Is it Christmas yet?

Christmas Minis with Bob the Boler this weekend meant I could sneak in my own family shots and I am SO excited for Christmas now!

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a busy month

we’ve been BUSY!

chris is back to work in just a couple of weeks and we are making the most of the end of his parental leave.

we have been so fortunate to be off and taking care of Maeve together for the past 5 and half months.  there have been ups and downs.  couples aren’t supposed to spend that much time together sometimes haha but at the end of the day it has been wonderful.  we have been able to live like we’re retired and do whatever we feel like at the drop of a hat and wow, how freeing that has been!

we’re almost finished the second bathroom.  chris tiled and grouted over the past few days.  i painted today and he is working on the flooring as i am typing.  update photos to come 🙂

we did fall camping for the first time in Algonquin Park last week.  we had a micro furnace in the boler and it was amazing.  i was too hot at times!  the temperature and weather was perfect for hiking. the day we left the park the sun came out and we got some awesome photos of the fall colours.

Maeve just broke her second tooth two days ago.  teething is kind of crazy in that she can only make it through the night by suckling on me.  those nights are looooong.  thank goodness it only took 3 nights this time.

We went to the apple orchard and took some photos.  fuck this kid is cute.

i won an ipad mini! our town had a photo scavenger hunt contest this summer. i downloaded the app in june and the contest ended on the monday of the labour day weekend.  i did all of my photos, 30 of them, on the last day haha my name was put in a draw with the other people that participated and lucky me, my name was drawn.  i got a gold ipad mini 4 16 GB.  so so sweet.

i am currently surrounded by piles and piles of 6-12 month clothing.  my SIL has given all of the clothes she had saved from her 3 girls.  as we reached each new age bracket a bucket gets handed over.  it’s absolutely amazing. being the last to have a baby has actually paid off LOL

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so many things

no time! i lay in bed at the end of the day and think about the blog posts i could do. i write them in my head and get really mad that i’m too tired to get up and actually write them.  then i wake up and i totally forget everything. ahaha so here is just a random grouping of “stuff” that is going on right now.

we just got back from a mini vacation in niagara falls.  we drove there on wednesday afternoon and got back yesterday at 5 p.m.  we went to celebrate my MIL’s 60th birthday and it was the first time we all got together for a trip away – my SIL, BIL and our 3 neices, MIL and FIL and our little family.  i got thinking about it and we have never all gone away together as a family before and my husband and i have been together for 9 YEARS!  it was really nice.  it’s great to just tag along and be part of the fun and not have to be “in charge”.  i feel like if you have too many expectations when it comes to going on a trip like this you will just be discouraged and disappointed so i like making a point of not having any.

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now we’re getting ready to head out again on the 13th for our road trip to milwaukee and chicago.  we’ll be gone for about 2 weeks.  i was worried about maeve and all the driving but in just a couple short weeks she is over her crying in the car seat and actually sits and plays around.  she has started to show interest in lots of things now that just last week she had no patience for.  yesterday she was looking at her car seat toys and actually reaching out to touch them.  she will sit and “talk” and smile with me.  she loves being sung to!  it’s amazing.  she makes eye contact the whole time and smiles and smiles.  i also did my first “boob dangle”.  yes, me, the head of the “itty bitty comity” got my boob in baby’s mouth while she was still in the car seat! ahhahaha  i will obviously bring my pump on the trip but just knowing that i can keep her happy in the seat without having to stop every half hour is amazing.

i am in SO MUCH PAIN in my feet, legs, knees, hips and lower back.  i have been seeing a chiropractor/message therapist and it’s nice but it’s not showing much results. i finally went to my dr. and she agreed that what i’m going through is not normal at all. so now i am waiting on results of my blood test for inflammation, protein, iron, thyroid and rheumatoid arthritis. i don’t want any of these things to be wrong with me but i kind of just want something to come back so i can know what’s wrong and start to fix it.  i feel like i’m 80 and makes me insane. i hobble out of bed. i can’t get up off the floor if i’m holding maeve. i have to do like 4 different steps just to get myself up and then get her up too.  i can’t even get into the details… it’s impossible to describe.  i forgot to mention my problem with painful sex but i recently found a post about it and got some insight from a fellow blogger as well so i at least have a couple of names i can put on it the next time i see my dr.

