15 months

maeve is doing great at 15 months. her words are exploding. she’s fun and funny. she’s sleeping through the night. she’s no longer breastfeeding.

she loves being outside and playing in water.  she grabs her watering can and puts it under the nozzle of the rain barrel. she can turn on the nozzle and fill the can.  she splashes in water so it hits her face and then she giggles and giggles with her tongue hanging out.

she hugs everyone good bye and good night and she gives limitless kisses with the most perfectly puckered little lips.

she high fives.

she says  – uh-oh, no, bubbles, ball, ba-ba (milk in her bottle), wa-wa (water in her bottle), duh (dog), mommy, mommys, mama, boobies, da-da,  milk.  she points at her mouth when she wants to eat.  she understands pretty much everything i tell her – lets change your diaper, lets let the dog in, lets go out.  she leads the way to get on her change table, open the doors, put on her shoes and hat.

she dances, stomps her feet, snaps her fingers. she’s starting to sing.  laaaaaaaa haaaaaaa.

she loves to bounce. on the bed, the couch, her crib, the ground, your lap.  bounce, bounce, jump, jump!

she loves cars. she loves to throw balls. ske loves taking a rest and sitting on her chair.

she’s starting to feel fear.  the toys that make noise and move, which she once loved, are now scaring her.  she is terrified of tickle me elmo and her dump truck that rattles and flashes lights.

she babbles long interesting stories to us and laughs after each sentence.  whatever she is saying, she thinks it’s pretty funny.  her babble is repetitive, the same phrases over and over, so she most definitely is trying to talk to us.

she loves going outside. going on walks.

she still waves at everyone she sees and flirts and giggles like crazy.

she’s learned “where eyes are” and is trying to poke the dog’s eyes out all the time.  that’s not so fun.

she’s starting to do puzzles.  the ones where you match shapes.  we have a melissa and doug one that is all instruments and she dances when the music plays.

she loves her tooth brush and asks for it.  it does double duty cleaning her teeth and relieving her teething pain.

she walks around the house with her toy broom and duster. she like to sweep the floor and tickle our heads with the duster.

when she hears a siren outside she stops playing and says “oh” the she makes a siren noise “woooOOOOooooo”.

if people are cheering on t.v. she claps and cheers too.

there isn’t much walking going on anymore.  running is the way to get places. with running comes a lot more falling.  she falls pretty hard but just gets back up. her feet have also grown a fair bit and part of me thinks she’s tripping over this new found length haha.

she talks on her toy phone to nana and dada. it’s hilarious she sits on her little chair and chats away.

she’s still not a great eater.  although, her eating has gotten better since she started sleeping better through the night. also if she’s not teething she will eat fairly well. she still love pickles, turkey meat, cheerios, cereal bars, raisins, watermelon, grapes, yogurt but only if she can feed herself.

she’s just generally doing really great.  we are so proud of her every time she learns something new or puts something together in her mind and then expresses this connection to us.  she is our little genius 😉 haha

maeve is 15 months old and i’m not breastfeeding anymore

i am so proud of our 15 month old and all that she has accomplished this past month but i am really confused and sad about giving up breastfeeding.

i hosted a bachelorette party this past weekend and i was away for two days and two nights.  i breastfed maeve before her nap on friday and i really didn’t think that was going to be the last time.  we had chatted about this being “the weekend” for finishing breastfeeding. it was the perfect amount of separation and if i plan to (hopefully) be pregnant next month then we should wean her but i didn’t actually think we’d do it!

we started sleep training last weekend and maeve has been SO UNBELIEVABLY successful that i had no anxiety whatsoever about leaving her with my husband and in-laws. (for the record, i never really have anxiety about leaving her with chris as he’s an amazing dad and they are best buds for life.  I was just worried about her napping and sleeping in a different bed, in a different house with me not being there).

my MIL was able to put her down for a nap without boobies or a bottle of milk on friday afternoon with just a few minutes of crying.  that night after dinner she actually walked to the fridge, pointed at it and said “milk” to my husband.  he gave her two, 5 ounce bottles and she chugged each one.  the rest of the weekend she drank milk like a champ.

when i was finished my bachelorette weekend we met up at my SIL’s for my niece’s 5th birthday party. as soon as maeve saw me she said “boobies” and started grabbing down my shirt. my husband told me “no. you’re not allowed to feed her anymore. you’re done breastfeeding”.  it hurt my heart sooooooo badly.  i didn’t actually think i’d stop.  if it weren’t for all the people around i would just told him off and breastfed her but the topic had made it’s way through the party and i felt i couldn’t do it in front of everyone. we swam and cuddled and she had her hands down my shirt a lot.  she asked for “boobies” but i said “boobies are all done now sweetie” and distracted her.  she was whiny but actually pretty okay with it. she’d take her hand out and go on about playing.

i started to realize that this was actually it.  it’s over.

my baby doesn’t need me anymore.  what role do i play now? i could be gone forever and she wouldn’t care.  she can happily take a bottle and go to bed without soothing at the breast.  i’m meaningless now. when will this feeling of sadness, almost a loneliness, pass?

i asked my SIL when it will pass and she said it’s never passed for her.  her youngest is almost 3 and she still has the urge to pull her boob out and offer it to her children.

when i was being bit and pinched and my nipples were raw from soothing and being pulled by tiny little fingernails i wanted nothing more than to be done with breastfeeding.  now i am done with it and i am so sad i don’t know what to do with these feelings.

i am sure if i become pregnant i will be happy we made this transition but MAN, it’s terrible right now.  i just want to breastfeed her one last time.  since i know this is not good for her or me or my husband i will not do it.  i will keep up the bottle and distract and be sad and work on feeling good about this huge milestone we are all passing together.  i am still letting her reach into my shirt to “sooth” in a different way. she still needs that and honestly so do i.

