finger lakes, here we come!

i spoke with my husband about the feelings of desperation and depression i am having right now surrounding the start of our new round of IVF. i explained how i need something else to focus on other than it taking forever to get through each stage. i’m on day 5 of 16 days of birth control and am really struggling to keep my shit together knowing that i still have over 30 days to go with all this.

while we were making dinner i told him my dilemma. we discussed the fact that i usually have some sort of project on the go (he knows i’m a total busybody usually) but right now i don’t. i don’t have any furniture to refinish, no rooms to repaint or decorate, no gardening to work on, etc. i’m doing lots of little spring cleaning things and what not but nothing is really quite fitting the bill in terms of preoccupying my mind.

i confessed to him that i daydream that he’ll come home one day and say “honey, pack your bag, we’re going on a trip!”. my husband, however, is so practical, routine and quite frankly frugal that i know this is more of a fantasy.

so when he mentioned the may long weekend coming up and said, “lets do our new york trip now’ i nearly dropped the frying pan!

may 17-19 is the Victoria Day long weekend and the monday is a holiday. now that i have a different job that means i don’t have to be around to work  that day 🙂

so, we’re going to the finger lakes and he’s left all the plans to me. where to stay, what to see, where to eat.

so far i have booked one night at the Abner Adams House B&B in East Bloomfield  and one night at a private residence in Auburn (through airbnb.com).  have any of you heard of airbnb?! it’s amazing.  i highly recommend you check it out.  my husband and i started a listing of our own last night actually!  if you’re ever in the innisfil/barrie area of ontario, come stay with us 🙂

we’re going to check out the antique shops along the Bloomfield Antique Mile.

probably fit in some golf, definitely a wine tasting (or three!)

this will give me time to think about something else while i finish out my BC pills.  i will finish them May 11th and will start my injections on the day we leave (May 16).

oh! while i’m thinking of it –

TO DO

– get ice packs and cooler for transporting injectable drugs over the border during romantic pre-IVF vacation  BAHAHAHA

 

my morning

what a way to start the day!

i went to the gym last night and totally killed my legs. i could barely get down the stairs afterwards and actually stopped half way on the way down because someone passed me going up and i was so embarrassed at the fact i could barely control my crazy, jelly, jimmy legs hahaha WATCH THIS. this was almost me. no joke.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tyvcCdiFnYI)

every time i go the gym i sleep crazy heavy and don’t wake up without an alarm. as it happens, alarms don’t work if your phone is dead, so when i woke up to brightness outside and the smell of freshly brewed coffee i sprang from the bed in a total frenzie. we don’t have any clocks on the second floor (this is being remedied this weekend) so i ran downstairs to check the clock on the stove – 6:34 – FUCK ME. i start work at 6:30 a.m. ya.

called my co-worker, literally grabbed the first two things in touched in my closet and ran out the door. luckily, every piece of clothing i own can pretty much be put together in any combo and look half decent so at least i had that going for me LOL

the day has worked out pretty well so far despite the rocky start.

i got groceries, got in to see the chiropractor to finally take an alternative route to fixing my jacked up lungs/ribs issue seeing as all medical doctors say, “there is no reason for you to be in pain”… ya, um, okay. just excuse me while i gasp for a deep breath and wince in pain continuously.

oh and i finally have a “project” to keep me sane while i countdown the days til this IVF round is over.

it’s a good one too!

in the end, i’m terrible at all this

maybe it’s because i don’t have enough going on in my life. maybe it’s because of my tendencies to have obsessive compulsive thoughts.  perhaps it’s my inability to truly accept that life is a waiting game (although i do pretty well to trick myself into thinking i’ve learned patience). maybe it’s because i blog and keep track of every single thing that’s going on in my IVF cycle.

i instantly feel like the days are now 4 times longer.