we are STILL RENOVATING THE UPSTAIRS BATHROOM. it’s getting so close but there are still so many things to do. not to mention all the “other stuff” that needs to get done around here.  putting a ceiling fan in maeve’s room, getting the edging installed in the gardens, getting soil and mulch, cleaning the windows, cleaning out the garage gutters, tidying the gardens, packing for the trip…. and what does my husband do… he tells his sister it’s “no problem” for him to go to her house BEFORE or trip (5 days from now) and take down her chimney stack on the roof.  cue STEAMING FUCKING ANGER.  like i can’t even look at him right now i am so mad about this.  it’s not that he’s helping her, it’s not that at all. it’s that we have so many things we need to get done and he just keeps putting it all off for another day. then it means that he’s gone a full day, like into then night full day, and i will be alone to look after maeve.  yes, i am alone looking after her most days but after 7 p.m. i need some help. i need a break. i need him here.  then he has the gull to say we never do anything to help his sister.  HE never does anything to help her.  i on the other hand have done her pregnancy, newborn, birthday and christmas pictures for all her kids for years and have never asked a favour from her (nor have we ever had and offer from her to help out with anything we have on our plates). i know i’m tired and i am overwhelmed about all the stuff we have to get done and then preparing for this big trip so i am probably reacting differently then i would if we didn’t have anything going on but why doesn’t he think about all this? i wouldn’t have made plans like this without thinking of him and our needs first but he can just do ahead and say yes to anything. oh and i am pretty sure he offered us (me) to baby sit all of our nieces sometime soon while his sis and BIL go to an event.  HE will be doing that.  i will be at home.

bitchfest over.

now on a way more positive note – it’s been a year and 3 days since this happened!

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august 5th, 2014. our sweet baby maeve was right there! our dream come true. the light of our lives.  my purest joy.

i think about where i’d be if i had given up and been too afraid to try just one more time.  it’s a very scary thought for me. i think about the phrase “remember why you started” and it is truly what kept me moving forward and got me to my FET after all we’d been through.

so, for everyone still on their TTC/IVF journey – REMEMBER WHY YOU STARTED – don’t give up on your hope. xoxoxxoxo

our potato

i’m behind quite a bit now with posts and updates.

i can easily see now how it can happen.

maeve is up a lot more in the day and is currently in “cat nap” mode so not too much gets done around here haha.  her favourite thing currently is to always be held.  gone are the days of laying peacefully on the play mat or holding her in cradle position.  she wants to see it all and she wants to see it NOW!  she found her legs a few weeks ago and always wants to be “standing”.  when being held it’s sitting up, facing outwards or else!  she is “talking” up a storm and loves to smile at us.  she is generally a happy baby (if she’s getting what she wants and doesn’t have gas).  life is getting pretty fun with her now that she is interacting and communicating with us.  one of my favourite times of the day is my bath time.  she still loves the water.  she no longer needs the sling in her tub and now happily reclines in the basin and kicks and splashes away.  she’s smiling and babbling the whole time.  i like taking the tub out to the deck under the umbrella and she can splash away and make all the wet mess she’d like.

this phase is posing a challenge for me as she literally is only happy sitting up in my arms.  well, that’s a little dramatic. i do get some time where she’s happy to lay down on her play mat or in her crib but it’s not as long as it used to be.  only a few minutes here and there before she starts yelling to be picked up.  ya, she can yell now. my arms are getting stronger!  my back is getting more sore 😉  i tried putting her in the baby einstein exersaucer but she’s still so small.  i have to wedge blankets all around her and even though she’s “standing” she’s not too happy about it.  she’s almost 3 months and almost 13 pounds so she’s just in the awkward in between stage.  we’ll get through it.  i’m sure in a few weeks when we’re on to the next phase i’ll be missing this one!

