well this is embarssing

i cried my face off for so many reasons when i got the NO – this morning.

i called my husband and cried to him and we talked about our feelings regarding a failed transfer.  we know that our lives are awesome with maeve and we are truly happy and grateful to have her and our little family.  we talked about just living life for a while before we think about what to do with those 3 frozen embryos.  we just paid the annual fee to keep them frozen and we will know for certain if we will want to try again for another baby before this year is out.

i texted a friend to let her now i got a negative just to let someone else know.

then i went to the washroom and the digital test with NO –  was staring up at me from the trash can.

then i thought about opening the digital test.

when you crack them open they just have the normal test strip inside that has a control line and then obviously the second line if it’s positive.

i cracked it open and found this

the “nick” in the center was from me tearing the paper when i was taking the strip out of the test holder.  the second line is to the left of the nick. i would say that is a pretty good faint line.

damnit. i’m embarrassed guys. fucking hormones! let’s see what the first beta number is on thursday.

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omg, the medium was right

i totally got chills during my first appointment back at our fertility clinic this afternoon and it’s because THE MEDIUM WAS RIGHT!

i had totally forgotten about this little (seemingly incorrect) prediction, until my doctor started to tell me about the “A Protocol” i’d be using this time for our frozen embryo transfer.

i am still nursing maeve so instead of using estrace (estrogen) to thicken my lining, i will be monitored during my own natural cycle to time the transfer with my own ovulation. the medium had predicted that this cycle would be “natural” and “easier” this time.  i had dismissed her saying that we had done IVF and our embryos were frozen and everything was very medicated and manipulated.  that we before i knew about “A Protocol” and also before i knew that my clinic had branched out and has a clinic closer to me!

so, i will get my period here in a few days and  i will go between days 5-12 to check my uterine cavity.  this will be done in a city just 30 minutes away from me.  then once my august period starts i will call in my day one and my monitoring will take place in a city just 40 minutes away.  my follicles and uterine lining will be monitored starting on day 17 (due to my long cycles). once they see a follicle at the correct size i will take the HCG trigger shot to force ovulation. i will then take prometrium suppositories for 6 days and transfer one embryo on day 7.

more natural and easy, just like the medium said it would be.

now what else did she tell me…

they are waiting for us

i was in toronto to meet my girlfriends for the day and when it was time to drive home from the heart of downtown i just headed north. i didn’t care how i got to the 4oo i was just due north.

maybe it was my subconscious controlling the wheel but i ended up driving right past our fertility clinic.

as i got closer i had butterflies in my tummy.  the feeling was excitement when i saw the big 250 (the street number plastered all over the exterior).  there wasn’t one negative feeling inside of me this time when i saw this place.

i was filled with the strangest feeling that i don’t think i have ever had before or ever will have towards anything else in this life. it was a feeling of intense longing.  almost a “home sick” feeling.  like i was missing something.  no, more like i was was missing SOMEONE. someone that i don’t even know and i was deeply saddened that they weren’t with me in that moment.

our potential future child(ren) are in that building.  pieces of our hearts are right up there on the 7th floor.

 

the medium

i had reading with a medium yesterday.

the first thing she said was “she (maeve) has been trying to come to you for awhile. have you had miscarriages?  she has tried to come to you before.  no matter what, she made sure to get to you”.

cue. the. water. works.

she told me maeve is an old soul.  she was actually my mother in another life and in terms of “soul age” she is older than me and my husband.

i was told that maeve will never look at me as a superior.  well no surprise there!  it’s like that already haha.  she told me that i will have to approach raising maeve more like a sister and not a mother.  i need to guide her determined ideas but not try to control or change her.  she told me that most people have an even amount of male and female guardians but in maeve’s case she has more males. 9 men and 2 women.  her personality is more masculine.  she said that is very musical.  we already knew that one!  she said the most feminine thing about her will be her musical sense.  she thought that she would have the musical ability to play by ear.  she told me to get her a keyboard or piano asap.  she told me she will struggle with what she wants to do in life (no! i am the same and it’s the worst feeling ever). she said she could see maeve as a firefighter or some other active, male dominated role.

she told me that i should have a job where i can work from home because maeve will need monitoring as she gets older.  she will have a rebellious stage in her teens. (i think that could be said for any teenager haha).  she said my only job for awhile is raising my babies.  at some point i will continue working with kids from home.

