Maeve is 2

our wild little sweetie is 2.

i can totally believe it and not believe it, if that makes any sense?

maeve is totally wild and stubborn and challenges us on many, many things but she is equally as loving and thoughtful and kind and i feel like my heart could explode many times in the day.

her new thing now is whenever she has to leave the room, even if she is just going to the next room to get a toy or go up stairs to get dressed with daddy, she has to come give me a “nice kiss” a “nice hug” and tell me “see you soon mommy!”.  i could just die every time. i never want her to stop doing this.

she likes to talk about emotions.  she will say “mommy so happy”  or  “daddy so happy” when we’re doing different things throughout the day.  she started saying “maeve so sad” and making a sad face recently and i didn’t know why she would be saying this at first.  i would tell her i don’t want her to be sad and would give her a kiss and hug to help her feel happy. then i realized she got Scout for her birthday and he says “i’m sad, i need a hug”.  she was saying this so she could get extra hugs and snuggles. once we called her out on it she got a sheepish grin on her face and nodded that that is exactly what she was doing.  what a girl! LOL

she loves to sing!  wheels on the bus, old mcdonald, twinkle twinkle, rock a bye baby are her number ones.  she is starting say chunks of the alphabet song and “la las” the parts she is not sure about. she is counting 1-10 and is starting to say 11, 12, 13, 14.  she is on a kick with just saying 2, 3, 6 all the time. not sure what it means but it is definitely an important combo for her right now haha.

she is doing ballet and gymnastics and going to “school” (montessori) two days a week. she is growing up so much and we are so proud of her.

she is stubborn and challenging.  she knows how to get what she wants but not in a bratty way (yet!).  she just knows if she asks we’re likely to let her do things because, hey, why not! we only have her.  her favourite is “MAEVE COMING!” she wants in on the action at all times. and really, unless it completely unsafe, which it never is, why can’t she be coming along?  she loves to help daddy  do “fixing”. just give her the measuring tape and screw driver and she thinks she is doing the job herself.

at school she loves playing outside (obvi!), doing sorting games, playing at the pouring station and playing in the discovery bin.  she does cutting in the kitchen station and loves to  hug her friends and teachers.  she has always been so affectionate. i love this quality about her. everyone is a friend.

her birthday was a “Rock Star” party and she had an absolute blast!  we built a stage and got her a little drum set.  she was rocking out HARD all day and was so amazing at sharing her things with all of her friends and cousins.  it was over a week ago and she still says “maeve a rock star”, “mommy a rock star”. we do concerts everyday and she loves when i sing in the microphone. she keeps saying “maeve birthday coming up soon” and gets so sad when i tell her that her birthday has passed. she wants to have another party! takes after her mommy!

we could not be more proud of the little person she has become.  she is destined for great things and i can’t believe i get to be her mom and join her on her journey through life.

thyroid function

now at lifelabs you can get your results online.

i happened to check it today and so far the results of the thyroid tests are the only ones available to view right now.

i am a little concerned and have a while to wait to hear from doctor about what it means. wondering if anyone can give a little insight on what this result may mean.

Flags
Results
Reference
Units
Thyroid Function
Thyroid Stimulating Hormone [TSH]
2.28
0.30 – 4.00
mIU/L
Thyroperoxidase Antibody
HI
310
< 35
kIU/L
Anti-Thyroid peroxidase antibody values up to
250 kIU/L may be seen in 5-10% of the normal
population without demonstrable thyroid disease.
This incidence increases with age.

 

they are waiting for us

i was in toronto to meet my girlfriends for the day and when it was time to drive home from the heart of downtown i just headed north. i didn’t care how i got to the 4oo i was just due north.

maybe it was my subconscious controlling the wheel but i ended up driving right past our fertility clinic.

as i got closer i had butterflies in my tummy.  the feeling was excitement when i saw the big 250 (the street number plastered all over the exterior).  there wasn’t one negative feeling inside of me this time when i saw this place.

i was filled with the strangest feeling that i don’t think i have ever had before or ever will have towards anything else in this life. it was a feeling of intense longing.  almost a “home sick” feeling.  like i was missing something.  no, more like i was was missing SOMEONE. someone that i don’t even know and i was deeply saddened that they weren’t with me in that moment.

our potential future child(ren) are in that building.  pieces of our hearts are right up there on the 7th floor.

