i am a fucking wreck. i can have some stretches of time where i can manage to not focus on tucker’s death but as soon as the thought comes completely into my head i am done. i get light headed. like almost on the verge of a hyperventilating panic attack but i am able to JUST keep it together.
today i thought a lot about how totally messed up it is to actually witness something die. like totally natural, no one there to walk you through it and let you know what to expect, death.
you don’t really know what is happening and you are helpless to stop it even though every fiber of your being is screaming to make it stop and you are so scared because in a split second your realize – this is death.
some messages i have received from friends and family have struck me in a certain way that makes me look at what happened from a slightly different angle. today i got a message from a friend that said “although upsetting to be there when it happened, what a gift for him that you were”. reading this it dawned on me that this is not about me and my feelings. it is about him and his. yes, it was hard and i’m struggling with processing it all, but we take on the responsibility of a life. they give us so much joy and love, they deserve for us to take the brunt of the pain. we really do owe them that.
i am riddled with guilt because in the moment, i was scared and i am having a hard time separating that i was scared of what was happening, i was not actually scared of Tucker. but because what was happening to him was so scary i do feel like in his last moments on earth i was too scared to fully embrace him. i was touching him and then jumped back a bit as he made one large final movement of stretching. did i let him down in his final moment by breaking my touch on his body? or did he leave while i was in fact comforting him and the physical movements were just the involuntary movements of death that take place in the body? this is where i am at in processing my sweet boys passing. these the dreadful thoughts that are filling my mind today. i guess it is all part of the grieving process.
i am hopeful that each day the good, loving memories of our life together will start to take over.