still in the running

after a horribly emotional day, i’ve woken up this morning feeling much better and i feel like i’m still in the running for pregnancy after all.

how crazy that a dream could set me off emotionally for a whole day.  it was the dream but i also think my body was doing something very hormonal as well.  i was just down yesterday.  i felt sick, like stuffed up and yucky.  i felt like i didn’t belong in my own skin.  

i went to the rental house to clean and by 1030 i was ravenous.  i felt like fast food.  i have said in the past that craving fast food is one of my “pregnancy” signs but yesterday it was just a plain old “i feel like shit, i need poutine to wallow in” kind of moment.  i ended up back at our own house on the laz-y-boy with a bacon cheeseburger and poutine in my lap watching “this is 40” and going through fits of uncontrollable crying and longing for a family.  it’s funny that i got this emotional release from a movie that depicts a marriage on the rocks at times, a moody screaming teenager, a somewhat bratty child and a crazy hormonal pregnant woman hahaha.  i LOVE paul rudd and i although her best acting ability is cry talking i just love leslie mann as well. 

by the afternoon i’d gotten myself back the rental to weed the garden and afterwards i was so hot.  i did something kind of weird.  i ran a cold bath and soaked in it.  i haven’t had a tub for over 6 years so it was the most magical moment.  hahaha.  i just finished drying off and had gotten dressed when the doorbell rang.  I FUCKING KNEW IT!  my husband’s mom was working in town this week and said she could come over and help with the house on friday.  i did not want her anywhere near that place so i politely said “we actually don’t have much to do so we’ll be fine. instead of friday, if you guys want to take a drive on sunday to come up and see it, you’re more than welcome to”.  well, that’s not good enough for my MIL.  so there she was trying to look to through the window and waving frantically.  shes a socially awkward woman and i couldn’t figure out if she was waving hello or waving like “hey, see me, SEE ME open the door!”.  

with an audible grunt i and “fuck” under my breath i opened the door.

i made no effort to act happy to see her, i was actually kind of rude, but she could never tell this because i think people act like that a lot around her and she doesn’t have the ability to realize she’s annoying as fuck.

a quick tour and i told her i was “just leaving”.  her response, “oh good thing i caught you before you left!”  no, i told you not to fucking come here!

we made a little small talk in the driveway and i said “oh, happy belated birthday by the way”.  this is how fucking socially mental she is.  it’s like she gets herself so hyper when she’s talking to someone that she can’t actually properly listen to what people say and then she has to guess what they just said to her… so her response to it was “oh that’s okay”.  WTF?  okay.

i got home and chris wasn’t far behind me.  we headed back the rental to show it 545.  turned out this total stranger that inquired about our house is married to a girl i knew in my home town. small world!! so they came to see the place last night.  we chit chatted as we showed the house and found out they are moving because he will be creating a satellite office for her company.  he has a good job and they already own their own condo but they don’t want to fully commit to this area if things don’t work out.  they seemed to really like the place and i told us they were looking at some other places in the area.  they actually had landlords tell them straight up “you’re best people that come through to look so far” and some of them have gone as far as to call them and almost beg them to be their tenants.  i really hope they pick us!  not only because i know they would be great tenants but also because i don’t want to have to show the place to less desirable applicants.

at the end of the conversation they asked if they wanted to stay longer than 12 months but less than 24 if that was an option.  we said of course and they were relieved because, you guessed it, she’s PREGNANT!  i almost knew that was going to happen.  i had honestly thought to myself, “i bet we’ll find out she’s pregnant when we meet them”.  it’s almost like i have a sixth sense for this shit now LOL

i always wonder if this is a sign?  the previous owner was pregnant, the potential new tenant is pregnant.  am i surrounded by this maternal energy for a reason?

then i just think it’s the universe being a dick and letting me know i haven’t suffered enough or i haven’t learned the lesson i’m supposed to learn by going through all this.

i guess we’ll wait until next week to see which one is true.

 

abs

134.4 and i have ABS again!  bahahaha

i’m about 2 pounds shy of my pre-IVF weight and i am very happy about that.  i still don’t feel up to exercising since i have a gurgle in my chest and still have some difficulties breathing but i’m wasting money on my Y membership and just want to get back in there. maybe aquafit today?  ya, definitely aquafit today.

i’m so emotional.  i didn’t cry once while waiting for IVF stimming.  i didn’t cry once during stimming.  i teared up a bit when the nurse was doing my IV for my egg retrieval and she said, “we’re going to get you that baby you’re dreaming of”.  that really hit me hard in the moment. 

now i’m 2 and a half weeks past retrieval and i’m a basket case.  i’m crying at everything and i’m getting very short tempered with my husband.

god.  it’s been over 2 years of this crap. i wish these hormones would just calm the fuck down!!!!