 

and it starts

i’m googling!  

i haven’t googled about anything related to IVF or TTC in a really long time and i don’t like that i am doing this right now.

it’s just, my last two scans have kind of made my rose coloured glasses slip down my nose a bit.

last time i was textbook.  everything doing what it should, when it should.

this time my follicles are so small and not making much progress. instead of growing bigger my body is just adding in more new ones. i have been googling “follicle growth rate” and most things i’m finding are saying that the follicles can grow 1-3 mm in a 24 period. 

if that’s true that means that my biggest follicle may be 1.35cm (13.5mm), 1.55cm (15.5mm) or 1.85cm (18.5mm) by saturday morning. this is still not anywhere near big enough…

i really don’t want to stim for much longer.  i just want this to happen.  especially since i booked next week off work to take care of egg retrieval and recovery.  i really hope i’m not much later than my projected monday retrieval date or i’m going to be royally screwed!!!!

high tea and humidity

mom came down yesterday and i took her to a local tea room for high tea.  she loves everything british so i thought she’d enjoy something like that.

i was right 🙂

they give you a pot of tea each and a three tiered serving dish with sweets at the top, custard, jam and biscuits in the middle and finger sandwiches on the bottom.  jam and biscuits – NEW FAV!

attached to the tea room is a small gift shop with all sorts of british inspired home decor, unique gifts and super cute kid stuff.  of course we bought a birthday gift for my niece.  her birthday in november.  ya, we’re weird like that.  after we looked around the shop for a bit we headed to my old place of employment Bradford Greenhouses (Bradford location).

mom wanted some new pots for the front of her house and oh man did they have pots!

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if money were no object i could drop soooooo much of it in this store.  when i worked there it was easier to avoid spending.  i was surrounded by the stuff everyday and it just didn’t stand out as much.  when i did shop it was for plants and flowers.

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 oh but christmas time was another story…. talk about a magical, holiday experience! (that’s another post for another day).

i decided that instead of buying multiple plants for the pots on the back deck and making my own planters i would just get some flowering tropicals and be done.  i got a coupon just the other day “buy one flowering tropical, get the second half off” so that’s perfect.  i’m getting all orange hibiscus plants.

(i don’t know what i did but the font just changed on it’s own  – WTF?  i’m not re-typing this haha).

there, back to normal….so weird!

so a happy pre-mother’s day for mom – check!

today was so nice for me as i had a date with the dildo-cam and everything looked great!  the cyst i was worried was growing actually shrank so that was such a HUGE relief.  i am now onto phase II of this IVF cycle – gearing up for injections!

 

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this is my “IVF Phase II” dress haha.  

i practically lived in it last summer while i  was doing IVF.

loose, light and flowy baby!

the nurse started by flipping through all the prescriptions my dr. pre-wrote for me.  i couldn’t believe how many there were!  she finished flipping through them and asked if i had had “a traumatic egg retrieval” last time and both chris and i said “YES” at the same time.  she mentioned that the dr. had some prescriptions ready to prep for that so i am hoping there are some good pain killers/mood relaxers in there hahaha.

i came home with 2 vials of puregon and 4 vials of luveris.  the luveris i have to mix myself and draw up into the needle.  i totally got what the nurse was doing but as soon i had to demonstrate it myself i got so nervous!  i told chris he has to stand with me as i do it each night just for a second set of eyes for each step.

as we went through the protocol the nurse realized that my dates were mixed up.  i had thought this too and was glad she pointed something out.  my dr. had me stimming for 6 days instead of 4 and had my first ultrasound to check the follicles set for day 9 instead of 7.  she looked back at my last IFV schedule and i had stimmed for 4 days with a follicle check on day 5.  she noted that by day 5 last time i had pretty big follicles so she thought there was no way i could go until day 9.  she checked with the dr. in the clinic today (not my dr.) and she agreed that they never check on day 9.  so i’m set for day 7 🙂

this means i am following the exact same schedule as last time!  i finished BC on a sunday, started injections on a friday, had my first follicle check the following tuesday.  had a follow up on thursday and friday and triggered on saturday night.  egg retrieval was monday and embryo transfer was 5 days later on a saturday.  so that means my very scientific cal-cu-malations were wrong (read about that here).  now my transfer will probably be may 31st which could put a due date at february 15th 🙂

i really hope i follow this schedule again!  the only thing is i have to call my boss tomorrow and tell her i need a supply to cover the 20th instead of the 22nd (which was already all arranged and good to go).  also, i may not have my follicle checks fall on a weekend now and will need a supply for thursday and friday mornings as well :S  oh well.  i guess that’s the way it goes.  i gave her a heads up that i would have so me “short notice medical appointments” in the future and she said that was fine, so she can’t get upset when they happen.