i am still having way too much fun photographing her.  my husband has actually gotten on board with it too and thinks up ideas of how to “style” her.  it’s our thing hahaha.  we are currently taking part in a community photo scavenger hunt.  we have to take photos around our community and submit them for points. this is part of our town’s goal to improve our public living spaces. of course maeve will be a part of this adventure. we already have a bunch of plans for her photo shoots hahaha.

i am feeling okay.  i have feeling very happy. no signs of baby blues or postpartum depression.  i am very happy about this as my past put me at high risk for this.  i am still at 140 lbs.  this is no surprise as i have not tried to work out or lose my baby weight in the slightest.  i talked about it previously, wanting to get the post surgery go ahead from my OB so i could get back to working out.  ya, that’s not happening haha.  yes, i am a little self conscious about my added weight but now the problem is that i am literally too sore to work out.  i feel as though i have arthritis.  my knees are KILLING me.  i can barely bend down and if i get on the floor i have to get on all fours before i can get up.  it’s insane!  my feet, ankles and shins are so sore ALL THE TIME. i have read a few threads about women having this same postpartum issue.  they all said their doctor’s tested them for rheumatoid arthritis and all the tests for it can back negative.  they said their doc’s told them “it’s just a postpartum thing” and it would be cleared up in up to 18 months.  18 MONTHS ?!  you’ve got to be effing kidding me. i do think i need to see a chiropodist.  i have had sore feet for years.  even before i was pregnant.  i spent 3 years at work on concrete floors in steal toed boots and my feet have always been sore, like since i was a little kid.

this could be a whole post on it’s own but i’ll just briefly touch on it here.  PUPPP.  my worst nightmare.  i had it for several weeks at the end my pregnancy.  it started to go away at 3 weeks postpartum.  it came back, in a nightmareishly worse form at about 7 weeks and now at 11 weeks it seems to be almost gone.  the shingles-like red, raised rash part is gone.  i got through that hell with tea tree oil based gels (active naturals and after bite gel).  i also took a homeopathic antihistamine. i am still very scaly and bumpy in places and am smoothing that out with galaxal base cream.  i am a little concerned as i have been very, very itchy the past few days….no sign of a fresh rash starting up again though so that’s good.  the skin where the rash was it not back to normal.  it’s very smooth and shiny.  almost like a burn that is healing.  it’s hard to describe.  also, when i scratch it now it burns afterwards for quite awhile.

well the little potato is waking up now i’ll just leave you with some recent photos 🙂

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up at nana’s house

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oma’s birthday

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play mat and tummy time – awesome garage sale find $7!! (normally $65)

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camping at Pinery – Grand Bend, ON

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baby stimulation.  maeve loves looking at her shapes!

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more camping at Pinery.  first family camping trip – great success! xoxox

#3 and #4

i just got off the phone with my mom and we talked about a lot of stuff but she mentioned that my brother was on the phone with her and my dad the other night and he was talking about “baby #3”.

this took my parents aback because my brother has always been a “2 kids, that’s it!” guy. unfortunately my SIL is one of 6 kids and she has always thought otherwise.  although, we’ve talked a lot over the past few months and she had agreed, 2 is enough but she mentioned that if i got pregnant it would definitely spark her desire for another baby.

then we were at my other SIL’s last weekend for her second child’s 3rd birthday.  she had baby #3 last september and although she wanted 4 kids she said she thought she’d be happy with the 3.  she also mentioned that they would revisit it at 12 or 18 months and decide for sure.  well it’s almost the 12 month mark and my BIL said that my SIL is pushing HARD for baby #4.

so here i am, 6 days away from my FET and i feel completely gutted at the moment because there are two ways this will play out and my gut is dropping with dread that it will play out as it has for the past 4 years.

1.  i will get pregnant and my SIL’s with 2 and 3 kids already will get jealous/envious/maternal and will both get pregnant with their 3rd and 4th children.

and i should say, i’m fine with this one.  the more the merrier i love my nieces and would love to finally have a nephew.

OR  – AND THIS IS THE ONE THAT IS MAKING ME SICK –

2.  i will fail yet another attempt to finally have a child and my SIL’s will both get pregnant in a few months with babies #3 and #4.

i honestly just have the worst sinking feeling right now.  i don’t know if i could handle that.  i’ve been so good thinking if it doesn’t happen for us this time i’m okay.  i will not be devastated i will just try again.  we have lots of embryos to work with and it will happen.

i never stopped to think that my SIL’s may have more babies and i still will have none.  that i don’t know if i can handle emotionally.

i was in a really good head space, now i feel like i’m in a race and it’s a race i always lose.