i feel like i’ll explode and i’m on the verge of rage when i’m alone with my thoughts because i still have to wait over a month before all this IVF stuff is over.  i’ve come so far but i still can’t handle how far away everything is.  it’s all countdowns that i feel i can’t survive them.

i’m only on day 4 of 16 days of birth control and then i have over 3 weeks of other stuff after that!

the moment i had my DAY 3 appointment it’s like i ceased knowing how to live life and have become this totally impatient, uncontrollable, head case.

i started my protocol post to keep organized.  i thought if i put it all out there i’ll have a better understanding of what happens when and it will help to preoccupy my mind as i wait.

it’s proving to have backfired on me.

although i am beyond excited that the start of my IVF is finally here, it’s almost like i fall into an IVF depression of sorts.  i should be excited and ready to get through each day and be one day closer to the end but all i want to do is go to sleep or hide from life until it’s all over.

it’s almost like i’m fitting TOO much into any single day.  like i’m trying to occupy my time so much that i realize that i can fit so much into a day and then it feels like the longest day because of how much i did?

it’s like when i’m NOT TTC i put my regular, everyday life first and i’m totally happy to live it for what it is.  then when i AM TTC conceive all i can think about is how much life is not fulfilling me.

the strange thing is i am happy.  things are always great with my husband.  we’ve been going to the movies, i’ve been seeing my nieces, i have been doing so much work outside in the yard and gardens, i’m going for walks with Tuck, and spending time with friends, i’m busy with a new job…

why can’t i live with both versions of my life going on together?!

I TOLD YOU I AM A TOTAL IVF BASKET CASE!

how do you all cope?

maybe, after all i’ve been through, it’s just not possible for me anymore…?

do good things, pay it forward

i got a mystery package in the mail this morning 🙂

it was from an “A. Hare” in Calgary, and i don’t have any close friends living there anymore, so i was super confused.  it felt like packing peanuts or easter eggs when i first grabbed it.

i drove home and got the scissors and VOILA!

CORKS! 

then i remembered that my friend A. HALE had said she could send me corks.  the Calgary location threw me off because she had just moved to Halifax but then i remembered that her and her boyfriend had just made a move again out west this time.

these corks are for a project at work.  we have carts that we use to transport the art materials and games from the storage room to the classroom and back.  at our last staff meeting we were told we are supposed to decorate the carts and make them more interesting.  we are painting one half of the art cart on the back with chalkboard paint and the other half we are gluing corks to create a more interesting cork board to display the children’s art work

this kind gesture made my heart happy and i’m looking forward to my turn to “pay it forward” and help someone out as well

 

the universe is gearing up for something

everything i do, see and feel is just screaming kids at me lately.

i mean, things kind of always scream “KIDS” at you when you’re an infertile and TCC but lately the universe is really laying it on thick!

(my openness too it all is also on a different level now that we’re on track with IVF once again, i am for sure reading into lots of signs and taking them as such).

i took my dog, Tuck, for a lovely walk before dinner and on a whim i decided to walk down a street that i’ve just flat out ignored for 4 1/2 years.  i walk by this little street on a semi-regular basis but it’s just a short crescent off the main road we walk and it had never seemed worth detouring for. i am kind of a nosey person though when it comes to other people’s houses and property and now that the weather is nice i had the urge to “snoop” around and check out what was going on on that little street.  (i have a confession.  something i actually dream about on a regular basis is living in a world like Pleasantville.  i love perfectly manicured lawns and gardens, flawless exteriors and i often long for the perfectness of it all to be reality!)  so, on my exploration detour i came across a little pathway.  it confused me at first because i thought, “oh it’s a path to the school” and then realized “but the school is way too far away!”.  i started down the path and soon realized it was leading to a pretty large, hidden park!  it was amazing.  huge mature trees, large playground, a field big enough for a full soccer field (with nets) and then some.  i was in shock.  we’ve lived in our little town for 4 1/2 years like i mentioned and i had absolutely no clue this existed.  i always wondered where all the kids and other residents were.  it’s kind of like a ghost town around here.  you hardly ever seen kids out and there are only a few people that i see out with their dogs from time to time.  now i know why!  they are at the awesome, secret park! (wish i had taken a picture).

