this morning i weighed myself. 145 lbs – down 10 pounds in 48 hours. i still have tightness in my chest and shortness of breath. my rib cage hurts. my legs ache. my kidney pain is bearable during the day but i was up twice to take pain killers through the night.
first day home was great and stressful.
being away from your home for a long period of time gives you new eyes when you come back to it. it smells different than i remember. there is a weeks worth of dust, dog hair and vacuuming that i’m behind on. there are spots on the windows, appliances and fixtures i didn’t notice before i left.
i got busy tidying and cleaning and then i realized – forget it!! i get obsessive when it come to cleanliness and tidiness and could have gone down that rabbit hole so easily. instead i called my friend and went to her house.
we had sushi for lunch and did errands. i needed a new doctor’s note because the intern filled out the original one noting i was off for “ovarian hyperstimulation” UM WHAT? my work does not have to know that. my doctor’s receptionist made a new note for me but this time the header said “dr. blah, blah – OBSTETRICS AND GYNECOLOGY. ugh. i just didn’t want any sort of indication as to why i’ve been sick. will my work automatically think “she’s trying to get pregnant”? probably not and my friend and my husband have assured me of it but i still don’t like it. after our errands i napped on my friends couch and then we chatted in the early evening sun for a bit before i headed home.
hubby brought home dinner and i felt bad that i wasn’t hungry. he brought my flowers, like he hasn’t been thoughtful enough this whole last week.
then i started to get really emotional.
we missed out on yet another chance to have our baby. i have to WAIT even LONGER. i have sit at home, alone for another week with my emotions and thoughts. my husband loves me more than, at times, i think deserve. my inability to get pregnant is what has put me in all these situations and my husband is the one that is forced to the be the rock. he takes care of everything including me and i feel like a burden once again. this wasn’t supposed to happen.
i cry because i’m so lucky. i have so much. i have truly, the most incredible husband. i am so blessed and when i’m unable to take care of myself i am overwhelmed by the reality that i have someone so wonderful to be there for me. i never take this for granted in everyday life, i always know i have a great life and partner but when i see my life and myself in this light, it’s intense.
i also find it very intense to be with myself and my thoughts when i have a setback with my fertility. i get depressed and sad. frustrated and angry.
one of the ways i find peace is by spending time in my garden so i’ll have lots of time to spend in there this week. i’m not to go back to work until June 16th so i have to keep myself busy. it’s incredible what can grow in a week. this pic is from the day before i went into the hospital
8 days later
i don’t have a photo of the veggie gardens but that’s a 2 day job right there!!
my focus is to get back on track with being happy being me. to be happy while not trying for a baby. to be happy while knowing i am not pregnant. to be happy with life the way it is at the moment. to be happy while waiting.