 

 

 

oh brother

my brother and his wife are officially living in Ontario.

i was in the city friday night for my monthly “Society of Beer Drinking Ladies” event and knew they were moving in to their new place on saturday.  i knew if i called and asked if i could come over or if i could and help my brother would say no.  he is a worrier and a planner.  so he would have had an idea of exactly how the day was going to go (this would have been planned in his mind weeks in advance). so me calling and asking to come over would have thrown off his plans and he would have made up excuses and been negative about me stopping in. so i didn’t call and just showed up unannounced.

it was a good thing i trusted my instincts (and my heart screaming at me that i had to go see my nieces) because they were all near the end of their ropes and i ended up actually being a bit of a life saver at that moment.

i took the girls and played in another room while they got both of their cribs put together and their rooms organized. i helped them get their bedroom in order and while they fed the girls i went out and got dinner and wine.

when the girls were bathed and put to bed we sat and ate and my brother expressed his gratitude for my help.  it was a really nice feeling to have him acknowledge that my presence was helpful.

my brother has been living outside of the province for a long time. he has learned to just do things his way and thinks more people make more problems.  in some cases this is true but i think my presence yesterday may be a start to him realizing that family is a thing that is there to love, support and help you.  it’s not a hindrance or an annoyance.

survived

it was another busy weekend!

no physical activity but lots of visits, running around and dealing with anxiety.

my girlfriends came over in the afternoon on saturday but my morning was filled with running around trying to get sugar cookies made for my niece’s baptism on sunday.

i got ready to make the cookies and realized i didn’t have enough butter.  so off to the store i go.  i get home, make the dough and then have to let it sit.  i’m going through my icing supplies and FUCK no meringue powder for the royal icing.  this was my breaking point!  after two weeks of driving all over hell’s half acre trying to find the damn cross shaped cookie cutter for these cookies, going out for the butter, getting ready to entertain 4 girlfriends for the night i was just at my wits end. i called my hubby down to the kitchen and told him my dilemma.  thank goodness for a very understanding hubby, he got in the car to go get me the powder.  i stayed home and got the cookies baking.  yada, yada, yada  got all the cookies made, had all the ingredient for the royal icing, decorated the cookies (which took  FOREVER!) and after that i was DONE!

oh and i forgot to mention, my girlfriend and her 6 month old baby girl sat on my kitchen floor while i did all this…. thank goodness for a very understanding girlfriend!!

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just as my other 3 girlfriends arrived i was all tidied up and ready for a serious girl’s night.

the night was lovely.  5 years ago my girlfriend became a police officer.  i bought a bottle of wine and said she had to save it and we’d celebrate her 5 years of service with that bottle.  this year is year 5 and to all our surprise…it aged perfectly!  the best part, i didn’t know but she bought a new bottle of red wine and passed the tradition on to our girlfriend that had a baby this year. so now, in 5 years, we’ll get together to enjoy that bottle and see who gets the next one.  i love when an unexpected tradition begins xox.

we ate, we drank, we went in the hot tub, we played cards against humanity.  it was a great night.

sunday morning i was dead.  i was so relaxed from the hot tub session i felt like i had no strength in my joints. it’s a great feeling but also an awful feeling hahaha.  we had to leave around 11:30 for our niece’s baptism so i showered, got dressed and was all set to go. it was pretty funny sitting with my friends still in the pj with full on bedhead while i was in a dress, blazer, hair done and make-uped up hahaha

again, thank goodness for an amazing husband.  he was in the kitchen making a huge breakfast spread.  time went by too fast though and by the time is was done, we had to get out the door! i made him a quick breakfast sandwich and we bolted.  leaving the clean up for my friends… hahaha, well it’s the least they could do 😉

the baptism was very nice and thankfully pretty fast. there were 5 babies.  i always think i may dread these situations but once i’m in it i do pretty well. i busied myself with chatting with friends and family and during the ceremony i took pictures.  afterwards was a very nice time at my brother and sister-in-law’s. i was able to really catch up with some friends and enjoy all the yummy food that goes along with such gatherings.  the cookies were a huge hit, which made me very happy. although it’s a lot of work and emotionally trying to do, i am happy i was able to contribute to the celebration.

