March 2013 – Hello My Name Is TUBELESS

i will warn you. this blog has no direction.

i am using it as a way to remember the past 2 1/2 years. these memories and feelings come back to me at random times and in no particular order.

tonight, as i was making a wreath, i was thinking about this:

it is an exciting time when you first choose to “try” for a baby. you want to tell your girl friends and your family. it makes it real. it’s something to talk about. something to look forward to. it can also come back and bite you in the ass.

if you become pregnant right away, it’s no big deal. if you struggle, it becomes the thing that you always end up talking about.

i had always had irregular periods and my mother had a hard time getting pregnant. i always had a feeling it may take time for me. i had been a nanny, have a ton of friends with kids and a few nieces so it was pretty normal to just always be talking about kids. after we had been trying for over a year i started to feel like that was the only thing people knew to talk to me about. “how is it going? how are you feeling? when are you going to a dr.? what is the dr. doing?”

i should clarify, i willingly and unbegrudgingly, participated in these conversations. i even often started these conversations. i really do feel better when i talk about things. i am most comfortable when the people closest to me know what’s going on in my life but at some point the mood changed, within myself. and i realized, this is what makes me me right now. this is the thing that people think of when they think of me. shannon – the girl trying to have a baby. i think because i didn’t have much else going on in my life, that idea started to make me feel bad about myself. trying to have a baby was what defined me and i was sad that i didn’t have anything going on to replace that idea. i also felt bad because i was failing. this was the thing that people thought of when they talked to me and i was not any good at it.

nice to meet you,

i am blogging because i want to remember this. all of it. good, bad, ugly. truthfully, if i really wanted to remember it ALL, i should have started writing on august 22nd, 2010. the day after our wedding. the day we sat at the kitchen table and had “the talk”. the moment we decided. we didn’t have to be careful and we didn’t have to wait. we would try and have a baby.

flash forward to present day, March 4th, 2013, 5:49 p.m. that dinner seems like so long ago, yet not that long ago at all… weird how that happens. a day that feels like it was much farther in my past yet in fact was just a couple of short weeks ago is february 17th, 2013. as of that date, i have become, Tubeless. that is, i no longer have fallopian tubes. which, if you payed any sort attention in grade 7 health class, is an integral part of the female reproductive system. and as i have found out are finicky little buggers.

i have known since november 2011 that my tubes were, perhaps, not the greatest. my second ectopic pregnancy in less than 10 months has since confirmed this concern.

now my husband and i are now preparing for IVF treatments to have a baby.

my first appointment with our Dr. to finally discuss IVF in full detail and what it will mean for us will be on March 25th, 2013.

i am anxious and fearful of this appointment.