abs

134.4 and i have ABS again!  bahahaha

i’m about 2 pounds shy of my pre-IVF weight and i am very happy about that.  i still don’t feel up to exercising since i have a gurgle in my chest and still have some difficulties breathing but i’m wasting money on my Y membership and just want to get back in there. maybe aquafit today?  ya, definitely aquafit today.

i’m so emotional.  i didn’t cry once while waiting for IVF stimming.  i didn’t cry once during stimming.  i teared up a bit when the nurse was doing my IV for my egg retrieval and she said, “we’re going to get you that baby you’re dreaming of”.  that really hit me hard in the moment. 

now i’m 2 and a half weeks past retrieval and i’m a basket case.  i’m crying at everything and i’m getting very short tempered with my husband.

god.  it’s been over 2 years of this crap. i wish these hormones would just calm the fuck down!!!!

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recovering and regaining strength

this morning i weighed myself.  145 lbs – down 10 pounds in 48 hours.  i still have tightness in my chest and shortness of breath.  my rib cage hurts. my legs ache.  my kidney pain is bearable during the day but i was up twice to take pain killers through the night.

first day home was great and stressful.

being away from your home for a long period of time gives you new eyes when you come back to it.  it smells different than i remember. there is a weeks worth of dust, dog hair and vacuuming that i’m behind on.  there are spots on the windows, appliances and fixtures i didn’t notice before i left.

i got busy tidying and cleaning and then i realized – forget it!!   i get obsessive when it come to cleanliness and tidiness and could have gone down that rabbit hole so easily.  instead i called my friend and went to her house.

we had sushi for lunch and did errands. i needed a new doctor’s note because the intern filled out the original one noting i was off for “ovarian hyperstimulation” UM WHAT?  my work does not have to know that. my doctor’s receptionist made a new note for me but this time the header said “dr. blah, blah – OBSTETRICS AND GYNECOLOGY.  ugh. i just didn’t want any sort of indication as to why i’ve been sick.  will my work automatically think “she’s trying to get pregnant”?  probably not and my friend and my husband have assured me of it but i still don’t like it.  after our errands i napped on my friends couch and then we chatted in the early evening sun for a bit before i headed home.

hubby brought home dinner and i felt bad that i wasn’t hungry.  he brought my flowers, like he hasn’t been thoughtful enough this whole last week.

 

 2014-06-05 20.02.37 (Medium)

then i started to get really emotional.

we missed out on yet another chance to have our baby.  i have to WAIT even LONGER.  i have sit at home, alone for another week with my emotions and thoughts.  my husband loves me more than, at times, i think deserve.  my inability to get pregnant is what has put me in all these situations and my husband is the one that is forced to the be the rock.  he takes care of everything including me and i feel like a burden once again.  this wasn’t supposed to happen.

i cry because i’m so lucky.  i have so much.  i have truly, the most incredible husband.  i am so blessed and when i’m unable to take care of myself i am overwhelmed by the reality that i have someone so wonderful to be there for me.  i never take this for granted in everyday life, i always know i have a great life and partner but when i see my life and myself in this light, it’s intense.

i also find it very intense to be with myself and my thoughts when i have a setback with my fertility.  i get depressed and sad.  frustrated and angry.

one of the ways i find peace is by spending time in my garden so i’ll have lots of time to spend in there this week.  i’m not to go back to work until June 16th so i have to keep myself busy.  it’s incredible what can grow in a week.  this pic is from the day before i went into the hospital

yard (Medium)

8 days later

baskets (Medium)

hostas (Medium)

ferns (Medium)

i don’t have a photo of the veggie gardens but that’s a 2 day job right there!!

my focus is to get back on track with being happy being me.  to be happy while not trying for a baby. to be happy while knowing i am not pregnant. to be happy with life the way it is at the moment.  to be happy while waiting.

what a difference a year makes or maybe it’s just a day

this TTC moment in time and IVF cycle is so different than any other i have experienced. it’s almost impossible for me to put into words how i am feeling, which is bad because this is a blog after all… hahaha

i’m feeling so strange i can’t even figure out how to properly articulate it but here’s goes nothing – 

i am not feeling defeated and worried, but i’m also not feeling anxious or excited.  well, wait, i AM totally anxious! but not in the excited sense. it’s more like the “i’m about to explode, lets get this bull shit over with!” sense. LOL

i think the most predominant feeling this time around is annoyance and i think this is because in the last few months i have really HONESTLY and TRULY come to terms with the idea that i may not have children and i am finally okay with that.

i am annoyed because i was finally back to being good at living my life without a family and not killing my heart and soul TTC.  i literally went through HELL AND BACK to get to this stage, so while i’m in this TTC limbo it reminds me that i don’t just get to be me.

once i get pregnant that most certainly will shift to love and excitement for my baby and my future family because i have been through it 3 times before and i know this will happen with 100% certainty.  

so i guess what i’m trying to say is living life without kids i’m fine with.  being pregnant, i am over the moon about.  being in the middle where i can’t just be me and i can’t be joyful that something amazing is about to happen is what i can’t seem to get a handle on.

so because i’m not fully into (but also not fully out of) this IVF cycle i haven’t been thinking about …. anything!  no thoughts of egg numbers, egg retrieval, fertilization results or embryo numbers.  i haven’t thought about the 2ww or if i’ll even get pregnant.  i don’t think about gender, names or possible due dates.  

maybe this is just my hormonal roller coaster talking.  i mean, fuck, yesterday i was about to kill someone, rip my eye lids off and run down the road screaming like a banish with my hair aflame! 

lets see what fun tomorrow brings 🙂