mid way through the visit i started to get a little tired of everyone staring at the baby and commenting on how wonderful she is and how cute and how well behaved and happy.  ya, ya, she’s great… we get it.  i always seem to have a bit of “down time” at some point in these visits.  you are never far away from your infertility thoughts.  but you know what, she is a great baby. so sweet and good tempered.  i took her off to a room on my own and got a great shot of her for her thank you cards.

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as we were heading out the door my brother in law told us a story of a huge blow up he’d had with his brother and brother’s wife just a few days before.  they each have kids that are about 2 1/2.  they have grown up together and are always interacting.  apparently for a while now their boy has been very rough with my niece and is constantly stealing toys and hitting her.  i guess my bro in law had had enough and commented on the issues.  then the WILD confrontation ensued. he mentioned that they weren’t disciplining their son properly and he is an ill behaved child (i will vouch, he’s pretty wild and demanding).  i guess tempers flared and the end result was their pregnant sister in law actually coming at them first flailing!  OMG.

i always think i’m missing out because our siblings all have kids.  all of the cousin’s are always together and they seem to have a bond that is really special. i have often felt sad that our kids won’t have the same bond and that we don’t get to connect with my brother and my sister and brother in law.

after this story, i am really realizing that the grass isn’t always greener and distance really does make the heart grow fonder!  at least my husband and i can always look back on events and have fond, happy, tension free memories.

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conversations you never thought you’d have with your big bro

bro 36 – me almost 31 😉

hey – hey

i tried calling you yesterday – ya i saw that, i was a total sleep zombie so i was going to call you back tonight.

mom told me you’d probably be pretty out of it – oh ya.  total mess.

are you okay? are you feeling better now? – ya now that the “monster” problem is over i feel a lot better. i am still in pain though.

that’s not good. what’s going on moving forward? – well time for the “TMI” part of the conversation.  i finally started my period today.

sweet. that’s awesome! – ya, we’re pretty excited.

so like a few weeks and then go time?  keep me posted – ya. it’s pretty crazy. i will.

k well i’m going to get going here, i’m home now. love you – love you too.

Angels

Angels

today we travelled to the town over from where i grew up and the place my parent’s had first moved to when they ventured north from the city back in the 60’s. after doing an errand for my dad i remembered that the twins my parent’s had lost in 1975 were buried in a cemetery we passed on the way. my grandmother (that i had never met) was is also buried there.
i ask my husband if he minded if we stopped. i didn’t quite remember where the plots were, it had been years since my mom had shown me, but we decided to take a look.
it’s not large and i was able to find the stones within a few minutes of walking around.
when i first saw the stone for the twins, my breath caught in my lungs and a lump began to from in my throat. such a sad moment when you read your last name on a tiny grave stone with only a year to mark the passing.
if these two precious baby girls had lived, i would not be here. a very humbling thought.
when i found the stone i called to my husband that i had found it and asked him to grab my phone. i had a moment with the girls and took a photo. just as i finished taking the photo the phone rang. we were expecting a phone call from the embryologist. it was him, he informed us that the 2 day 4 embryos had made it to day 5 and were “beautiful blasts” and they were going to go ahead with freezing them. he told us he would call again tomorrow with one more update on the 3 others that they were watching and that he was hopeful that they would get more BB’s to freeze on monday.
relieved by this call my husband and i embraced and gave a small sigh of relief. if yesterdays embryo transfer didn’t take we had two more chances (at least). we then realized that the embryologist had religiously called us at 11 a.m. all week with our up-dates and and this call happened much earlier.
i am not a superstitious person but i just have to let myself believe that there was a reason we got that phone call early today

in loving memory of the big sisters i didn’t get to know but have always loved.
kerry and sharon hodge
september 1974 – march, 1975