this 21 day meditation challenge is making me think about the big picture that i have been politely ignoring for 2 years. i am a bit behind but day 8 could not have come at a better time.
“your heart knows the answer”.
i have been on a path to realizing that my disappointment from unsuccessful pregnancies is amplified by the fact that i am not happy in my career (or lack there of) life. everytime i lose a pregnancy i lose the chance to easily get out of the position i’m in. i want to make a career change but am too lazy and scared to it.
i have a job that i like. it’s a wonderful environment with plants and flowers and home decor. i get to work in different work areas and have a chance to escape to the outdoors from time to time. i love this but customer service is just lacking in the self satisfaction department BIG TIME.
i like interacting with people and helping them. i don’t know how fulfilled i am from helping them find that perfect plant that they can “leave in the dark basement and never have to water”. (ya, this isn’t even a joke people. i got that request ALL THE TIME. people are just weird). i definitely get nothing out of someone getting mad at me because their plant died and i don’t find it challenging to figure out how to help them – i DO, however, find it challenging to stop my mouth from saying “well my babies died too but you don’t see me yelling at someone it about it do you!?”.
i need out.
i took that “everything happens for a reason” saying and gave it the boot after my first ectopic pregnancy. i have taken no comfort in it since. today, i think i’m going to apologize to it and ask if i can have it back.
news of upcoming surgery in the new year had me thinking i better just get back to work then. my time off has no longer has a purpose and i better just get back to the grind. until i saw a posting in the news paper. i know a guy through my brother whoms family founded a chain of province wide child care centres. i saw a posting in the paper for this centre the other day and messagec him about volunteering. he connected me with the director of one of the centres just around the corner and i am going in on tuesday for an “interview”. i would be able to stop in wednesday to friday anytime of the day and everyday after 3 p.m. to help with the kids and “work” in the centre. from just our brief phone conversation i discovered that i do not have to have a degree in ECE in order to work in these centres as an assistant. i could start that way and if i wanted go back to school to get a diploma in early childhood education it’s always a possibility.
this is the reason all of this is happening. i know it. i need to work on my personal fulfillment and goals in other aspects of my life right now.
i had never really done well in school. in my 20’s i went back to college (not employed in that field now but shit happens) and i finally graduated with honours. this, i realized, was a goal i needed to reach in order to boost my confidence and fix regrets i had about my past underachieving ways.
i need to redeem my past mistakes. going back to a career path i had thought strongly about as a teen but was not motivated or confident enough to pursue is how i’m going to do it.
huh, turns out my heart really knows it’s stuff!