she also told me right out of the gate that another baby is coming soon.  she said she saw snapping fingers which means it will be fast this time.  my body knows what it’s doing this time and i will not suffer as much. i will not be as sick during this pregnancy. please god let that one be right!! she sees a boy and there will be some jealousy towards me during this pregnancy.  i think that may come from either of my SILs, or more specifically maybe from my husband’s sister.  her third child was another girl, she was convinced it was a boy, she was devastated, cried, was very upset at the time about it being another girl. maybe she will feel some jealousy if we have a boy?  she said we should wait until december as my husband will have work stress.  there are some changes that will eventually happen with my husband’s work but there is no timeline, as of yet.  he is set on getting the attic finished by december and that means a lot of working on the weekends and evenings so maybe that’s what she’s picking up on?  it doesn’t matter anyway because we want a spring baby so we’re trying in the fall.  if we’re not successful then you never know, we may be trying in december afterall.

she said that 14 and 5 are important numbers for me.  5 – may. we would like to try a transfer in september so we have a may baby.  she said that my spirits will be working for me to get appointments and procedures to happen at certain times because certain people (working at the clinic) are meant to be part of our journey and will increase or success.  i do have certain nurses and doctors that i am hoping we will encounter during our second try.

she said maeve will benefit from having a sibling because she needs to be “taken down a notch” hahaha.  it will help her learn that the world doesn’t revolved around her.  she told me that we would be best to only have two children as maeve is going to be a going concern and will be like raising two children.

there is so much more she told me but these are all the things she said surrounding maeve and TTC again.  i will probably post about all the other stuff too 🙂

Getting ready to try again

i can’t believe it but i was just on the website for our fertility clinic.

except for some fleeting moments here and there this past year i have really thought we would only have one child.  yes, that may be the case in the end, but right now i’m willing to try for another and i honestly never thought i would get here.

i LOVE maeve more than anything in the world. the day she was born i felt like the missing puzzle piece was finally in it’s place and i was complete.  like complete, complete. that was it. this feeling was genuine but i also think it was a bit of a defense mechanism.  not wanting more children meant that i would never have to reopen the wound of loss and infertility.

then all of a sudden, when maeve turned one, something “clicked”.  i would like to try to have another baby.  this is so hard to work out in my mind though.  wanting to try for another child almost makes me feel like i am ungrateful for the child we have.  i got my miracle so i almost feel selfish for wanting more. like i’m pushing my luck. i am also afraid that trying for another baby and failing will put a black cloud over our happiness. if we transfer all of our frozen embryos and none of the them work will i feel like we failed even though that isn’t the case! we have maeve.  we have already succeeded!  i think maybe not that we failed but that i will feel like something is missing.  i let my heart hope for a second child that didn’t happen.

i guess like everything else that goes along with TTC all we can do is try it and see and  deal with the outcomes and emotions when the time comes.

so, this week i am contacting our clinic to see what steps we need to take to get ready for a transfer this fall.

 

 

12 months

Maeve is one year and 3 days old today.

It is incredible to look back on pictures and video of her in her first few days of life.  How incredible to see how much a child grows, changes and learns in such a short amount of time.

I most certainly miss my tiny little baby girl.  So new, fresh, sweet, innocent.  Those early months were truly just filled with pure love and happiness.  I was euphoric. We made so many memories this summer and fall.  Family trips, camping, spending quality time together just basking in the joy of finally having our little family.  Maeve has always been a happy, content baby. Up for anything as long as she felt she was part of the action.

At the six month mark my post pregnancy hormones started to take a dip.  Winter hit and I was faced with my normal seasonal low coming on.  Maeve was a teething machine from 4-9 months with the stretch from 6-9 being the hardest.  She was a terrible sleeper and everyone was tired and stressed.  Sleep training attempts failed, my patience was tested, i was not happy most of the time.  I didn’t feel like the mom I wanted to be or had previously been.  I was definitely suffering from some late PPD.  We worked through the challenges slowly and I focused on looking for the good aspects of each day. We gave sleep training a 3rd try.  This is when everything started to turn around.  Maeve was finally on a break from teething and everyone was emotionally strong enough to work on more independence at night time. She learned to crawl on New Year’s day.  She took her first steps at the beginning of March (10 months 7 days).  She has just been learning non stop since then and life is back on track.