so this year mother’s day was a good one for me.  i’ve had every emotion possible on this day in the past and luckily i have arrived back at “happy”.  for those of you struggling today, i hope you took time to pamper yourselves, to love yourselves and most importantly not be too hard on yourselves.

xox

cyst worries

when i went on the 26th of april for my day 3 ultrasound the dr. noted a small cyst on my left ovary.  i had just had a dermoid cyst removed from my left ovary (surgically) several weeks before and was not happy to hear this news.  she said it was small and nothing to worry about.

ya… that’s what they told me the last time

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cyst from last fall 2013.  was removed march 2014.

i am now on day 12 of the BCP (which is supposed to stop cysts and is one of the reasons we take it before stimming) but my lower abdomen is starting to feel like it did when i had the dermoid cyst in there.  i have tenderness, hardness and mild bloating.  the thing that is worrying me the most is the fact that i feel like i have to pee a lot. then when i go, i feel like it’s hard to empty my bladder.  then i feel like i have to go again a few minutes later.  that’s usually not a good sign.

i know this sounds like an infection but i know that pain and this is different.

sunday is my next ultrasound and i am very curious to see what that cyst has been up to.  fingers crossed the answer is “not much!” but i have a feeling it’s not behaving.  having a cyst drained before the procedure is not the end of the world, i’ve had to do it twice before, but having to book yet another day off work for it is a big deal to me.  i am also worried to death about another cyst that has to be surgically removed. i have had 3 lower abdominal surgeries in 2 years and this last one i swore i would just not be able to endure another!  like it was so bad, it’s the first time i started to get panicked about the idea of having to have a c-section.  i used to not think anything of something like that but i just don’t know how i would handle that news if i get it in the future.  but that’s where i’ll leave that one…. in the diiiiiistant future haha.

it’s also been a LOOOOOOOONG time since i’ve been on BC so i have no recollection of what it does to your ovaries and lady bits, so maybe this is just something that happens when you’re on it…?

wrong side of the bed

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what a difference a night can make.

i am a miserable bitch today.

i have had a feeling of intense rage in me since the moment i woke up.  my poor husband.  i warn him instantly on days like this.  he’s out working in the yard, which is one of the triggers of my anger today, but in all honestly it’s best he’s out there and not in here.

it’s rainy and soggy and everything squishes beneath your feet and he’s decided that it’s a good idea to out in the back yard, into my newly growing, tender garden, and dig out decade old tree stumps.  he’s going to crush everything around him (he’s a solid dude and nothing he does is ever light or gentle).  he’s going to turn the tender grassy areas into mud pits.  he’s going to crush the newly growing perennials in my garden.  he’s going to track mud all over the deck and then into the house.  

his timing for this kind of shit is absolutely impeccable.

i told him he’s really pissing me off deciding to do this today but i’m already mad so he might as well carry on.

my OCD and anxiety is in overdrive today as well.

everything needs cleaning.  everything is dirty, hairy, dusty.  i need it all cleaned at once but can’t do it fast enough.

my heart is racing and my throat is choking me.  i feel like i could scream at the top of my lungs for no reason at any moment.

thanks a lot birth control.  you’re really fucking me up, big time, once again. 

9 days in, 7 days to go.

 

AAAAHHHH YAAAAA!

AAAAHHHH YAAAAA!

it’s my DAY 1 mofos!

🙂

looks like AF wanted to win my “guess my day 1 game” hahaha. of course she’d want to crush the fun hahaha

i couldn’t be happier!

day 1 – April 23

i am hoping my dr. will push my day 3 testing to morning of day 4… i will be in the city on friday night, spending the night and available anytime on saturday morning for my cycle monitoring. i really don’t feel like driving up to 5/6 hours back and forth from Toronto for a couple little tests. i especially don’t want to have to get a supply teacher for friday morning.

just called in my day 1 and let them know my situation. hoping for approval to have testing done on saturday morning.

🙂