in addition to finding the secret park (yes, no matter what the park is actually called “secret park” will forever be it’s name haha) i also found a wooden sleigh with a long handle and a cushion in amazing shape at the end of one of the driveways on the crescent.  when i got home i hopped in the car and went back.  it seemed really nice to just be out on the curb to be taken so i knocked and asked if it was in fact up for the taking.  the young mother explained that her daughter was too big for it now and it was all mine if i wanted it.  

now i just need my babies so i can take them for winter walks in their sleigh and chase them around our community’s wonderful secret park  xox

test strips

so in an attempt to not think about this cycle so much and let it be, i’ve completely failed and THEN SOME.
i see a lot of women here that “test out their trigger shot”. i get the concept, i have just never tried it. this time as a way to occupy my mind in the 2ww i think i want to do this.

where do you get your test strips from? i have done a quick google search and it seems there are endless places to order these from but can you trust them all? what’s a good price and for how many?

if you have purchased these test strips, trust their quality and believe the price is reasonable, could you pass along the info?

thanks!

Clinic Chat

saturday was the second day i have ever chatted with any of the other ladies in my clinic.  i know this is pathetic.

up until yesterday i had chatted one other day with one other woman.  

that is sad.  

it’s not because of a lack of desire on my part!  i love talking to people, almost to a fault. i can find anything to talk about with anyone and i really enjoy doing so.  it stems from my years and years in customer service.  i have wanted to reach out and chit-chat with the woman i shared a waiting room with every time i’ve been there.  however, every time i have been in a room or waiting area with other women they have ALL been on the cell phones.  they have never made eye contact and all look miserable.

saturday morning i got my blood drawn and moved on to get my gown on and wait in the separate waiting area for ultrasound and i was SOOOOOO happy to see 3 women sitting in there and actually chatting!

i changed quickly so i could get out and get the last chair so i could be part of their conversation.  they were talking about their experiences at other clinics.  for all of them, this clinic is their second (or in some cases third) clinic.  i listened to the roads they have taken to get them to this point.  one woman had done several IUIs and this was her first IVF.  one had a son and wanted a second child.  she is 43 and her husband told her she could do it but she was on her own for the whole process (well up until he was “needed”).  another was starting her second IFV.  i didn’t share my full history with them, the flow of the conversation didn’t really allow it but i did hear about the expenses they have incurred at different clinics, funny stories about their injections, how their husbands have reacted to all this infertility stuff. we chatted A LOT about pain.  we all agreed that when a doctor says “it may cause slight discomfort” or the pain may be “moderate” that should be taken as “it’s going to hurt like a son-of-a-bitch!!!”.   i was able to share little tidbits of my own story here and there.  it was just so great to finally be chatting with the only other women that truly understand this whole process.  i mentioned that this was the first time had really ever talked another patient in the clinic and that it needed to happen more often.  i noticed that they had put up a motivational chalk board in the ultrasound waiting room.  it was titled “i want to get pregnant because…”  below were the reasons written by other patients – “i have so much love to give”, “i want children by my side as i go through life”, “i want to give my son a sibling”.  i didn’t write anything this time but it sparked me to share my idea about having a list on the wall where women that want to offer support to other patients via email could leave their email address.  then if there was a woman that was struggling and needed support from someone they know is going through all this too, she could take an email address off the list and write.  the other ladies thought that this was a great idea and so on my next appointment i’m going to go with a printed out paper and ask if i can post it.