These days I spend all of my time in awe of her. Everyday I wonder how I can live with aching love in my heart.  It’s hard to contain.  I feel like I am on the verge of tears (of love and happiness) at any given moment.

Maeve is such a happy baby and I hear wonderful things from everyone that meets and knows her.  She dances every time she hears music.  She hugs and kisses all of the other kids she meets.  She doesn’t need time to warm up to them, she just instantly loves every friend she meets. I get the most compliments on her personality from the ladies that watch her at the Y while I work out.  They just love her and it makes my heart very happy. She waves at everyone.  No matter what gender, colour, ability. Everyone is a good and a friend that is she happy to meet and interact with.  It warms my heart to see the pureness of her heart at this young age.  This is a quality you don’t see in most people and I hope this is a trait she will keep as she grows up.  She loves to clap and blow kiss.

The rate at which she is learning is staggering!  I know all parents are in awe of their children and are proud of everything they do but this child is honestly so smart.  She is curious and up to trying everything.  She watches you and instantly it’s her turn to try to do it too.

In the last week she has learned where her belly button is, where her toes are, how to tell us she is “all done” (sign language hand motions).  Just today she blew my mind when she was breastfeeding and then did the hand action of “all done”, unlatched, got down and started playing. WHAAA??!

We gave her a kitchen set for her birthday and she knows to get the pot – with the lid – the frying pan and utensils and she “stirs the pots and pans” on the stove top. HOW?!?! how can she have a toy for 8 hours and know this?  Yes, she watches me cook pretty much every meal from the high chair but that learning curve is STEEP people.

She “talks” all day.  This kid wants to talk so badly.  We are on pins and needles waiting to see what her actual first word(s) will be.  Right now, however, she is mimicking tones like crazy.  It is babble for sure but the formation of sounds are so much like words or short two or three word sentences.  I don’t really know how to describe it properly. It sounds like words but it’s not words.  You definitely do a double a take like, “that sounded like… this or that… didn’t it”?!  If you’re thinking were crazy, overly proud parents that are grasping at straws, we’re not the only people of have heard it. LOL.

These days the adventures are non stop and we continue to just be so grateful for IVF and the magic it was able to bring to our lives.   I am so happy we didn’t give up hope (although there were many MANY times I wanted to).  I am happy we persevered.   We had a vision of a family and we powered through many terrible days and we are now living the best days of our lives.

xox

so many things

no time! i lay in bed at the end of the day and think about the blog posts i could do. i write them in my head and get really mad that i’m too tired to get up and actually write them.  then i wake up and i totally forget everything. ahaha so here is just a random grouping of “stuff” that is going on right now.

we just got back from a mini vacation in niagara falls.  we drove there on wednesday afternoon and got back yesterday at 5 p.m.  we went to celebrate my MIL’s 60th birthday and it was the first time we all got together for a trip away – my SIL, BIL and our 3 neices, MIL and FIL and our little family.  i got thinking about it and we have never all gone away together as a family before and my husband and i have been together for 9 YEARS!  it was really nice.  it’s great to just tag along and be part of the fun and not have to be “in charge”.  i feel like if you have too many expectations when it comes to going on a trip like this you will just be discouraged and disappointed so i like making a point of not having any.

2015-08-05 15.48.48 2015-08-05 20.25.07 2015-08-05 20.38.26 2015-08-05 21.08.18 2015-08-05 21.13.26 2015-08-05 21.26.38 2015-08-06 14.36.16 2015-08-06 20.20.53 2015-08-06 20.31.13 2015-08-06 20.31.37 2015-08-06 20.34.02 2015-08-06 20.36.16-1 2015-08-06 21.20.05 2015-08-06 21.23.59 2015-08-07 08.17.11 2015-08-07 08.22.48 2015-08-07 08.50.08 2015-08-07 08.53.11 2015-08-07 11.26.24 2015-08-07 11.49.33 2015-08-07 11.52.02 2015-08-07 12.11.14

now we’re getting ready to head out again on the 13th for our road trip to milwaukee and chicago.  we’ll be gone for about 2 weeks.  i was worried about maeve and all the driving but in just a couple short weeks she is over her crying in the car seat and actually sits and plays around.  she has started to show interest in lots of things now that just last week she had no patience for.  yesterday she was looking at her car seat toys and actually reaching out to touch them.  she will sit and “talk” and smile with me.  she loves being sung to!  it’s amazing.  she makes eye contact the whole time and smiles and smiles.  i also did my first “boob dangle”.  yes, me, the head of the “itty bitty comity” got my boob in baby’s mouth while she was still in the car seat! ahhahaha  i will obviously bring my pump on the trip but just knowing that i can keep her happy in the seat without having to stop every half hour is amazing.

