13 months

maeve is a couple of days over 13 months.

this past month has been full of love and so fun BUT also full of frustration and at times anger.

maeve is a smart little cookie and is learning many ways to express herself and let us know what she wants (or doesn’t want).  She signs for all done, more, food, give.  this is amazing and has been so so helpful in understanding her and communicating with her.

she also learned to wag her finger in a “no” response and have little laying on the floor temper tantrums.  although pretty funny, it was a little alarming that she learned these actions so young.  i have never wagged a finger at her.  my husband, however, does use this gesture and i didn’t no know this until just a couple of days ago…. sigh. the finger wagging and tantrums were also followed with slapping and biting.  we have absolutely NEVER slapped her!  so this was all just her testing out her different forms of communicating and testing limits.

the slapping and biting was HARD to deal with guys.  so hard because you can’t make them stop.  i actually did a couple of time outs on the stair.  not because i thought she would understand the time out but to separate her from the situation and get her out of the aggressive state she was in.

i am happy to say that she has stopped her finger wagging and biting the past two days.  i am now getting so many hugs and cuddles it’s crazy.  they know how to take you right the absolute brink and then wrangle you right back in.  i better get used to this! hahahaha

she is starting to say “words” now.  she calls me “may-me” and “ma ma”. we give her water in her bottle and she asks for “wa wa”.  she started saying “uh-oh” this week and it is so cute. we ask her if she wants to eat and she will either shake her head “no” or she will walk towards the kitchen pointing at her mouth.  we can present her with different things and ask her if she’d like it and she will open and close her hands in a “give me” gesture or will shake her head no.

She loves to come up behind me  and “push me over”, then she climbs on my back for a piggy back ride. she climbs up the stairs of her little slide and goes down all by herself. she is so proud when she reaches the bottom and she has a big, goofy grin.  god i love it!

she loves her little snack container where she can put her hand in and get her cheerios. she loves drinking out of a bottle with a straw. you can just see that is so proud to be so grown up.

she reaches out to complete strangers to be held.  it’s is scary in a way that she would go to anyone but also very cute and it makes people so happy. she brings a lot of joy to people and it just makes me so happy to see it.

she is really into books and her little motorized cat and dog. she will pick up these items and give them to me and then back herself up to sit in my lap and play with them or read. i looooooove this.

she has a little car for riding in a outside and there is a handle so that i can use to push it. when we go for walks this is her fav mode of transportation.  she waves to all the cars and people she sees on our walks.  such a friendly girl.

we got her over sized magnets for the fridge and she loves walking around just holding them.  one day she had 5 of them with her hahaha.  i have a feeling when she’s older and told to pick “just one thing” she will have a very hard time doing that haha.

this morning i said we had to change her diaper and for the first time she walked to the ottoman where i change her and patted it like “get me up here”.  proud moment.

so so many things she loves to do but she’s up from her nap now so we’ll leave it here for now 🙂


The Birthmark – Pediatrician Appoinment

We had our appointment for Maeve’s birthmark yesterday.

We were reassured that, in terms of cancerous looking skin blemishes, Maeve’s mark does not fit any categories.  It is not any of the typical birthmarks that people get – cafe aux lait, strawberry, port wine stain etc.  So, the pediatrician took photos and sent them to his dermatologist friend at Sick Kid’s Hospital.  Sooooo why didn’t we just go to a dermatologist?  Ah well.

We were told that it could be fatty deposits grouped under the mark that rise and fall under different circumstances like activity and heat which we were already noticing.  It is raised during a bath or hard play.

The dr. told us not to worry if we haven’t heard from him, it doesn’t mean that it is bad news.  He said it can take a little while to hear back from his colleague at SKH.  Once he gets a name or recommendation of how or if we need to move forward in investigating this mark, we will hear from him.

Moving forward, if we really want to know exactly what it is, we could biopsy the mark.  I really don’t feel the urge to do that unless absolutely necessary.  I would never put Maeve through any unnecessary pain.  Yes, I would like to know what it is for absolute piece of mind but if the experts are saying it’s a normal, non-cancerous, birthmark just that is just not commonly named I am okay with that opinion.  We will most certainly be keeping an eye on this.  We’ve taken measurements and photos and will be documenting as time goes on and she grows.

they are waiting for us

i was in toronto to meet my girlfriends for the day and when it was time to drive home from the heart of downtown i just headed north. i didn’t care how i got to the 4oo i was just due north.

maybe it was my subconscious controlling the wheel but i ended up driving right past our fertility clinic.

as i got closer i had butterflies in my tummy.  the feeling was excitement when i saw the big 250 (the street number plastered all over the exterior).  there wasn’t one negative feeling inside of me this time when i saw this place.

i was filled with the strangest feeling that i don’t think i have ever had before or ever will have towards anything else in this life. it was a feeling of intense longing.  almost a “home sick” feeling.  like i was missing something.  no, more like i was was missing SOMEONE. someone that i don’t even know and i was deeply saddened that they weren’t with me in that moment.

our potential future child(ren) are in that building.  pieces of our hearts are right up there on the 7th floor.


the medium

i had reading with a medium yesterday.

the first thing she said was “she (maeve) has been trying to come to you for awhile. have you had miscarriages?  she has tried to come to you before.  no matter what, she made sure to get to you”.

cue. the. water. works.

she told me maeve is an old soul.  she was actually my mother in another life and in terms of “soul age” she is older than me and my husband.

