrow.  Chris can come with me this time and we’re hoping to finally actually hear the heartbeat.

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definitely looking thicker around the waist

october 15th

before infertility and the loss of our babies, i spent October 15th completely unaware and celebrating my birthday.

now i spend part of my day thinking of our lost babies and all the other families that have lost babies too soon.

my birthday wish now is that a little bit of their pain eases every day.  i wish that they have the strength and support that they need in their lives and i wish that they never give up hope.


Pregnancy Update

How far along?    12 weeks, 4 days – YAY second trimester!  although, I am very confused by this.  My pregnancy book says I’m in my second trimester but the internet says that there are three possible 2nd T markers.  By development I started my 2nd T on October 6th.  By gestation I don’t hit 2nd T until the 16th and by conception I won’t be in the 2nd T until October 25th!?  I’ve waited too long for this milestone, so I’m just going by 12 weeks!

Total weight gain/loss?   back to + 4-5 lbs.

Gender?   I don’t know.  We shared with family this weekend and so many people were happy to hear we weren’t going to find out in advance.  One cousin in law said for her it made it better for getting through her labours.  She was so excited to find out what the baby was she was super pumped the whole the time. Hopefully that will be the case for me too haha.

Maternity clothes?   Nope.

Stretch marks?   Nope.

Sleep?   Not as tired at bedtime.  Takes a while to fall asleep and I have been waking up fairly early without an alarm.

Best moment this week –   Sending a photo of my little bump to my mom, MIL, and both SILs.  Also, finally getting to tell the last of our family in person and sharing our pregnancy with FB land.

Miss anything?   Still just waiting for normal, vomitless life to come back to me. (Did I just make up a word!?)

Movement?  Nope.  Although, sometime I swear I can feel something… more like everything is just starting to expand and feel strange and I feel “stuff going on”.  Definitely not baby yet.

Food cravings?   No particular cravings any more but food is just still such a challenge for me.

Anything making you queasy or sick?  Smells.  Still get grossed out by wood smells and white bread (yeast).  Gag central everytime I open the pantry or go to work.

Symptoms?   MS and heartburn.

Labor Signs?  Nope.

Belly Button in or out?   This question won’t mean much for a while.

Wedding rings on or off?   On.

Happy or Moody most of the time?   Happy but honestly I don’t know how much longer I can deal with this MS.

Looking forward to?   Hmmm, I guess my doctors appointment on the 20th… oh, and my b-day on the 15th 🙂

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disappearing blogs

i get very worried when a blog disappears, especially when it vanishes after an embryo transfer.

my positive side likes to think that their transfer was successful and the woman no longer feels the need to blog about her struggles or sorrow.  she’s graduated to a happy mental state and it is blissfully anticipating the arrival or her baby or babies!

however, my sad side worries that her attempt ended in sadness and despair and she could not bear to share her pain with the world.  i worry that she has closed herself off from and is suffering in silence, all alone.

whatever the case, i hope our missing bloggers are doing okay. i hope my first assumption is true for them and they are finally onto their journey to motherhood.

i hope that life is being kind to them, wherever they are.