i am in SO MUCH PAIN in my feet, legs, knees, hips and lower back.  i have been seeing a chiropractor/message therapist and it’s nice but it’s not showing much results. i finally went to my dr. and she agreed that what i’m going through is not normal at all. so now i am waiting on results of my blood test for inflammation, protein, iron, thyroid and rheumatoid arthritis. i don’t want any of these things to be wrong with me but i kind of just want something to come back so i can know what’s wrong and start to fix it.  i feel like i’m 80 and makes me insane. i hobble out of bed. i can’t get up off the floor if i’m holding maeve. i have to do like 4 different steps just to get myself up and then get her up too.  i can’t even get into the details… it’s impossible to describe.  i forgot to mention my problem with painful sex but i recently found a post about it and got some insight from a fellow blogger as well so i at least have a couple of names i can put on it the next time i see my dr.

we are STILL RENOVATING THE UPSTAIRS BATHROOM. it’s getting so close but there are still so many things to do. not to mention all the “other stuff” that needs to get done around here.  putting a ceiling fan in maeve’s room, getting the edging installed in the gardens, getting soil and mulch, cleaning the windows, cleaning out the garage gutters, tidying the gardens, packing for the trip…. and what does my husband do… he tells his sister it’s “no problem” for him to go to her house BEFORE or trip (5 days from now) and take down her chimney stack on the roof.  cue STEAMING FUCKING ANGER.  like i can’t even look at him right now i am so mad about this.  it’s not that he’s helping her, it’s not that at all. it’s that we have so many things we need to get done and he just keeps putting it all off for another day. then it means that he’s gone a full day, like into then night full day, and i will be alone to look after maeve.  yes, i am alone looking after her most days but after 7 p.m. i need some help. i need a break. i need him here.  then he has the gull to say we never do anything to help his sister.  HE never does anything to help her.  i on the other hand have done her pregnancy, newborn, birthday and christmas pictures for all her kids for years and have never asked a favour from her (nor have we ever had and offer from her to help out with anything we have on our plates). i know i’m tired and i am overwhelmed about all the stuff we have to get done and then preparing for this big trip so i am probably reacting differently then i would if we didn’t have anything going on but why doesn’t he think about all this? i wouldn’t have made plans like this without thinking of him and our needs first but he can just do ahead and say yes to anything. oh and i am pretty sure he offered us (me) to baby sit all of our nieces sometime soon while his sis and BIL go to an event.  HE will be doing that.  i will be at home.

bitchfest over.

now on a way more positive note – it’s been a year and 3 days since this happened!

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august 5th, 2014. our sweet baby maeve was right there! our dream come true. the light of our lives.  my purest joy.

i think about where i’d be if i had given up and been too afraid to try just one more time.  it’s a very scary thought for me. i think about the phrase “remember why you started” and it is truly what kept me moving forward and got me to my FET after all we’d been through.

so, for everyone still on their TTC/IVF journey – REMEMBER WHY YOU STARTED – don’t give up on your hope. xoxoxxoxo

real fear

feeling a little blah today.  just need to release a little…

i don’t feel real fear.  

i don’t like heights so being on a ladder helping my husband work on the roof last week was a bit panic inducing but i’m talking about REAL fear, the kind that leaves your limbs numb and tingling and you paralyzed in your tracks.

with my ultrasound now officially scheduled for next wednesday i am starting to have moments of REAL fear sweep over me. 

i have never had a good pregnancy ultrasound.  they have always ended in devastating, heart crushing sadness.  the feeling that puts me in a trance, unable to understand how my legs are still holding me up, or how my lungs could possibly still be taking in air.  One moment i’m in a dark, warm, buzzing room then i blink and the nurse is telling me “i’m so sorry…”.

this should be an exciting time. something i look forward to but for once in all the years i’ve been enduring this never ending “waiting game” i just want to wait a little longer so i can keep being blissfully ignorant that everything is okay.

to make matters a bit worse (ya, it’s possible to get a bit worse), i have to have the ultrasound done at an independent clinic so i won’t get to see anything or get any news!  i have to lie there, looking at the blank face of the technician, get up and leave with no report.

will that actually make it easier?  maybe?!

i just hate thinking that everything could finally be good and i won’t even get to see or hear our little miracle…?