when i finished up with my ultrasound, i went down to the white chairs to wait for a nurse.  one of the ladies from the other waiting room made her way down and sat to the right of me.  she started chatting and we found out that we are both there for the exact same reason.  she had had two ectopics, lost both her tubes and was doing here second round of IVF.  our stories were pretty different after that though.  i had gotten 13 eggs and 6 embryos after rescue ICSI.  i had gotten pregnant but miscarried with a blighted ovum and had a D/C.  i had had an FET that failed.  i had embryos frozen that i don’t trust and that’s why i’m doing IVF again.  she had gotten 3 eggs, all of them weren’t the greatest quality so they transferred all three back in.  it didn’t work.  she took a year off to regroup, save money and now she’s here (this is a new clinic for her) and she’s trying a different protocol to hopefully get more eggs and subsequent embryos. 

i really hope i see these women again or that i can keep the communication going with other women in the clinic this time around.  i’m going to make it a point to try and chat with anyone that is in the room with me and not looking at a cell phone.  maybe if i’m brave i’ll even interrupt them and their phone and get some dialogue going.

it’s amazing what a little human interaction can do and we need more of that in our world today. 

especially in our infertility world!

 

Luveres? Luveros?

has anyone heard of this drug?  or know of the proper spelling?

my dr. called for this second injectable to be used with the Puregon and i have no idea what it is.  it is spelled two different ways (or at least i couldn’t properly read the letters so it looks like they are spelled differently).

i only did the Puregon injection on my 1st IVF so i am not sure what this drug is, what it does and why i am taking it this time? 

i didn’t see it written in my protocol until after i left the clinic and i can’t find this name anywhere on the internet.  i am kind of impatient to wait until may 11th to find out what it is.  if any of you know, i would love to hear more about it!

thanks!

PROTOCOL UPDATE

Wednesday April 23 – DAY 1

Friday April 25  – Update my viral BW at life lab 2:20 p.m. – DONE

Saturday April 26 – DAY 4  – US/BW 8:15 a.m.  Will call to tell me when to start BC pills

– i have a cyst on my left ovary ?!  dr. said it could be left over from my dermoid cyst removal. dr. says it’s nothing to worry about and it is VERY  small and not to worry because the things that matters most are the follicles and mine are “beautiful!”.

– got a call in the afternoon, BW was great, start BC pill tonight. going to take BC before bed to try and decrease negative effects  (headache, nausea,  mood swings).

– husband got into the lab and had viral blood work done – just in the nick of time.  woo-hoo!

Sunday May 11 – DAY 19 – US 8:30 a.m. Stop BC pills 

– updated that this appointment is ultrasound only.

Friday May 16 – Day 24 – Assigned DAY 3 – start injections in the evening – Puregon 125, Luveres 75?  

– i have no idea what this Luveres is.  it is spelled two different ways on my protocol sheet and i googled both of them and found  nothing.

May 17 – 21 -DAYS 25-29 (assigned days 4-8) – keep going with injections each evening

Thursday May 22 – DAY 30 (assigned day 9) – US/BW  – appointment time unknown

Will be told when to come back for monitoring – most likely every other day until follicles are big enough and need to checked everyday

Tentative Egg Retrieval (ER) window – May 28 – 31 ?

Tentative Transfer  – First week of June ?

 

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DIFFERENCES FROM FIRST IVF CYCLE 

– my injection time has been increased by 2 days.  First IVF cycle injections were on assigned days 3-6.  this time my injections are on assigned days 3-8.  not sure why?  maybe second injectable drug changes the timeline?

IVF Protocol (what i know so far)

April 23 – DAY 1

April 25 – Update B/W at life lab 2:20 p.m.

April 26 – DAY 4  – US/BW 8:15 a.m.  Will call to tell me when to start B/C pills

May 11 – DAY 19 – US/BW 8:30 a.m. Stop B/C  – will be told when to start injections

May 22 – DAY 30 – US/BW  – appointment time unknown.

Will be told when to come back for monitoring – most likely every other day until follicles are big enough and need to checked everyday

Tentative Egg Retrieval (ER) window – May 28 – 31 ?

Tentative Transfer  – First week of June ?