what a difference a year makes or maybe it’s just a day

this TTC moment in time and IVF cycle is so different than any other i have experienced. it’s almost impossible for me to put into words how i am feeling, which is bad because this is a blog after all… hahaha

i’m feeling so strange i can’t even figure out how to properly articulate it but here’s goes nothing – 

i am not feeling defeated and worried, but i’m also not feeling anxious or excited.  well, wait, i AM totally anxious! but not in the excited sense. it’s more like the “i’m about to explode, lets get this bull shit over with!” sense. LOL

i think the most predominant feeling this time around is annoyance and i think this is because in the last few months i have really HONESTLY and TRULY come to terms with the idea that i may not have children and i am finally okay with that.

i am annoyed because i was finally back to being good at living my life without a family and not killing my heart and soul TTC.  i literally went through HELL AND BACK to get to this stage, so while i’m in this TTC limbo it reminds me that i don’t just get to be me.

once i get pregnant that most certainly will shift to love and excitement for my baby and my future family because i have been through it 3 times before and i know this will happen with 100% certainty.  

so i guess what i’m trying to say is living life without kids i’m fine with.  being pregnant, i am over the moon about.  being in the middle where i can’t just be me and i can’t be joyful that something amazing is about to happen is what i can’t seem to get a handle on.

so because i’m not fully into (but also not fully out of) this IVF cycle i haven’t been thinking about …. anything!  no thoughts of egg numbers, egg retrieval, fertilization results or embryo numbers.  i haven’t thought about the 2ww or if i’ll even get pregnant.  i don’t think about gender, names or possible due dates.  

maybe this is just my hormonal roller coaster talking.  i mean, fuck, yesterday i was about to kill someone, rip my eye lids off and run down the road screaming like a banish with my hair aflame! 

lets see what fun tomorrow brings 🙂

 

 

wrong side of the bed

what a difference a night can make.

i am a miserable bitch today.

i have had a feeling of intense rage in me since the moment i woke up.  my poor husband.  i warn him instantly on days like this.  he’s out working in the yard, which is one of the triggers of my anger today, but in all honestly it’s best he’s out there and not in here.

it’s rainy and soggy and everything squishes beneath your feet and he’s decided that it’s a good idea to out in the back yard, into my newly growing, tender garden, and dig out decade old tree stumps.  he’s going to crush everything around him (he’s a solid dude and nothing he does is ever light or gentle).  he’s going to turn the tender grassy areas into mud pits.  he’s going to crush the newly growing perennials in my garden.  he’s going to track mud all over the deck and then into the house.  

his timing for this kind of shit is absolutely impeccable.

i told him he’s really pissing me off deciding to do this today but i’m already mad so he might as well carry on.

my OCD and anxiety is in overdrive today as well.

everything needs cleaning.  everything is dirty, hairy, dusty.  i need it all cleaned at once but can’t do it fast enough.

my heart is racing and my throat is choking me.  i feel like i could scream at the top of my lungs for no reason at any moment.

thanks a lot birth control.  you’re really fucking me up, big time, once again. 

9 days in, 7 days to go.

 

C. U. N.ext T.uesday

 

i am a rage of hormones and i feel like a raging… (please see post title).

i need to curl into a ball and not come out until AF finally makes it to town.  this is supposed to be tomorrow but at this point i feel like i won’t survive until then.  or worse, that it will be a weird cycle and it will be longer!!!!

i had forgotten how bad my pre-period symptoms are.  i think they are just completely heightened by the fact that i now work with 10-15, 4-12 year olds each day.  my day now starts at 5:30 a.m and my only co-worker is a lame, controlling, annoying, emotionally immature 23 year old.

i can normally shrug off her whining, complaining attitude.  her retarded jokes and her way too high pitched and unnecessary laughing but right now, i can’t even stand to look at her.

i normally get right down and dirty with the kids in all aspects of their play and crafts but now, i just don’t want to deal with any of it (or them).  

why do my pre-period symptoms have to start in full force a week (sometimes 2 weeks) before an actual period?  i feel like i’m in hell the entire time. my body buzzes, my joints ache, i’m tired and it feel like there is a hand around my throat squeezing constantly.  i grind my teeth and seeth.  i glare at things and i even breath differently.

this can’t be normal but unfortunately it’s my normal.  i guess i can thank PCOS for that.

when i’m in this state i just think of how wonderful it is when i am pregnant and i don’t feel any of these feelings.  i am on a constant wave of relaxation and indifference.  i am calm, nothing gets under my skin and i feel great.

then i think of how that will only last so long.  yes, i’ll get pregnant and this vicious cycle will end for a several months but then what?! i’ll go back to the way i am now and life (before my period) will be miserable again.

i look at having a baby as way to escape this hormonal hell i go through each month but the truth is, i have to think about life after pregnancy.  how will i take care of this issue once life goes back to normal?

my naturopathic dr. told me chinese herbs do wonders for hormonal imbalances.  maybe that will be the path to pursue to end all this bullshit.  Has anyone used chinese herbs to control mood swings and massive hormonal shifts?