 

 

wake-up call

*pregnancy and beta discussed*

 

 

 

i noticed on the drunkstork’s posts that she always puts a disclaimer at the beginning when talking about betas or pregnancy.  i feel like a bit of an asshole because i don’t do that and i want to apologize to anyone i’ve may have triggered with my thoughtlessness.  xox

the nurse last sunday said that she was only calling early because they had an extra person in the office that morning and could get to phone calls quicker than usual.  she said that for the sunday after my third beta the phone call would be coming in the afternoon.

even though she said that, i slept with my phone on my bed side table last night hahaha.

good thing i did because at 7:34 it started ringing and in a kind of a awake/kind of still trying to sleep state i looked and it said “unknown”.

in that instant my adrenaline kicked in and although i didn’t want to hear the news i couldn’t wait to hear the news and it was time to face the music.

it was francis, the nurse i had when i discovered my blighted ovum, so it brought back some emotions hearing her voice giving me this news.

turns out my numbers rose to

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my calculations of a doubling time every 48 was around 1100 and the nurse last week said anything over 600 would be a good sign so francis said 2600 is an amazing number and shows that things are progressing very well.

of course i was very happy with the news and my heart was beating out of my chest!  she asked me how i was feeling and i told her i actually wasn’t feeling too much just a few moments of sickness after lunch and some sleepiness around 9 p.m. she told me not to worry and reminded that just because i’m pregnant doesn’t mean i have to be tortured by it!  true true!  i think with this being my 4th pregnancy my body knows what’s going on and is maybe finally cool with all the hormones coursing through it …? hahaha.

so now we wait…again hahaha.  my first ultrasound will be september 3rd. i will be 6w6d.

i am going to enjoy everyday of my last week of summer vacation and will be very happy when september 3rd arrives.

still cautiously moving forward with each step but definitely a lot more relieved.

🙂

you can crack those suckers open?!?

i am so mentally insane that even though i am one day away from my 3rd beta test, i decided to do the second HPT sitting under my bathroom sink this morning.  it is digital but it doesn’t show your HCG in weeks so why would i do this?

WHY WOULD I DO THAT?!…. (who fucking knows!).

anyway, as i waited for it to develop, i was reading the instructions on the HPT box and read that each digital test contains a battery.  i don’t how i thought those things worked, (magic, to be honest, i thought they worked off magic), turns out it’s a watch battery.  the manufacturer says that you have to crack open the HPT to retrieve the battery and dispose of it properly rather than just throwing it in your regular garbage.

after the test developed i saw a  YES + but i also saw ” ? ” flicker a couple of times on the screen and when i turned the test on an angle i could see the ? faintly in the screen.

i freaked out!

i thought it was showing the ? this time with the YES + was because it was struggling to find the HCG in my urine. i got light headed and couldn’t stop staring at it.  so i did what any rationally thinking, normal woman would do, i shoved it back in the box, put it under the sink and walked to my computer.

i was looking up “first response HPT positive and question mark” and found a website with HPT photos on it.  i was curious so i started scrolling to see people’s tests and then i started to see pictures of the digital HPTs cracked open. i have never once thought about what is going on inside a digital HPT and was surprised to find this – 

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as you can see i ran back down to the bathroom, grabbed the test and saw that the ? had disappeared and the internal test showed a pretty good line there but i don’t know…. should the results be as dark as the control line by now? has anyone actually gotten a test line as dark as a control line?

to try and relax i have been reading “low beta, successful pregnancy” forums for encouragement, but man oh man, am i ever freaking out about yet another shaky start to pregnancy.

beta #3 tomorrow morning… then the waiting until sunday afternoon… i am really fucking nervous.