i was told that maeve will never look at me as a superior.  well no surprise there!  it’s like that already haha.  she told me that i will have to approach raising maeve more like a sister and not a mother.  i need to guide her determined ideas but not try to control or change her.  she told me that most people have an even amount of male and female guardians but in maeve’s case she has more males. 9 men and 2 women.  her personality is more masculine.  she said that is very musical.  we already knew that one!  she said the most feminine thing about her will be her musical sense.  she thought that she would have the musical ability to play by ear.  she told me to get her a keyboard or piano asap.  she told me she will struggle with what she wants to do in life (no! i am the same and it’s the worst feeling ever). she said she could see maeve as a firefighter or some other active, male dominated role.

she told me that i should have a job where i can work from home because maeve will need monitoring as she gets older.  she will have a rebellious stage in her teens. (i think that could be said for any teenager haha).  she said my only job for awhile is raising my babies.  at some point i will continue working with kids from home.

she also told me right out of the gate that another baby is coming soon.  she said she saw snapping fingers which means it will be fast this time.  my body knows what it’s doing this time and i will not suffer as much. i will not be as sick during this pregnancy. please god let that one be right!! she sees a boy and there will be some jealousy towards me during this pregnancy.  i think that may come from either of my SILs, or more specifically maybe from my husband’s sister.  her third child was another girl, she was convinced it was a boy, she was devastated, cried, was very upset at the time about it being another girl. maybe she will feel some jealousy if we have a boy?  she said we should wait until december as my husband will have work stress.  there are some changes that will eventually happen with my husband’s work but there is no timeline, as of yet.  he is set on getting the attic finished by december and that means a lot of working on the weekends and evenings so maybe that’s what she’s picking up on?  it doesn’t matter anyway because we want a spring baby so we’re trying in the fall.  if we’re not successful then you never know, we may be trying in december afterall.

she said that 14 and 5 are important numbers for me.  5 – may. we would like to try a transfer in september so we have a may baby.  she said that my spirits will be working for me to get appointments and procedures to happen at certain times because certain people (working at the clinic) are meant to be part of our journey and will increase or success.  i do have certain nurses and doctors that i am hoping we will encounter during our second try.

she said maeve will benefit from having a sibling because she needs to be “taken down a notch” hahaha.  it will help her learn that the world doesn’t revolved around her.  she told me that we would be best to only have two children as maeve is going to be a going concern and will be like raising two children.

there is so much more she told me but these are all the things she said surrounding maeve and TTC again.  i will probably post about all the other stuff too 🙂

Getting ready to try again

i can’t believe it but i was just on the website for our fertility clinic.

except for some fleeting moments here and there this past year i have really thought we would only have one child.  yes, that may be the case in the end, but right now i’m willing to try for another and i honestly never thought i would get here.

i LOVE maeve more than anything in the world. the day she was born i felt like the missing puzzle piece was finally in it’s place and i was complete.  like complete, complete. that was it. this feeling was genuine but i also think it was a bit of a defense mechanism.  not wanting more children meant that i would never have to reopen the wound of loss and infertility.

then all of a sudden, when maeve turned one, something “clicked”.  i would like to try to have another baby.  this is so hard to work out in my mind though.  wanting to try for another child almost makes me feel like i am ungrateful for the child we have.  i got my miracle so i almost feel selfish for wanting more. like i’m pushing my luck. i am also afraid that trying for another baby and failing will put a black cloud over our happiness. if we transfer all of our frozen embryos and none of the them work will i feel like we failed even though that isn’t the case! we have maeve.  we have already succeeded!  i think maybe not that we failed but that i will feel like something is missing.  i let my heart hope for a second child that didn’t happen.

i guess like everything else that goes along with TTC all we can do is try it and see and  deal with the outcomes and emotions when the time comes.

so, this week i am contacting our clinic to see what steps we need to take to get ready for a transfer this fall.



Follow-up to the birthmark post

thank you ladies for all of your supportive messages on my posting “scared“.  your comments helped me to get through the initial shock of finding this changing birthmark on Maeve.

we have an appointment in the afternoon on May 25th with a pediatrician.  It’s at our local hospital so that immediately set off alarm bells. rather than freak out silently I asked the receptionist if it is normal to be sent to the hospital for something like this?  she said that this dr. works out of his office and the hospital so it is normal for patients to go to the hospital to see him.

in the meantime, the lump within her birthmark seems to be receding. of course.  i’m glad i took pictures.

i actually took some time to look up the ped we’re going to see and most of the comments were negative.  the most noted problems were that the dr. didn’t listen to parent concerns or child background.  we don’t really have much background info to share in regards to this health issue so i’m not going to get myself too worried about this.

next update will be after our appointment.


I noted a birthmark on Maeve’s left rib cage to our family dr when she was about 3 months old. My husband had thought she’d had it from birth but I was not convinced. I understand that birthmarks can develop shortly after birth so I’m cool with aspect. What I’m not cool with is I noticed it was raised up in two separate bumps at about 6 months. I pointed it out to the dr and she measured it and said she didn’t see the bumps but we’d monitor it. We had Maeve in on Monday for her 12 immunizations and at that time she had what looked to be a bit of a yeast rash under her lip and on her vagina and legs. When we were inspecting the rash we noticed that the bumps in the birthmark were VERY pronounced. You could clearly see two separate bumps. The dr said it warranted seeing a dermatologist or pediatrician.  I had to change Maeve’s shirt after lunch today and the birthmark now has a hard raised up lump. I went numb when I saw it and touched it. I just instantly go to worse case scenario sometimes. This can not be anything more than a birthmark guys, it just can’t. CAN’T. I called the dr office and her receptionist said nothing has even been sent out for a referral. I was so upset. It can take awhile to see a pediatrician but not too long to get in with a dermatologist. I’m just so unsettled by this I just want to see someone like yesterday. I am a pretty laid back mama even after going through all of our infertility woes to have Maeve. I don’t get too worked up but this has put a queasy feeling in he pit of stomach. I’m really scared.