Second TSH test

i had another test for my TSH done and the doctor added in the T3 and T4 test.

my TSH went down .20 to 2.08 and my T3 and T4 were within normal range and on the lower end of the scale.

Thyroid Stimulating Hormone [TSH]
0.30 – 4.00
Thyroxine Free [Free T4]
9 – 23
Triiodothyronine Free [Free T3]
3.5 – 6.5

now just waiting for my thyroid scan.

i still don’t fully understand what all of this means but thank you so much to all the of the people who have messaged me to share their thyroid experiences and numbers and help me at least start to understand what’s going on.

the baby that wouldn’t sleep, then slept, then didn’t sleep, sleeps again!

baby sleep patterns are a real son of a bitch!

we are weak and she is mighty and i actually legit thought i was going to die this past weekend.

maeve has never slept well.  always needing boobies or co-sleeping with dada to make it through the night. we gave her these things because we can’t make it through the night (or day) if we don’t sleep.

this vicious cycle has gone on for months and with our frozen embryo transfer set for next month i reached the END END END of my lack of sleep rope.

this past weekend we camped in the boler and i got a total of 8 hours of sleep over two nights.

i told my husband straight up, i’m aborting the mission. no baby #2.

i can not be pregnant if our current baby doesn’t sleep through the night. i won’t survive.

that night he started “cry it out” once again.

maeve had had one nap that day from 12-3;30.  her first time having only one nap and the longest nap she’s taken in months. the longest she ever naps for is 2 hours at a time.  we decided this was our chance and we went with it.

she went down at 8:15, 1 and half hours earlier than her normal bedtim. she cried for 15 minutes and fell asleep on her own from being wide awake.  chris went in at 3 mins, 5 mins and then was going to go in at the 10 minute mark but she fell asleep.  last time we did this sleep training thing, her first night she cried for 2 hours 20 minutes.   she woke up at 2:30 a.m. and cried for an hour.  chris went in every 10 minutes. at the one hour mark chris decided to rub her chest and help her fall back asleep and she fell asleep instantly.  she woke up at 7:30 a.m. chris got her from the nursery and she had a huge smile on her face, dancing in his arms when they came into our bedroom. she saw me and exclaimed “MOMMY. BOOBIES”  LOLOLOLOL

last night bedtime was 7:30 and it took longer with about 30 minutes of crying, going in every 12 minutes, but she fell asleep on her own once again.  she was up at 11 p.m. this time. she started to cry and her voice was so hoarse that it just broke our hearts so chris went in after a few minutes. he rubbed her chest and back to sleep she went, instantly. she cried out a few times in the night. each time chris set his alarm for 5 minutes but each time she went back to sleep within minutes. again, she was up at  7:30 a.m. with a huge smile, giving kisses and high 5s and asking for BOOBIES.

tonight she went down at 7:15 and cried for about 1o minutes at bedtime.  she woke up half an hour later and cried. i timed 10 minutes but she fell back alseep before chris got to go up.

it’s currently 10:20 p.m., we’re watching the Martian, and we’re hoping for another fairly smooth night.

i can say that with just two nights of fairly uninterrupted sleep, i already feel like a new person. and although i SWORE better sleep couldn’t make maeve a happier baby, even though all the sleep training experts told me it would, she IS happier.



thyroid – moving forward

i had an appointment with my family doctor and chatted with my fertility clinic nurse yesterday.

as far as pregnancy is concerned, my fertility doctor said my blood results do not hinder my frozen embryo transfer next month. she likes to see a TSH of no higher than 2.5 in pregnancy. i am currently at 2.28.  if i become pregnant they test the TSH on the second beta and if it is higher than 2.5 then then i will take thyroid medication during my pregnancy.

my family doctor definitely wanted to investigating the high Thyroperoxidase Antibody result of 310 (which should not be greater than 35), i had blood drawn today for the T3 free and T4 free tests.  i am having a thyroid scan done.  i missed the receptionist’s phone call about that today. i am hoping it will be soon.

i still don’t really understand what the 310 in my Thyroperoxidase Antibody test means. the nurse told me when that number is high is just means it’s a precursor to having a thyroid problem later in life.

so, all the tests.

hey, it’s just in keeping with everything else i’ve been through 😉

i think it’s a green light?

i talked to the nurse about my thyroid blood test results and she said my TSH is fine at 2.28 as they like to see it less than 2.5.  the other test she said she’d pass along to my doctor as it cam back high. that was last week and i haven’t heard anything from anyone so i will assume “no news is good news”.

i had my sonohysterograph done on tuesday morning.  the doctor and technician said my c-section scar looked like it had healed very well and it was nice and thick.  they said that my uterus was “a model uterus” and “beautiful” and it reminded of my first transfer when the doctor told me i could be a “uterus model”.  strange, but also weirdly satisfying at the time LOL.  i left with them telling me “the penthouse suite is perfectly set up for an occupant” which i thought was super cute.

so now i just wait for august and my DAY 1


thyroid function

now at lifelabs you can get your results online.

i happened to check it today and so far the results of the thyroid tests are the only ones available to view right now.

i am a little concerned and have a while to wait to hear from doctor about what it means. wondering if anyone can give a little insight on what this result may mean.

Thyroid Function
Thyroid Stimulating Hormone [TSH]
0.30 – 4.00
Thyroperoxidase Antibody
< 35
Anti-Thyroid peroxidase antibody values up to
250 kIU/L may be seen in 5-10% of the normal
population without demonstrable thyroid disease.
This incidence increases with age.